Stardate: 01.17.10 6:56 Central Time (yeah, that’s right Eastern Time that’s been dominating all NBC news lately! Eat it!). I’ve got my 2005 Cabernet (so vintage, you guys) and my Mint Milanos, and I am ready to liveblog this mess.
I’ve been mildly watching the red carpet coverage. You’re not missing anything. Just a lot of Vanessa Nick-Lachey’s-Girlfriend-Not-Important-Enough-To-Warrant-My-Remembering-Of-Her-Last-Name, Billy Bush and Natalie Morales who already fucked up in my short time paying attention.
7:00 – It starts! Ricky time!
7:00 – January Jones has a BAD headband on.
7:01 – Steve Carell mock anger motioning “I will break you” to Ricky is my new favorite thing.
7:02 – First low-rating NBC joke of the night. I will take a drink every time one occurs. For you, gentle reader. And by 8:14, I will be typing like this: kjhgljhdsgfkljhdsgfkjClooney has a beardjhhhhhhhhhhhhhh
7:03 – Everyone is slightly uncomfortable by Ricky making jokes about them. Even countryman Hugh Laurie doesn’t look particularly amused. Kiefer Sutherland does, but he’s eight Jacks in as of presstime.
7:04 – I’m sorry, Angelina-adopts-lots-of-kids jokes aren’t old to me yet. Oh snap, Jay Leno Joke #1. I will eat a cookie for every Late Night War joke, and by 8:14 I will look like Violet Beauregard from Willy Wonka, only less blue.
7:05 – Nicole Kidman’s face is having the hardest time moving right now. I feel like it’s going to rip and a horrible screaming beast is going to burst out and only Kurt Russell will be able to save the team, along with the black guy with the flamethrower. Quick, someone burn her blood so we know she’s real!
7:06 – First Globe of the night goes to Mo’Nique. She has an Ann Sathers cinnamon roll stapled to the back of her head and it looks delicious. For someone who really didn’t give a what about being nominated, she looks really touched. Bless.
7:07 – Aw, cut to Gabby Sidibe. I want to be friends with her. Mo’s talking to her man now. He’s not a star, but he’s wearing indoor sunglasses. I respect that in a “guest of invitee.” I also respect Lee Daniels’ fancy mustache.
7:09 – Nic Kidman is just staring at Mo’Nique’s flab and trying to run offstage without her, lest she catches the fat cells. Skinny bitch.
7:10 – I love Toni Collette, but Muriel, honey, you’ve turned orange. Say no to the Mystic booth.
7:10 – I pick Tina. If I’m wrong, I drink.
7:11 – Toni won. Drink. Full disclozhe, I would have taken a drink anyway.
7:12 – Commercial. I tweet.
7:17 – Michael Emerson looks like someone that would stab me in the throat in a grocery store. William Hurt looks like his beard might do the same thing. Lithgow, whose character would do just that, seems like someone I want to hug a lot. Piven deserves to not be nominated for things anymore.
7:18 – Yay Lithgow! I love that man. I want to dance in his honor, but I understand that he doesn’t allow that kind of thing ’round these parts.
7:19 – No joke, when the camera cut to Michael C. Hall when Lithgow thanked him and we saw the effects of his chemo, I got tears in my eyes. Get well soon, Michael C.
7:20 – I get the feeling Paul McCartney dyes his hair. I hope I’m not being too controversial here. It is the color of Alli poo.
7:22 – Oh Up, if you didn’t win, I would have thrown a cookie at the screen.
7:22 – No I wouldn’t have. That’s a waste of a cookie.
7:23 – I feel bad when the jokes of non-actors fall flat, and I feel worse when the music turns on for them. Turn the music on for people who always get to be in the spotlight. Don’t turn it on for Pixar Pete! (I didn’t get his real name. I’m no better than the music people.)
7:27 – Kate Hudson is dressed like a contemporary lamp.
7:29 – I’m going to start saying “I’ll be waiting for you. With my legs open,” in general conversation. Often at work. Just to see what happens.
7:29 – I salute all the plugging, asides and general scriptlessness. Ricky, you’re so awesome.
7:31 – William H. Macy has officially turned into Bilbo Baggins. And his wife has been hitting the hobbit ale.
7:32 – Does anyone ever care when they bring up the award people? I sure don’t. But I do care that his hair is the same color as Paul McCartney.
