Punk Rock fan superiority

This week's inductee into the "Overrated Hall of Fame" is ... Punk Rock fan superiority.

No, I didn't say punk rock is overrated, just the attitude of the hardcore punk rock fans whose entire identity is derived from a feeling of cultural superiority due to their arcane musical tastes. You know the type. I see them all the time on the message board of a great (and non-punk, despite some fans' claims to the contrary) band called Social Distortion. Every once in a while, someone will start a thread asking what five CDs people have in their CD changer at the moment. (This thread is invariably started by someone just dying for a chance to show off his knowledge of five shitty bands no one has ever heard of.)

Every one of the liars who responds will reel off a list of the most obscure bands imaginable in an attempt to sound ahead of the mainstream music curve and too cool to actually admit to liking the music of a band that is successful and well known. You know, bands that make good music, as opposed to the discordant sounds produced by three non-musicians mishandling instruments while a singer with no singing ability shouts rehashed lines about how pissed off he is at ...you name it. These posers list the most unlistenable dreck you can find, mixing in the names of a few unknown newer bands with some of the early classic punk bands like Minor Threat and Black Flag. (Henry Rollins disclaimer: Hank rules, but his music, if not heard and seen live, sucks. I saw him live just last August. It was as intense an hour of balls out rock that I've ever seen in a club. I'd pay good money to see him tonight, and I'd pay even better money to experience the genius of his spoken word tour. But you could not pay me even betterer money to listen to one song from one of his music CDs.)

If you don't have any of these posing punksters' favorite CDs (and I know you don't), stop reading right now, find a few on the Internet and sample a few songs. Go ahead, I'll wait right here, because I know it won't take you long to stop listening. The music sucks. These bands might put on unforgettable, high energy, anything-goes live shows, which is what punk is all about and what makes it great. Thrown bottles, spitting, violence, anger ... even if it's not your scene, there's no denying that punk shows have carved out an artistic niche in our culture, and the culture is all the better for it. I've been to some punk shows over the years, and they do, in fact, fucking rock. Live punk is art.

But try listening to some of that music at home or in your car, and I guarantee you'll never make it past the second song, no matter how cool and different you try to feel by listening to it. I'd like to hook one of these pretentious lying punk snobs up to a machine that detects musical pleasure in the brain. I'd then play them some hardcore piece of punk rock piss that they claim to love, followed by Kelly Clarkson's uber-pop hit "Since U Been Gone." I'd wager my untattooed and unpierced left nut that, despite their protestations, the Bullshit Detector (it's my machine, so I get to name it) would indicate that they like the bland but catchy Clarkson song much better than the angry shoutfest that they claim is in constant rotation on their car stereo.

I know I sound like Mr. Middle Aged Middle America, but believe me, I get the whole punk thing. I like the clothes, the hair, the tattoos, the piercings (especially those clit rings, oh yeahhhh), the makeup and the spitting and thrashing and punching and head bobbing and screaming. I have always understood the anger and unmatched intensity of those live shows, the possibility that anything could happen, and the just-around-the-corner chance that all control could blow up at any time. That's punk. I appreciate that punk music and the punk scene gave a screaming voice to an unseen but vital segment of the populations in many countries. I just don't like when pretentious fans bullshit me - and themselves - by pretending to actually like that type of music once they leave the smoky, sticky, bloody clubs and head home to nurse their cuts and bruises and remove their costumes, which they do after a trip to the very mainstream, not-so-punk-rock Denny's and while listening to listening some pop rock Tom Petty instead of ("Yeah! Fuckin' A!") Rancid.

Even the punk rock look they adopt does not give them the right to feel so superior and different. Take a kid with a body half covered with tattoos, 16 piercings, a pink 9-inch mohawk, a spiked collar, boots with six inch soles and thrashed jeans. You know he struts around thinking that he is truly unique, shunning the mainstream with his ballsy display of individuality. But is he really that different from the redneck kid who sports Wranglers, cowboy boots and a Glen Campbell shirt? Or the preppy rich prick with the upturned collar and Abercrombie and Fitch khakis? They're all just wearing whatever uniform allows them to fit into the safety of the group that gives them the greatest sense of belonging. The But-I'm-Superior-to-the-Rest-of-Society punkers are really no different. The punk kids are just as conforming as the goths and the thugs and the prom princesses, albeit a little dirtier, which I guess is at least some kind of statement.

Even the watershed punk album Never Mind the Bollocks is an overrated collection of mostly bad songs that no one, not even Johnny Rotten, ever listens to. Every punk rock fan claims to love this album. I try to listen to it every five years or so and imagine what it was like to first hear that type of music in the late 70s, to be blown away by how world-shattering and even scary this album and those real deal psycho Sex Pistols were at the time. The Bee Gees and Barry Manilow were dominating the charts when this music became available at the local National Record Mart. I get the album's appeal and importance in that context. But today, by the sixth song, I have to shut it off, because I just can't listen to four people who can't sing, can't play instruments and can't be understood. I don't care if I've got Sid and Nancy muted on TV, naked pictures of Patti Smith on my coffee table and my wife spitting on me and breaking Budweiser bottles off the wall, I am bailing after "God Save the Queen" and throwing on some Killers.

Another thing these phony punk elitists like to do is rail against bands who make it big, as if success equals shitty music. They love being part of an exclusive group that likes some up and coming band that no one's heard of, but as soon as that band crosses over and finds some commercial success, the fans hate them and think their music now sucks. Green Day is a perfect example. Before the great Dookie came out and sold a few gazillion copies, they had a hardcore following of these punk snobs who liked Green Day for their name, their look, their attitude and their live shows. All fair enough, but once they honed their music and lyrical skills and created an album of songs that were actually good, those core fans, following page 54 of the "How to Be a True (Full of Shit) Punk Rock Fan" manual, had no choice but to start to hate the band for what they consider selling out and going mainstream. Have you heard any of Green Day's work before Dookie? Exactly, because it wasn't good enough for radio, which is in the business of making money, which is done through playing songs that people want to listen to, which is done by not playing pre-Dookie Green Day. But to these humps who liked them before they were big, maaaannnnn, Green Day and similar bands sold out. No Mr. Faux Hardass, they just got better and worked their asses off to create incredible rock and roll.

Twenty years from now, when rock magazines are ranking the 15 greatest rock bands of the past 50 years, Green Day will be on every list. But the poor old bitter punkers will still be snarling that Billy Jo and the boys sold out by deciding to become better musicians and write songs that not only made sense but, for a change, sounded good. To the phony punk rock fan, there's just no place for that type of talent in their music. I've actually heard these people argue over whether certain bands are truly "punk." They never consider the quality of the music. It's all about other factors, such as their look, their attitude, even the quality of a CD's production. If it's too crisp and clean and gives the listener a rich headphone experience, it isn't truly punk and therefore sucks.

Feel free to challenge this type of punk rock snob when you encounter one and he or she starts telling you that any music heard on the radio, meaning the music you like, is not worth listening to. Tell them their superior attitude is based on nothing but trying to be different. They'll spout some punk rock platitudes and perhaps scream about your music being gutless, but don't worry, they won't fight you. Despite their edgy, angry persona, they pose only a Minor Threat.

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.