Beer Pong

With less than 18 months until my 40th birthday, I'd like to think that I have some wisdom to pass on to the younger generation. Over the years, I have gained expertise in some things, and I want to make sure that I pass that on for the greater good.

I think I'll start with Beer Pong.

I would never, ever encourage excessive drinking by college students. That would be irresponsible. But letting the current Beer Pong situation continue would be just as irresponsible.

For years, Pong has existed in many different formats. I have no problem with variations on the rules because one of the great things about the game is creating your own experience.

But this notion that the game Beirut is Beer Pong has to stop right now.

I have never played Beirut, which involves attempting to toss a ping pong ball into beer cups, generally arranged like bowling pins. I have no doubt I would enjoy the game, but I could never call it Beer Pong.

First of all, just because you play a game on a ping pong table and use a ping pong ball does not mean the game qualifies as some sort of ping pong. One very crucial element is missing – the paddle. It's all ping and no pong.

Beirut looks fun and all, but where's the real difficulty is standing there and tossing a ball? I'm sure it gets harder and harder as the game goes on, but I always thought the point of drinking games was to implement a degree of difficulty before you had a few beverages.

Look at all the classics. Quarters took some serious practicing before you could inflict some damage. Thumper required good critical thinking skills in order to not lose in an embarrassing fashion. And you really, really, really needed your thinking cap on to play Zoom, Schwartz, Perfigliano.

If you kids – and by kids, I mean young adults over the age of 21 and legally allowed to consume intoxicating beverages in a manner that will not endanger the lives of anyone (I'm the son of lawyer so I have to say things like that) want to have some fun, look up those last two on The Google.

Anyway, Beirut just lets you stand there and have a few beers. While that's fun, that's not really challenging. You're just tossing a ping pong ball in between drinks to pass the time. The best drinking games require a skill that has some difficulty whether you have had some drinks or not.

Real Beer Pong involves some skill with the ping pong ball. And the version I played in college also required trickery, muscle and speed.

For doubles, you set up two cups, filled completely, a few inches from the edge of the table on either side of the line running down the middle of the table. Each full beer represents five points and you wanted to hit the cups in the normal course of ping pong play, except on the serve because that was too easy.

Sounds simple enough, right? That's just the beginning.

You had to pace your drinking because if someone knocked over your cup – and believe me that wasn't too hard once half the beer was gone – you had to refill and finish by the next multiple of five. That led to some powerful shot attempts because it was always high comedy when a particularly brutal shot broke a plastic cup.

You could also punish your opponents by getting the ball inside of the cup, which pushed the score to the next multiple of five and forced them to finish their beers and refill. That brought about numerous opportunities to try and lob the ball directly into the beer. Sometimes it worked. Sometimes the ball missed the table and hit the floor.

Now here comes the muscle and speed required for the game. When your opponents' shot missed the table, you had a free play whereby one player scooped the ball up and tapped it toward the table for his partner to take a free shot at the other team's cups.

But if the ball crossed onto the other team's side of the room before the ball was scooped, the opposition could touch the ball and end the play. Or they could beat the crap out of opposing players who came across the middle of the room.

So in addition to drinking a bunch of beers, you might also walk away with a few bruises and cuts.

Does that ever happen playing Beirut? I don't think so. And don't even get me started on how Beirut doesn't involve full cups.

Sure, the rules I played under are confusing, but they made the game more fun. I don't know. Maybe kids are getting soft these days.

Brian Shea is probably enjoying a beer in his basement right now. You can contact him at columns@regularguycolumn.com.