Bathroom etiquette

As the campaign for president begins to gain steam, we hear about a lot of topics. We hear about universal health care and bringing the troops home and how to fix the educational system, but we don't hear about a topic that can impact our lives day in and day out.

Bathroom etiquette.

This became plainly obvious to me a few weeks ago while visiting a family member. I spent the whole day there and had a bunch to eat. At one point, I went into the bathroom to take care of business before I headed home.

I almost couldn't complete the task. Directly across from the can was a huge mirror. I honestly didn't know if I could manage to do my business while watching me do my business. It was creepy.

Eventually, I managed to get done what I needed to get done, but I began to wonder why the bathroom had such a large mirror. The thing ran across one whole wall. It was unfortunate that the plumbing for the sink and crapper sat on opposite sides of the room, but they could have gone with a smaller mirror.

The only thing that makes the whole situation okay is that the mirror was there when my brother bought the house a long time ago. I can accept laziness for not changing something like that. It still creeps me out though.

This was the second time in a few months that I had to deal with this situation. I visited my friend Brian in Cincinnati and his spare bathroom had a small mirror directly across from the can. After the second instance, I wondered if this was a new fad. Or if he had a camera in there.

I mean, I know I look very, very good, but even I don't want to see myself while I'm pinching a loaf. Ah, who the hell am I trying to kid. I probably look better doing that then I do most other times. At least you can tell I'm taking my work seriously.

I don't know why I can't get over all of this because it's not like I'm a shy guy when it comes to using the bathroom. I believe that every tree needs water, and I'm just the man for the job. I lived in a fraternity house that not only had no stalls, but no doors on the bathrooms. You learned to enjoy company or hold it.

Our basement even has the greatest commode in the history of the world. It sits in between the washer and dryer on a raised platform. Yes, our basement bathroom is a true throne, positioned perfectly so you can see the television from the seat. There is a shower curtain that goes around the commode for privacy, but I pretty much never use it since the basement is my refuge from the world. Who needs privacy at midnight while you're watching a soccer game or in the middle of a spirited game of NCAA 08 on the PS2?

So while it's okay for me to watch David Beckham or deliver a nasty sack off a well-timed blitz while I sit on the john, I don't want to look at myself. Not that there's anything wrong with it.

Regardless, our politicians need to take a look at this whole bathroom situation because it truly can define a society. The problem goes beyond having to watch yourself while you drop a deuce. There is a nationwide problem with urinal etiquette.

First off, you need to make a quick assessment of the situation as soon as you enter the bathroom. If no one is already in position, you need to head directly to the furthest urinal. I cannot stress this enough. If you pick something anywhere else, you throw off the entire rhythm of the process. Don't head for the first one because that causes a distraction to the next guy entering. Definitely do not pick a middle position because that just gums up the works.

If someone has already manned a battle station when you enter, you need to make a quick adjustment. If he followed my advice, head for the furthest station away from him. If he didn't and you see him at the first station, move quickly to the end of the line. You have to be like an NFL quarterback in these situations and make quick reads.

If there's one guy in there and he's in the middle, particularly in a three-urinal facility, this is where we need legislators to step in and make this a crime. I'm not homophobic or germophobic or anything like that. I just like a little space. We also need to have a great national discussion on what to do with your hands while you're watering the plants. I'd like to see think tanks crank out position papers on the acceptance of the Superman (both hands on your hips) instead of worrying about national debt and stuff like that.

And remember, no talking at any time, unless you are in a bar and you have had at least six drinks. All bets are off at that point. You can even put a mirror wherever you want at that point.

Brian Shea is probably enjoying a beer in his basement right now. You can contact him at columns@regularguycolumn.com.