The heredity of sex

After a long day at work and a trip to the grocery store in day-old heels, I came home, ready to relax, popped open my laptop and found a confirmation for an order on Drugstore.com. I found this interesting because I know I didn't place an order and the only other person with access to my laptop is my sister. Oh no. What did she have to order online that she couldn't buy at Target?

Being the nosey, yet concerned, older sister that I am, I clicked on the order number to take a peek at her online purchase. Expecting to find special saline solution for her contacts or maybe a hard-to-find blemish treatment, I was quite surprised to find an order for enough condoms to supply an entire football team for a year and, ahem, "accessories."

Unable to think "hey, way to go, good idea to be safe" I thought, "Holy shit, my little sister is having sex!" While this is something I already knew had happened in the past, I now had the proof that it was happening AGAIN. My sister is bumping uglies with the guy that has been showing up at our apartment with more and more frequency. Why hadn't I thought of this before?

Questions begin cropping up in my head.

Why did she order so many? Was she trying to save on shipping or do they really do it that often?

Why such a complex condom - Durex Extra Sensitive Ribbed with Flavored Lubrication? Was she taking advantage of a sale, or, is she interested in sex feeling better? She has preferences now? Oh man, why flavored ?

And the accessories; oh the accessories ... as if an insane amount of condoms wasn't enough, she had to really gross me out by ordering a Costco-sized bottle of KY Tingling Mint-flavored Gel, a tub of Dream Creme Sinful Desire Lickable Body Topping in Cotton Candy and a spray on Erection-Enhancing Desensitizing Cherry Flavored Lubricant "For Him." And to top off the shocker with a perfect little cherry, (no pun intended), Drugstore.com is sending her a FREE Pocket Rocket as a special gift. Isn't that lovely? Now she can take this show on the road!

I came to two conclusions: either my sister was shopping on an empty stomach, or, she is a closet freak. Finally, my worst nightmare had been realized - she is exactly like her sister.

I suppose this means I have been in denial ever since I accidentally found her Hitachi Magic Wand and not-so-well-hidden porn collection on the C drive. My little sister is the proverbial science nerd, with a science nerd degree, that works in a lab coat and relaxes in novelty t-shirts. She owns a single pair of high heels, drives a '94 Taurus and is 100 percent unassuming. In other words, she is the complete opposite of me.

Now that I know she is bumping and grinding in style and with flavor, I have to wonder where she gets this from. I certainly don't tell her about my personal escapades and half of her friends are gay or unable to attract the opposite sex because they are fat, ugly or a combination of the two. I was perfectly content with that arrangement. But no, someone had to turn her on to what I think should be America's favorite pastime.

And then, it hits me. My mom is a freak too! I was visiting my parents, happened to use their bathroom, needed some toilet paper, went into the closet to get it and, well, I kind of saw a leopard-print Liberator tucked in the corner, and, I do remember them closing the door to have "Mom and Dad time" quite often as a child. This is just getting worse.

And then it hits me. My aunts are freaks too! My family rents a house in Ocean City each year and we all come together as an extended family for a week, and if you know anything about drinking with the family, you know it can get inappropriate at times. I remember playing bartender one summer and doing my best to get everyone hammered and some of my uncles said a little too much. I remember the word nympho being thrown around quite liberally ...

And then it hits me. My cousin, who is also my best friend, is a swinger. Enough said.

I think its safe to say that not unlike heat disease, diabetes and cancer, sexual prowess runs in families. My entire family is Catholic and Polish so, no, the generations were not raised as flower children meant to frolic naked through corn fields, quite the opposite. And no, the generations were not raised in repressed environments either. We are all quite normal, healthy and free to believe what we want and free to speak our minds.

Knowing that my lineage is full of freaks is quite comforting because now I know that my sister and I come by it honestly and it isn't some sort of disease - or is it?

If you find yourself wondering why your are so sexually fanciful and free, embrace and exercise your carnal desires and then thank your family!

Sydney Savage is an International Conference Coordinator by day and gregarious Washingtonian by night. Feel free to criticize her opinions by emailing her at sydneysavage@hobotrashcan.com.