1337 video game skilz

By Ned Bitters

And this week's inductee into the "Overrated Hall of Fame" is ... 1337 video game skilz.

I know what you're thinking: "Muthafucka be jealous and shit cuz he ain't got no game." And this is true to a certain extent. Perhaps I would give a little more credit to the masters of the screen and their abilities to manipulate electronic images had I ever been able to move past Level II of Pacman. I'll admit to some sour grapes, and I'll admit that these games do require a certain level of skill, skill that I never had, do not now have and never will have. (I might be able to some day acquire video game skills, but that would require practice, and I guarantee you that I'm never going to waste one iota of time or energy playing one of these stupid fucking games.)

What I take issue with is the way gamers (Muthafucka at least knows some of the language, so there!) talk as if they are actually accomplishing something when they play these games. Just listen to some of the language these control-panel aces use. They like to brag that they killed, destroyed, outran, avoided, jumped, blew up and annihilated. They blitzed, stole, shot, bombed and cremated. Some of these five-foot-nothing ramrods swear that they dunked on Shaq.

Note to gamers: No, you didn't. You were sitting amid Dorito crumbs on your tattered couch in a filthy living room basically twiddling your thumbs and staring at unreal images on an electronic screen. You have in fact accomplished nothing, despite your pathetic fantasies that you just outran the cops, or sacked Peyton Manning, or blew up that building. You did not really strike out Barry Bonds or defeat an overwhelming enemy. That new dimension you think you just entered? Just as with the real women you fantasize about, you have in fact entered nothing. You haven't escaped from anyone. You didn't kill 30 people. No one got beaten up by your lethal weapon fists. You didn't enter enemy territory. All you did was demonstrate that you have an uncanny ability to use your thumbs quickly and deftly in order to manipulate on-screen images. Yes, it's a skill, and you might be extremely good at it. To that I say, "Kudos to you. Enjoy your hobby, your quality time with friends and family and your sexless life." Just don't let yourself believe you are doing anything more than working buttons.

Or, if you must brag about your exploits, please do it only to other fellow delusionals and not to those of us who don't believe nailing one of the top three scores in a video game is a measure of manhood and accomplishment. If you're not sure who "we" are, just look us up in the Reality White Pages. But leave a message, because we'll probably be working. Or playing a real sport. Or getting laid.

And don't talk your Sega smack in front of girls in an attempt to make them think you are hot shit. I don't profess to know all about women (aside from your mom, who makes frequent visits to my place because she's sick of the sound of you screaming that you are, in fact, "da man" at PS3), but I know that no woman in the history of the planet has ever gotten hot for a guy because of the way he moved his thumbs. Girls think you're sexy when you are good with your hands and fingers. This is why guitar players, magicians and even that fat fuck Emeril get major poon. But no one thinks thumbs are sexy. You don't believe me? Try using those world class thumbs of yours the next time you are with a girl. (Or "first" time, in your case.) That moan you hear will be yours as she throws you out of her house before you have your shoes on.

But you won't mind, will you? That will only mean you can get home early to try to get to Level 6 of World Domination Matrix Mania. If you don't have a ride home, don't sweat it. Just use your thumb.

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.