Murphy’s Law – A SFW review of Star Wars XXX

Joel Murphy

With Axel Braun’s latest film, Star Wars fans finally have a chance to watch their beloved characters do what George Lucas has been doing to them for years.

As part of Vivid Entertainment, Braun has made a name for himself with his superhero parodies (Batman XXX, Superman XXX and Spider-man XXX). Since those films were well-received by notoriously difficult to please comic book fans, Braun has decided to go for the fanboy holy grail – the Star Wars franchise.

Star Wars XXX: A Porn Parody is Vivid’s most expensive and ambitious production to date (and is believed to be the most expensive porn ever made by any company). Not only are the costumes and sets faithfully recreated from the original 1977 film, but the movie clocks in at around two and a half hours, with one full hour devoted to the sex-free story.

In the past, Braun has only been given about 25 minutes of SFW scenes. While that worked for Batman XXX, which had an original plot loosely based on the 60s TV show, and Spider-man XXX, which cherry picked iconic scenes from Sam Raimi’s films and mixed them together with an all-new plot, Superman XXX struggled to condense nearly two and a half hours of story from the 70s Richard Donner film into a coherent 25 minute narrative. Braun wisely realized that if he was going to give Star Wars the proper porn send up it deserved, he needed more screen time devoted to recreating all of the memorable scenes fans would expect to see.

And it really is all there. The epic space battles, Princess Leia’s rescue from the Death Star and Han and Chewy’s introduction in Mos Eisley spaceport have all been included. The sets, props and the costumes used in the film are dead on. On the downside, they didn’t secure the rights to John Williams’ famous score, so most of the songs are close enough to invoke the originals, but changed just enough to keep Vivid from getting sued. And the CGI effects, while quite stellar for a porn film, are nowhere as impressive as the ones George Lucas was able to achieve in 1977. (Still, I applaud the effort and I give Braun credit for making the ballsy decision to render R2D2 and C2PO completely in CGI.)

The other key element to making a film like this work is the casting. For the most part, Braun and Co. have done a good job finding the right actors for these roles. The two best castings are Allie Haze as Princess Leia and Tom Byron as Obi-wan. Haze is a surprisingly good actor and she has the right look to play the iconic role. (She wanted the part so badly that she showed up to her audition with her hair already in the trademark Leia buns.) Byron is quite enjoyable as Kenobi, who in this version is portrayed as a degenerate drunk. Similarly, the film gets good comedic mileage out of portraying Luke (Seth Gamble) as a whiny moron and C3PO (voiced by Chi Chi LaRue) as flamboyantly gay. And Darth Vader (Lexington Steele) is – as any character voiced by James Earl Jones should be – black.

The one huge misfire in the casting is Rocco Reed as Han Solo. Reed doesn’t have the right look or the requisite machismo needed to pull off playing one of Hollywood’s most lovable rogues. I’m not sure if there is a porn equivalent of Harrison Ford out there somewhere, but Reed’s portrayal of the character definitely falls flat.

The other major problem Braun had in casting the film was the fact that A New Hope is essentially a giant intergalactic sausagefest. Being an adult film, it becomes problematic that Princess Leia is the only female character of note (unless some of you out there are hankering to see Aunt Beru get freaky out on the moisture farm). To solve this problem, Braun gets a little creative – making all of the Storm Troopers females (which makes Luke and Han’s disguises even funnier), adding a variety of new voluptuous characters to the Mos Eisley scene and casting Jennifer White as the sexiest Tusken Raider ever.

The other problem with parodying Star Wars is that its been done so many times before. Spaceballs, Family Guy, Robot Chicken and others have dissected the films from every angle imaginable. Still, this parody is able to get a few really enjoyable porn-centric laughs, including an amusing play on the whole “Han shoots first” controversy and an incredibly funny response to Leia’s “You came in that thing?” quip.

Like all of Braun’s previous parody films, you can see that this was made by someone with a great respect and love for the source material. Braun has a good sense of what the fans want to see and what aspects of the franchise he can poke fun at. He knows the love/hate relationship many fans have with Lucas these days and is able to make jokes about the changes in the rereleases and the little odd plot inconsistencies that now stand out in hindsight.

If you have a desire to see a wookie three-way or a very creepy expansion of that infamous Luke/Leia kiss, then this is the porn parody for you. Braun has created a loving send up of Lucas’ first film and has positioned himself (no pun intended) to create a franchise that is much more entertaining than The Phantom Menace in 3D.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.