2009 was pretty awful, speaking personally.
Big things happened (I lost my grandpa; almost lost my cousin in a truly traumatic way). Little things happened (my iPod was stolen). Medium-sized things happened, things that were big, but not as big as the aforementioned family tragedies (My dog died at 19 years old; I wrecked my car). So it’s easy to see the ugly.
But not today, gentle reader.
This week, prepare to only see the best (with a healthy smattering of the best of the worst). Life goes on, and as the year draws to a close, we can look back. We lost a lot, but hell, we gained a show about singing and dancing high schoolers, and that’s something.
Let us now commence…
The Best of the 2009
Most Enjoyable Movie
(tie) Star Trek and The Proposal
Probably Best Movies of the Year But I Haven’t Gotten Around to Seeing Them Yet
The Hurt Locker, Moon, District 9 (I had a rough year and didn’t get out a lot. Obviously.)
“I Liked It, Maybe Even Loved It, But It Could Have Been Better If the Soundtrack Hadn’t Been Terrible and the Sex Scene Had Been Less Awkward” Movie
The Notebook Award for Most Tears Per Second of Film
Movie that Seriously Fucked Me Up After Watching It
The Raveonettes, In And Out Of Control
“Two Weeks” by Grizzly Bear
Song that Has Been Stuck in My Head and My Only Solution is Removal of Said Head
“Waking Up in Vegas” by Katy Perry
Guilty Pleasure Song
(tie) “Fallin’ for You” by Colbie Caillat; the song above
Song That’s Basically the Doctor Who Theme
“Uprising” by Muse
Best TV Episode
“Right Place, Right Time,” How I Met Your Mother
Best TV Moment
Pierce tripping on Mexican Halloween in Community.
TV Show that if it Gets Cancelled In 2010, So Help Me, I’ll Crack Some Skulls
Community. Seriously. Watch this show. It’s awesome.
The Wire Award for Beloved TV Show I Haven’t Caught Yet
Show I Haven’t Watched Much This Season, Only to Have the Finale Ruined for Me, WTF
Best TV Quote
“I need you to be awesome. Can you be awesome?”
– Chuck to Captain Awesome, Chuck
“A book hasn’t caused this much trouble since Where’s Waldo went to that barber pole factory.”
– Tracy Jordan, 30 Rock
“This circle represents people who are breaking my heart. And this circle represents people who are shaking my confidence daily. And where do they overlap? Cecilia.”
– Marshall, How I Met Your Mother
Spectacularly Terrible SNL Host, Maybe the Worst Ever
January Jones. Oh Betts.
Best Ad Campaign
The Levis “Go Forth” campaign
Ad Campaign That Makes Me Want to Kill a Puppy
Those goddamn cheerleading/rapping Gap ads
Death. Seriously. At this point it’s not a hacky joke comment. Everyone died this year. I’m pretty sure I died this year.
Whoever’s responsible for STFU, Marrieds and STFU, Parents because those sites are both genius.
I don’t give a rat’s ass about Tiger Woods, but his main hooker also had an affair with David Boreanaz, who allegedly called her from the delivery room while his wife was giving birth. David Boreanaz. The love of my life from age 14 until … well, August when that story broke. I’m still not over it. I mean, I can only tell myself that Angelus did it because the curse was lifted again so many times.
Most Devastating Moment
It doesn’t happen until December 26, but saying goodbye to David Tennant as the Tenth Doctor on Doctor Who will be the hardest television moment of all time as far as I’m concerned.
Recipient of the prestigious “I hope the movie Open Water happens to you” award
Chris Brown. Fucker.
Really Horrible but Often Hilarious War
Okay, so like I said, I don’t give a shit about Tiger Woods because I don’t watch tennis, but at press time, we are up to FOURTEEN mistresses. Not just one night stand affairs. Proper long-term girlfriend mistresses. I know Gatorade dropped him, but he’s showed so much stamina, they could really only benefit. I can see the ads now … Electrolytes – they’ll let you bone half the country in a three year period. Note: Does not prevent general chaffing and itching.
Best Thing that Ever Happened to Life Ever
Adam Lambert. Everyone just deal with that.
See you after Christmas, my pumpkins, when I’ll tell you what you should have liked more this decade. GET EXCITED.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.