I don't wanna grow up ...

I want to be a good person. I'd love to be someone who lives with honesty and integrity and is viewed by his peers as a man of his word. Honestly, I do. But let's face it, that's just not going to happen. Not after I've been backed into a corner like this.

As with everything, I blame my wife. She essentially forced me to the dark side; forced me into the arms of another. If not for her, I'd be living my day-to-day life without giving a moment's thought about sneaking around in the shadows and praying to never get caught. But two years into this marriage this is where we're at.

You see, we made a pact (by we, I mean she) to not buy anything frivolous from now until Christmas. On the outside that sounds all fine and good, but as one of the participants ... well ... it sucks. That's because Rock Band comes out this week.

Any longtime readers or fans of Tigers pitcher Joel Zumaya are familiar with Guitar Hero. It's the crazy addictive video game that caused the 22-year-old rookie to miss three games in the 2006 American League Championship Series after suffering inflammation in his throwing wrist and forearm from playing the game too much. Instead of using a standard video game controller, players use a guitar-shaped peripheral shaped like a miniature Gibson SG to rock out. Think of it like Dance, Dance Revolution for straight people.

Well, Rock Band takes an already brilliant idea to the next level. Instead of just doing your best rendition of "Free Bird" (which is actually in the Guitar Hero game) players can now enjoy the complete virtual "band" experience. The game provides up to four players with the ability to play several different instruments - the guitar, bass, drums and even a microphone. And thanks to the wonderful Xbox 360, my buddies and I can jam using both online and offline multiplayer modes. In addition to the songs shipped on the game disc, potentially hundreds of new tracks will be made available as downloadable content in the future.

What does all of this have to do with my giving up hope on ever being a good person? Well, I went to lunch this week and just so happened to stop at the local Best Buy, which isn't out of the ordinary. But low and behold, they had Rock Band set up for people to try out. I already knew I wanted the game, but having it completely unexpectedly in front of me - it was almost too much to handle. With almost no effort, my good buddy Jose talked me into sitting down behind the drum set and giving the game a try.

The first thing I noticed was the drum sticks (Mmm ... drumsticks). They're the real deal - not some cheap or flimsy knockoffs. With my weapons of choice in hand, one of the Best Buy guys was kind enough to navigate through the menu and get me set up. Unfortunately, when I asked him to go easy on me he went with the Red Hot Chili Peppers and their song "Dani California." Anyone familiar with the RHCP library knows that their songs are all upbeat and have a fast tempo. So there I was (buck naked with a fishing pole ... I mean ...) in front of a crowd of 10-15 people at the Wyomingland Best Buy attempting to rock out and, more importantly, not embarrass myself.

The best part is, every time I'd get into a little bit of a rhythm, Jose would announce to anyone within earshot "Ladies and gentlemen, you're being treated to the musical talents of Brian Murphy. He will be signing autographs at the conclusion of his performance today" and then I'd immediately screw up. After I finally finished the song, it was Jose's turn in the barrel - or in this case, on the drums.

The only problem, the Best Buy guy decided to offer me a chance at redemption and invited me to play the guitar while Jose played the drums. So instead of enjoying Jose's pitiful performance, I was too busy earning back my street cred to the tune of "Epic" by Faith No More. As the song ended and a smattering of applause rang out from a few old folks who had watched our impromptu concert, I realized then that I was living the exact moment when my marriage began to unravel. Fittingly, the Rock Band demo began to play "Enter Sandman" by Metallica as Jose and I just stood there, not wanting to go back to work or go pretty much anywhere but back for an encore.

How did the woman I love think she could stand between me and my calling? Whoever sided with fiscal responsibility over pleasing the musical masses? And what does any of this have to do with a sports column?

The answers to all of these and more will come next time, when a newly-divorced sportswriter steps away from his video game rock band the Camel Toads long enough to begin chapter two of this epic adventure.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department's sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn't know what the hell he's talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.