Conspiracy theory

Oliver Stone probably thought he was doing conspiracy theorists a favor by creating his much talked about movie, JFK in 1991. He probably couldn't have foreseen that it would become the easiest verbal deflector shield available to those who are committed to dismiss any purported agreement between liked-minded members of The Powers That Be. Because today, when any intelligent and rational human being suggests that well-funded and well-connected connivers have crafted a plan to suit their needs and then put it in motion, any available naysayer has a ready-made rebuttal that effectively wipes out even the sanest theories.

"Pffft. I think you've been watching too many Oliver Stone movies."

Dismissive laughter accompanies the one-liner. In one oral sweep by the agenda-laden skeptic, the theorist's credibility has been reduced to the level of crazy Mel Gibson or marginal blogger. In the unlikely event that said zinger fails to bury their prey, the anti-conspirator has another weapon in his arsenal: "So, what shape do you prefer your tin-foil hat? Are you a dome guy, or more of a pointy-headed nutjob?" or something to that effect.

Of course, everyone knows that there are, in fact, loads of conspiracies. By definition, a conspiracy is any act or agreement between at least two people or parties acting in combination to bring about a desired result. There are also specific legal definitions involving conspiracies to commit crimes, and the word certain carries with it a connotation of some evil or treacherous act, carried out against unsuspecting innocents.

However, the more closely your philosophies and political leanings are associated with an accused conspirator, the more likely you are to dismiss the theory out of hand, with some version of the aforementioned come-back lines. Because, you see, there are no conspiracies when they are not to your liking. They don't exist. Everyone is the world is just taking what life gives them, and there are no groups of people meeting behind closed doors to try and affect outcomes, especially if the hypothetical conspirators are people with whom you've sided.

Conversely, if the supposed planners are affecting an outcome not to your liking, well then, it's time to call your local talk radio station, find a half dozen blogs and in general start yelling at the top of your lungs, "Look at these bastards! Don't you see what they're doing? They're killing America!"

I say this with something specific in mind. There's a conspiracy abounding out there of the most troubling nature, and to all you naysayers who are armed with your fancy, snappy answers, I'm here to say that I'm on to you, and you can't dismiss this so easily.

Let's start by saying that global warming is as hot as global warming these days. One can hardly turn the television on without being bombarded by this company or that company touting their green machines, in hopes you'll either feel guilty enough to buy one, or at least stop hating them. "An Inconvenient Truth" has become a household expression. General Electric is desperate to inform you that they are doubling the amount of environmentally friendly products they sell.

Mr. Inconvenient Truth himself, Al Gore, has pled with us to believe that the environment and global warming isn't a political issue; it's important to all of us. Yeah, right. At my new job, the radio is always tuned to the conservative talk shows, so I've enjoyed listening to Rush Limbaugh and Sean Hannity every day for the past month or so. I can promise you that hardly a day goes by without one or both of these guys desperately trying to counter the growing global warming culture with their particular brand of furious scoffing. Someone deep within the Republican propaganda machine is obviously spurring them on.

But what is far more telling is what ExxonMobil is trying to do. In recent national news articles, it has come to light that think tanks funded by the biggest of the big oil folks have, at least once, paid scientists $10,000 to write articles intent on chipping away at the scientific models of global warming. In fact, there is ample evidence of a well-funded, wide spread movement aimed at undercutting every aspect of generally accepted global warming theories. The basic gist of it is that humans are far too negligible to affect the earth's climate, despite the overwhelming evidence that temperatures and man-made greenhouse gasses have peaked in direct correlation to human activity. Think of it as intelligent design vs. scientific fact for the environment.

Hey, if there's one thing the Republicans have learned in the past seven years, it's this; if you say it long enough and loud enough, people will eventually begin to believe it. Clearly, there is a coordinated effort to throw as much mud at the global warming movement as possible, so that the big oil network can continue making record profits. This is hardly the first time we've seen certain, well-connected groups carelessly ignore the well-being of the masses to fuel the juggernaut of fabulous wealth.

Of course, the Republicans and their petroleum brethren are not the only ones out there affecting outcomes of national importance. Raise your hand if you think that referee Tim Donaghy is the only guy who has allowed the gambling goons to get their hands in the NBA's official's pockets.

Hmmm ... David Stern, you can put your hand down now. Anybody else? Didn't think so.

These are just two examples that have crept up this past month. What - you still don't think conspiracies are all that common? Let me ask you - what seems more likely? That really rich, power hungry people are sitting around going "Golly, I hope our interests work out in our favor without us doing too much," or, does it seem reasonable that they are calling in favors, twisting arms, greasing palms, buying congressmen, all in the name of their best interests? I'll take door number two, thank you very much.

Remember kids, conspiracies are everywhere. When making your case, be prepared for the doubters to have their ready-made comebacks on the tip of their tongues, and formulate one of your own.

If you can't think of one, meet me in the back room after midnight, and we'll come up with a plan.

Evan Redmon is a manager of a public golf course in Washington, D.C. and writes a few things about stuff sometimes. Contact him at evanredmon@yahoo.com if you really want.