Teachers

I hear there's a new TV show about teachers. In a fit of creativity, they've named it Teachers. With crackerjack, whipsmart writers like that, it sounds like a can't-miss hit. I know I won't be watching it. Hell, I never saw a single episode of the last big true-to-life (ahem) show about life in an American public high school - Boston Public. If I want to watch fantasy TV, I'll tune into one of George Bush's "Here's How the War's A-Goin'" speeches.

I don't need to watch shows about high school life, because as a teacher in one of those public high schools, I am in the tren ... HA! You thought I was going to say "...in the trenches," didn't you? Teachers love to think of themselves as soldiers on the front lines in the battle to educate America's iPod-addicted, oversexed, getting-fatter-every-year youth. So they say they are "in the trenches." Yeah, that's a great analogy, folks. Real soldiers in real trenches dodge shrapnel and sleep in their own feces. Real teachers in faux trenches might prick a finger while reloading that stubborn stapler in a balls-out effort to get out the door by 2:30.

But back to Teachers. You don't have to watch it, either. I've seen enough teacher TV shows in the past to give you a pretty good idea of the themes of this season's shows. I bet I can give you an accurate synopsis of the premise without having seen a single episode or even reading one review.

There is probably a male teacher in his late 20s/early 30s who the kids just love. He constantly battles with the principal, who grudgingly acknowledges that Mr. Dynamic is indeed an asset to the school, even if he does cause a weekly crisis that sends the school and the community into a tizzy. Every episode features said teacher giving an impassioned speech in the principal's office (or the teachers' lounge, or in the hall, or in the office) in which he valiantly sticks up for the students. He uses unconventional teaching methods that irk most of the veteran teachers, who are no doubt threatened by this educating dynamo. He can often be found visiting a student's home to chide the student's single parent about how that parent's actions are harming the child, or he shows up where the student works or he tracks them down just in a nick of time, grabbing the heroin needle as it is poised just inches above a student's waiting arm.

Now that I've nailed the premise, let me give a brief rundown of the first season's themes. After I nail the topic of each show, I'll take the liberty of assuming that the show's producers will ask Mr. Ned Bitters to punch up the scripts a little bit to add some believability to them.

The Crush: Our young hero is unable to keep his irrepressible charms from oozing out all over his female charges, the most mature of whom decides she is going to bag herself a nice hunk of teacher hotness. Mr. Wonderful is extremely flattered, but he valiantly resists the siren song of the big-titted ditz from third period. He smiles approvingly at the end of the show as she walks off hand in hand with her new high school beau, her crush on Teacherman forgotten.
(The Bitters Punch-Up: The show ends with a shot of Teacherman furiously pounding one out to the crusher as he ruefully stares at her cheerleading picture in the school yearbook. As he blows his load, he is heard to scream, "Fucking age of consent laws!")

The Gun/Knife/Weapon of Class Destruction: An oft-abused student decides to punish his tormentors by bringing a weapon to school. Who gets wind of this plan and saves the day with a tear-inducing speech to the troubled nerd? Nope, not security, not the principal and not the cops. Teacherman saves the day again!
(Bitters Punch-Up: After getting the pistol-packin' punk to hand over his gun, Teacherman deposits the weapon in the locker of that asshole who makes his eighth period a daily hell. Teacherman alerts the police, the student gets expelled and Teacherman can now show his movies in peace.)

The Addiction: A student tries alcohol or drugs for the first time in her life, and by the first commercial break she is a full-blown addict with a hardcore habit. Just as she's about to blow the local dealer for another hit of smack (or that week's fashionable prime-time drug), Teacherman saves the day and gets the skanked-out addict into rehab after tracking her down on skidrow at 3 AM.
(Bitters Punch-Up: After depositing the junior junkie at the rehab clinic, Teacherman finds a stash of heroin in his car that had fallen out of the girl's jacket pocket. He goes home and shoots up and stares at his lava lamp while listening to the White Stripes' Elephant CD. He considers jerking off, but prefers the rush of the lava lamp instead.)

The Ethical Decision, Parts 1 & 2: Teacherman knows that some teacher did something very, very bad but very, very necessary. Oh, the dilemma! Does he tell his superiors, or does he let it slide and live with his scarred conscience? In one episode, he rats out the teacher who accepted world-class teenage head in exchange for rigging the Prom Queen vote. In a later episode, he does nothing about the teacher who raised the star athlete's grade so that superstar could play in the big game, because football is the star running back's only way out of the ghetto. (It's a high school show, so there has to be a ghetto. It's a TV law.)
(Bitters Punch-Up: Teacherman spreads the word that the superstar isn't playing because of grades, but he bets large on his team anyway, because he knows the grade will be changed just hours before kickoff. Teacherman wins big, then blows his winnings at the track the next day. Credits roll over Teacherman getting pie-eyed, shitfaced drunk in a bar.)

The Mediator: Two warring teachers see their philosophical feud escalate to the threat of punches and lawsuits until Teacherman intervenes and shows them that they're each right and that there is room in the school for both of them. Handshakes and backslaps ensue.
(Bitters Punch-Up: Fuck Teacherman's intervention - the two teachers throw down and fight until one is left a bloody mess in the hall.)

The Home Life: Despite a student's best efforts to conceal the truth, Teacherman learns the sordid details of the student's home life. Teacherman shows up at the student's home and helps the mother beat her crack addiction, find a job, land a good-guy boyfriend and stop acting the goddamn whore for once in her life. He does all of this in one 22-minute episode.
(Bitters Punch-Up: Of course, he bangs the shit out of the crackmom before helping her.)

Should the show get picked up for more episodes, the writers still have a slew of topics to pick out of their horseshit hat of hackneyed plotlines. One week Teacherman will cause a ruckus with his unconventional (but, course, highly effective) teaching methods. Another week will feature some wild new teacher who needs a good dose of smackdown from Teacherman. You'll also see the cheating scandal, the abortion episode and the ratings booster in which the teacher starts banging a student's just-turned-18 sister.

As the ratings soar, the produces will do a spinoff show about the guidance counselors. I'm going way out on a limb here, but I bet those crafty wordsmiths will call it Guidance Counselors.

Ned Bitters teaches high school and dreams of one day seeing one of his former students on stage at a strip club. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.