The "Big O" or roses?

The banter in my office is usually typical and boring - my husband this, my kids that, I hate this, I hate that, he said this, then I said that ... but, the other day, while sitting in my cubicle, I heard a piece of blasphemy that nearly knocked me out of my chair. My assistant tends to go a bit overboard when talking about her personal life, so this shouldn't have surprised me, but, she said, "Ugh, Valentine's Day is a week away; guess I should start gearing up to screw my husband."

Excuse me? When I think "gearing-up" for sex, I think, "Hold on a second, let me pee first," not "Let me start dreading this godforsaken act a week in advance." While I know it's a common fact that sexual activity decreases after marriage (usually), I just couldn't believe what I was hearing! And this chick is 24!

Enters Ty Ty the Myspace Guy. He loves to post Myspace surveys and collect the responses all in order to have a reason to provide his male commentary, which ends up as a futile attempt to be comically harsh. However, for my purposes, his latest "survey" piqued my interest and subsequently, I became a participant.

150 ladies were asked, "Which would you rather receive on Valentine's Day: the 'Big O' or a dozen roses?" The rules stipulated that you must choose only one with no additional parameters. Fine. Naturally, I chose the roses.

According to his calculations, out of 150 women, 120 chose the orgasm and the other 30 chose the flowers. Within his synopsis he made it quite clear that he was shocked; as was I!

His rationale:

1. Roses are a shitty way to show someone that you love them since you can buy them without getting out of your car from people walking up and down the street at random intersections;

2. Roses are a guy's way of either saying they are sorry or a ploy to get in a woman's pants;

3. Roses are always a last-minute idea, therefore, they mean nothing.

Seriously, that is what he said; if you aren't laughing yet, its coming ...

More insightful rationale:

1. Orgasms are great because they let a guy know he is "good at sex;"

2. Orgasms show a man that a woman wants him more than [she wants] flowers;

3. (and I quote) "When a woman tells her man that she wants him to come home and lay pipe like a fucking plumber that tells us that we are loved!"

Insert an unreasonable amount of exclamation marks and 500 capitalized words and you have a typical, male response that in no way addresses women and the survey response.

While Ty was shocked that 30 people would even THINK to choose the roses, I was shocked that 120 women chose the orgasm!

So it's Valentine's Day, big damn deal! I think it's safe to say that V-Day is nothing more than a retail holiday aimed to boost consumer consumption after January's holiday lull. How did February 14th become a day "fit for an orgasm"? Even though the survey was hardly scientific, are 80 percent of women really waiting around until Valentine's Day to climax? Is that why it takes an entire week to "gear-up" for it?

Ty bashed the hell out of the 30 chicks that chose the roses because the roses are an "obvious" ploy for sex (duh! ladies) and do nothing for HIS self-esteem?

Perhaps it didn't occur to him that the 30 ladies that chose the roses are perfectly satisfied on a very regular basis and require no ploys to remove their panties. Maybe they would rather have a bouquet of flowers on the bed-side table while receiving the same orgasm they would on any other day. To me, a satisfied woman wouldn't even have to consider which she would rather have because she already gets one of the two all the time!

Then I thought, no, he really can't be that chauvinistic, misguided and blind. He is simply confused. He obviously sees Valentine's Day as the perfect opportunity to make up for his short-comings (no pun intended). It's that one, special time of the year when he can save himself $80 by skipping the florist and put a smile on his lady's face by licking her like a lollipop without it costing him a dime.

After considering the conclusions made apparent by Ty's survey and the gripes made by my assistant, I can see why she would have to gear up to get with her hubby. While the ladies still engaged in courtship are putting their roses in water before they get all dressed up to go out with their significant other, my assistant is at home (with someone like Ty I'd imagine) hoping the sex she is about to have will live up to "Valentine's Day Standards" and not be the standard married couple crap that she's used to.

Perhaps if her hubby would get the "last minute idea" of buying her meaningless roses from the guy on the corner (so he doesn't even have to get out of his car!) more often, she would be much more inclined to remove her panties willingly, without any "ploys." And once this happens, perhaps her hubby should worry less about laying his pipe and more about hammering her plumbing, hmm?

So to all of you anti-roses men, buy the damn flowers, candy, card, [insert material item here] or all of the above. Realize that women like this shit. We don't know why, we just do. What we don't like is Standardized Valentine's Day sex, because, well, as I explained above, that means you just aren't cutting it the other 364 days of the year!

Sydney Savage is an International Conference Coordinator by day and gregarious Washingtonian by night. Feel free to criticize her opinions by emailing her at sydneysavage@hobotrashcan.com.