Advice to veteran teachers

A few months ago I gave some survival advice to new teachers, the type of advice they didn't find in their overpriced, theory-laden college textbooks. I thought of that column during our first week back to school. We have about 25 new staff members, most of whom are fresh out of college and eager to get at these kids and make 'em smart.

Every veteran teacher in the building goes out of his or her way to help these rookies. No matter how long you've been teaching, you still remember those first days and weeks of that mind-spinning first year, so you want to impart as much survival wisdom as you can to these enthusiastic eager beavers to help ease their transition from hard-drinking, sex-obsessed, carefree college kids to hard-drinking, sex-obsessed, at-their-wit's-end young professionals.

But veteran teachers need a few guidelines themselves when it comes to interacting with the new teachers. Failure to know these rules can make all the difference in how you are viewed by the rookies. Act one way, and you'll be looked at as a helpful, caring mentor who can be relied upon for sound professional advice, a shoulder to cry on and an outlet to vent to. But forgetting your station and trying to act cool can turn you into a pathetic joke whom the new teachers avoid like extracurricular duties.

Here are some things a veteran can help the new teachers with: show them how the copy machines work, where the many forms are located, which secretaries can get you the things you need, where their parking space is located, how to manage the record-keeping policies and how to use the phone system. You can certainly give them advice on how to handle students and different methods of teaching. And that's about the end of the list. However, the list of things you should avoid doing or talking about when dealing with the young guns is extensive.

Do not tell stories about the old days, the way it used to be 20 years ago when you first started. They do not care. I remember hearing those stories when I started, and I didn't give a rat's ass how little money some oldster made back in 1974, or how the lockers were bigger, or how the athletes were better, or how the rules allowed you to swat a misbehaving kid in the head with a board, or how the girls didn't dress like stripper trainees. (To think they call those the good old days.) New teachers today start at a salary that is exactly double what I made when I started in the late 80s, but I'd never bring this up. I have this information filed away under S for "So Fucking What?"

If you want to talk about the way things used to be, make sure the topics are interesting. For instance, I could tell stories about a female teacher who used to give hummers to co-workers in the parking lot in the early evening. I could tell them about the volleyball coach who was banging a couple of his players at his apartment, one of whom might have been the school board president's daughter. (She denied this to me in a bar years later before I even got a chance to bring it up, which I found oddly suspicious, but there were two other young beauties we were pretty sure about.) See, even you, Mr. or Ms. Reader, wants to know a little more about those stories, don't you? Those kinds of teacher tales might interest a young teacher, but only because they are timeless. However, if I start telling you about what a mess the old bookroom used to be, and how mold grew on the walls, and how the darn key never worked right, you'd zone out faster than George W. Bush at an Iraq briefing, especially if his mountain bike is outside and all ready for a-ridin'.

New teachers will constantly refer to their college days, because they were living the college life just three months ago. That is all good and fine. For the first few years of their professional lives, they'll still think they're in college and live accordingly, which means heavy drinking, multiple meaningless hook-ups and many frozen pizzas. However, the veteran teacher should not refer to any of his or her college stories at any time. It announces that you do not know how old you are, and that you are living in denial, and that you are pathetically unaware of your age. These young people do not want to hear your stories. Think back to being their age. Did you really care about what a 45-year-old friend of your dad did in college? Don't think too hard - the answer is no, I assure you. Once you hit 30, you should talk about college days only to people within three years of your age. Otherwise, don't bring it up. Yes, you drank, did some drugs, stayed up all night, acted the whore and did some wild and crazy stuff. So did almost every other college kid. So did almost every kid who didn't go to college. It's called youth. Most of us had one. Shut up about it. Just listen to the young teachers' stories and smile approvingly.

The veteran teacher may drink with the new teachers, but only at happy hours or staff-heavy parties. Even then, the older you are, the less time you should spend drinking with the new teachers. They might like you enough to invite you out to a happy hour. By all means go and have fun. Laugh and talk about work. If the gossip starts, do more listening than sharing. Otherwise, you'll seem like an old snitch and they won't trust you. Drink up to four drinks and get a nice buzz going. Then leave. Do not be ashamed. You are too old to keep up with them. If you can keep up the drinking pace with people 20 years younger than you, you will not appear cool. You will appear hardcore, as in alcoholic. Either way, they will tire of you. A few drinks makes you a fun veteran whom they'll allow into their inner circle for an hour or two. Staying too long makes you a nuisance, bore and the person they will make sure never to mention happy hour plans to again.

This advice about drinking is for your benefit as much as theirs. I continue to do the occasional happy hour with the young teachers. Believe me, after an hour or two, I am as ready to leave as they are as ready to kick me out. After the school talk ends, you will be subjected to long conversational segments about MTV shows you've never even heard of, let alone seen. (Because MTV has sucked for 20 years.) You will have nothing to add to conversations about Hilary Duff and John Mayer. (Even if you have kids of your own.) You do not want to go to the Dave Matthews concert. (For this, I heartily applaud your good taste.) You cannot comment on which Adam Sandler movie was the funniest. (Because, if you are a mature, intelligent adult with the taste of a fly, you know that the answer is None Of Them.) Your can't join the talk on cell phone comparisons, because yours makes and receives calls - end of list. (See, that's why it's called a "phone.") Theirs receive hourly photos from the Hubble telescope and can be used to perform appendectomies. (Which they will take video of.) They will use the Friday happy hour as a warm up for the six-hour beer-a-thon that will ensue later that evening. You will be happy to go home, plop into your recliner and watch the Discovery Channel.

Finally, do not - under any circumstances, be you male or female - hit on the young teachers, no matter how desperate or whorish they look. Sure, I've known a few oldsters who have fucked some young ones, but whether you bag the snatch (or schlong) or not, nothing good can come of it. If you fuck a young one, your older peers won't think "you da man" or "you da woman." They'll think you're a pathetic letch. The new teachers don't see you as you see yourself, which is as a vibrant, attractive sexual being. To them, you are that graying teacher who was working at that school when they were four years old. You are their parent, their aunt, the nice older French teacher who has been so helpful this year, the late-30-something woman whose mildly ribald comments make them laugh a little at lunch.

You are not Mick Jagger, despite your craggy face. You are not Cher, despite your too-tight jeans. You are not Johnny Depp, despite your cigarette breath. You are Steve from the Math department. Act like it.

Ned Bitters teaches high school and dreams of one day seeing one of his former students on stage at a strip club. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.