Brett Favre can blow me.
Seriously, I haven’t hated an old person this much since the last time Madonna opened her mouth.
Even though it’s been half a decade since Favre was actually a respectable quarterback, he’s back in the news now because – surprise, surprise – two weeks after he opted to “retire,” he changed his mind and is now a member of the Minnesota Vikings. I will never take issue with someone wanting to earn a living, but that doesn’t mean I want to see it and read about it every fucking time I turn on the television or go to a sports-related website.
Honestly, why in the world do ESPN, Sports Illustrated and any other agency that makes a living off of the world of sports feel the need to keep forcing this asshole on me? I haven’t been this pissed off since FOX decided Paris Hilton should have a TV show.
I mean, this shit is so tiresome that I actually found myself thinking, “Can’t we go back to talking about Michael Vick?” At least that whole story is interesting. No one knows how Vick in Philadelphia is going to play out, so I can understand folks wanting to invest their time and attention. But Favre in Minnesota? Nope. The only thing it’ll do is ensure the Vikings do not win a Super Bowl this year. Of course, before the dickhead in Wranglers showed up, they were content to go into the season with Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson, so they already knew they wouldn’t be playing for a championship in 2009.
But for the benefit of anyone who has to encounter a delusional Vikings’ fan who somehow thinks this acquisition suddenly makes Minnesota relevant, well … you’re in for a treat. I’m so tired of Favre, I’d already done my homework. This guy is quite possibly the most overrated player in the NFL today, and I won’t even let someone start a sentence if I think they’re going to use his name in it. For that reason alone, I went ahead and compiled Favre’s statistics over the last four seasons.
From 2005-08, Favre completed 1,414 passes in 2,277 attempts for 15,393 yards, with 88 touchdowns and 84 interceptions.
To help make those numbers easy to digest, here’s what they average out to per season: 353 completions in 569 attempts for 3,848 yards, with 22 touchdowns and 21 interceptions.
His QB rating over the last four years is 79.5, which would have been around the 25th best in the NFL last season. I repeat, he would have been shittier than 24 other quarterbacks last year, and would have been in the neighborhood of Kyle Orton, JaMarcus Russell and Tyler Thigpen. So yeah, Favre’s triumphant arrival in Minnesota will help the Vikings on the field about as much as a Fred Smoot sex cruise. But other than that, they should be great.
Here’s what’s truly disappointing about the entire situation – the Vikings are one legitimate quarterback away from being an elite team.
They have the best running back in the game in Adrian Peterson. They also have one of the nastiest defenses in the NFL. All they’ve been missing is a QB, and sadly, they still don’t have one, even after paying Favre’s base salary of $12 million this season.
Last year, the Vikings were fifth in the NFL in rushing and sixth in defense. Their passing attack ranked 18th. Everyone knew this was the situation, but for some reason, they convinced themselves they could make it work. And then training camp and the preseason rolled around and management was reminded just how pitiful Rosenfels and Jackson are.
If only there was a QB out there who the Vikings could have acquired this past offseason. Oh wait … that’s right. There was. His name is Jay Cutler. He’s a top-tier quarterback who whined his way out of Denver and was traded to the Chicago Bears. He’s only 26 and, unlike Favre, is capable of making people other than John Madden take notice. But why would Minnesota want him? They’re in “win now” mode. No sense in getting a long-term solution to their QB woes. So, at the end of the day, not only did the Vikings fail to get Cutler, they let him go to a division rival. That sounds smart, doesn’t it?
I’d feel sorry for the dumb bastards, but honestly … I’m looking forward to the train wreck. Favre purposely stayed home to avoid training camp and already is on record as saying that even he doesn’t believe his soon-to-be 40-year-old body can hold up for an entire season. None of that mattered to the Vikings though. They had already talked themselves into doing it. So they stepped up to the table, rolled those dice and, sadly, are going to be blown away when they leave Vegas broke and confused. I can’t wait.
Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at firstname.lastname@example.org.