The lady will have a tall drink of water

I have finally came to the conclusion that is almost impossible to meet a guy at a bar. I used to be a firm believer that it could be done, providing those that cared to listen many instances in which I met a cool person at a bar and how nothing shitty came out of it, but now I am convinced that those days for me must be over. I'm not really sure how it came to this, or even why. It just seems to me that despite attempts to have even a drunken make out session with another bar goer, I keep coming up empty handed.

Perhaps part of the reason why I am turned off by the possibility of meeting a guy in a bar has a lot to do with selection. There isn't much to choose from. Basically, you have your married man looking for a fling, the obnoxious frat boy looking for a one night stand and the alcoholic who may or may not piss your bed in the future. Let's not forget the typical bar predator. This guy waits until he has had so much to drink that he feels he can say whatever he wants to, and thinks you will let it slide based on the fact that you have had a few drinks too. These guys are the worst because they have no real social skills whatsoever, but they have convinced themselves they have the most game.

While not as obnoxious as the bar predator, its always lame to get stuck sitting next to the "heart to heart guy" too because you will find yourself getting sucked into conversations about everything from exes to family, and then the next thing you know its last call. Where did your fun go? Not only did you talk yourself sober, but usually these guys like Nickelback too! On a positive note, "heart to heart" guys get laid the most.

Finally, there is always a guy in a suit who thinks he will pick up girls based on the fact that he looks like he might have a good job; or the desperately shy guy, who wouldn't be such a bad choice if he could stop blushing every time you talk to him.

I consider myself to be a somewhat normal kind of girl and you would think that seeing as how I'm normal, there would be a chance of there being normal guys at the bar too. Oh, but no. Uh-uh. Apparently, normal guys don't go to bars. They're too busy at home watching The West Wing and posting links in their blogs. It's possible that I could meet guys like these on the Internet, but that's a whole other column in itself.

Let's suppose I see one of these "normal" guys out one night. The smart thing to do would be to rush over enthusiastically (but not too enthusiastically) and introduce myself, right? Seems simple enough I'm sure, but I think meeting all the wrong guys maybe has me jaded. When it comes to approaching a guy in a bar, I just don't know how to go about it. Maybe this is what's hurting me. I need to learn proper bar etiquette.

I'm reminded of the time I actually did see a guy I wanted to approach. It was one of those nights where I found myself sitting at home bored, flipping through the channels and looking halfway decent so its only natural I figured I might as well go out. I walked into the bar, bought a beer and listened to the band rip Nirvana's "Heart Shaped Box" a new asshole. There wasn't anything too exciting going on; but then again, in this town, there never really is. "Where's the eye candy?" I wondered and then I finally saw him.

Tall and slim, with a headful of dark shaggy hair, he walked into the bar looking intentionally sloppy. His jeans were worn and his sweater was ratty and I couldn't see his hands for his sleeves. His name was Seth - I knew this because I had a class with him one summer. I spent many summer afternoons outside the science building bumming cigarettes from Jeremy just for a chance to talk to this chain-smoking guy. I'd listen as he would talk to other guys in my class about The Clash and I'd think, Hey I love that band! Talk to me about The Clash! I'd watch as he would ask my lab partner to explain the formula we just used to solve an equation, and I'd pout because I knew I had just finished explaining it to my lab partner. He had said one thing to me that whole summer. On the way back from a field trip at the power plant, we passed by the house where I lived with my roommates. Nick, one of the guys from my class, asked "Isn't that where you live?" and I nodded. Seth turned to me and said, "I always wondered how much it cost to live there. I'm looking to buy my own house instead of renting." Then, he turned back around. Our only interaction.

I don't know when it got to the point where I felt as though I could no longer talk to a guy I thought was attractive, but there was something about Seth that really intimidated me. I told this to the friends I was hanging out with at the bar that night and they found that to be hilarious. They demanded to know which guy I'd been checking out, so I pointed out Seth to them.

"I saw him checking you out earlier," Tre said.

I looked up at Seth again and that time he smiled. Eye contact was achieved. "That's it," I said. "I've got to break the ice somehow. I'm going to send him a drink."

That was followed by a collective "NOOOO!"

"You can't send a guy a drink," Tre said. "That's soo cheesy."

"Why not? Guys send girls drinks all the time."

"Exactly. That's why it is cheesy."

"I agree with Tashina," Matt said. "Why shouldn't a girl send a guy a drink? It's a free drink and that's a plus, and it's a good way for her to let him know she is interested without having to come up with awkward conversation. I say go for it. He drinks Jack and Coke, I heard him order one awhile ago."

Believe it or not, this sparked debate. Tre and Matt started asking every guy within earshot what they would think if a girl sent them a drink and I was so surprised to learn that most of them thought that it was a really lame thing to do, yet guys do it all the time!

Of course, I never sent him the fucking drink and he walked out of my life again before I even had the chance to muster a simple "hello."

I suppose its time to find a new tactic when it comes to approaching an interesting guy at a bar, or maybe I should just look for new places to meet them. Work is out of the question seeing as how the only men there are married or gay, but dating a co-worker is bad news too! And aside from work, the bars and the Internet, I really don't give myself many options for meeting good guys! I don't go to church and who really meets guys in grocery stores? I sure as hell am not going to let any of my friends fix me up with someone they find "perfect" for me. That's a disaster waiting to happen.

I'm still convinced he may be out there though, and I'll continue to look for him. I'll sit at the end of the bar, playing erotic photo hunt on the game system and sling back my Whiskey and Cokes with intensity. That reminds me of an interesting theory, actually.

It was this past weekend when I was celebrating my birthday that a thought occurred to me. After drinking to the point where I was slurring uncontrollably, stumbling over everyone's feet, spilling drinks on strangers and then waking up the next day to find myself fully dressed and sleeping on my still-made bed, I had to ask myself, is it me? Am I the one who makes it hard to meet guys in bars? Is it my drunken behavior that turns guys off? I mean, my birthday can be excused, but that was really just a step above my usual bar antics. Then, the thought left me almost as quickly as it appeared. I mean, why think such crazy thoughts, right? Everyone knows I'm practically perfect. Especially when I'm hugging toilets (I've got great aim).

God, I'd hate to think what "bar type" someone would come up with for me. If you are smiling to yourself right now, thinking, 'Wwhy, I know exactly the type,' you'd better stop before I make you my next victims. Oh, and you owe me a drink. Assholes.

Tashina Savage likes to get drunk to the point where regular people start to resemble celebrities to her. As soon as she sees Jude Law, she will approach him. Send her a drink to sundaysgirl@gmail.com.