7:32 – Yay, people I love! NPH and Jane Krakowski.
7:33 – The audience tonight is not particularly laughy. It’s like there’s a horrible global crisis going on while they’re slugging champagne that costs more than my life.
7:34 – Michael C. Hall won! Good, because every time they cut to him, I get chokey, and it’s really for the best that I get it all out at once. Fuck you cancer. You will not hurt my David Dexter Fisher Morgan!
7:36 – Juliana Margulies is wearing a dress made of Dorothy Gale’s ruby slippers. I respect that. Oh and she won. What I’ve learned thus far is that as I type about people, they win. This is the first one I haven’t had to backspace and update. I’m going to type about Eli Roth showing up in my room now, brb.
7:37 – Juliana is a touch slurry drink drunk. I hope everyone is Mariah Carey-style wasted tonight as they accept.
7:38 – No, voiceover guy, I am not wondering if Avatar will win Best Drama. If it does, I will throw something that isn’t a cookie.
7:40 – Commercial question: does anyone else think they don’t have near enough heartstrings for that Extraordinary Measures picture? And do they also wonder “Wasn’t there already a movie with Hugh Grant as a doctor?”
7:42 – I hope NBC doesn’t NBC Parenthood. I’m excited for it.
7:42 – Harrison Ford! If there’s anyone I can count on to always be drunk at events, it’s Solo. He’s either had a stroke, or he’s wasted and trying real hard to talk slow and not slur. I’ll feel so bad if it’s the former.
7:43 – Up In The Air is my Best Pic pick. Great movie.
7:44 – A Heather Mills joke! Nice pull, Gervais. One-legged skag, she deserves it.
7:44 – I thought Christina Aguilera was free-boobing it on one side. But it’s actually a pink tulle thing. Wimp. That’s not the Xtina I know. And Cher is wearing a dress borrowed from my old boss at Waldenbooks, a goth girl who wore boots that weighed more than me and smoked long thin black cigarettes.
7:46 – T-Bone made a pun. Puns are only okay when made by someone named T-Bone. I read it in the AP Stylebook.
7:51 – Commercial comment: who else is sad that Luke Wilson has been relegated to AT&T ads?
7:52 – That said, Frieda Pinto DOES make me want to buy skincare products.
7:53 – I really can’t get over how awful The Marriage Ref looks. Like it upsets me.
7:54 – Amy Adams is the cutest pregnant woman this side of Heidi Klum, who I just assume is probably pregnant again already.
7:54 – What channels do they play miniseries on besides HBO and PBS? I mean, I think that besides Grey Gardens and Little Dorrit, everything was made up. Question #2, if GG was going to win anyway, why did they sit Drew Barrymore and Jessica Lange so far away? Half the speech time was devoted to them wandering up. As evidenced by them starting up the music. RUDE. Also, Drew’s wearing pieces of Falkor the luckdragon.
7:58 – Tom Hanks is on Twitter now. I just thought it was important for you guys to know that. He’s so rad.
7:59 – Ricky G. has popped his top two buttons. He is well on his way to performing shirtless.
8:00 – Colin Farrell just said “Oh, balls.” Dreamy.
8:00 – Julia Roberts is nominated? How about that. I think it’s great that someone saw Duplicity, because I sure didn’t.
8:01 – Meryl Streep is the greatest human being who ever lived. And since I typed that, she won. FEAR MY POWERS.
8:04 – Meryl has gone on longer than the Grey Gardens writers and they haven’t turned on the music for her. I don’t wish it on Meryl, but don’t do it to the randos, rude people! NBC is behind this. They turned on the music for Conan but refused to for Leno. #DeepThoughts
8:06 – SERIOUS COMMERCIAL QUESTION: Is John Corbett the voiceover guy on those Applebees ads? Because that makes me sad all the time if he is. You’re better than that, Corbett. You’re at least a Chili’s or a Smokey Bones.
8:09 – Helen Mirren is serious old lady hotness. She looks like she’s about to burst into tears. Probably because she’s describing Precious, and there’s no way to describe Precious without bursting into tears. Unless you’re the TV spots. Seriously, how many happy perky people did those spots dupe into seeing that film? That movie made me want to take a kerosene bath and then jump into a fire pit.
8:11 – I like that Kevin Bacon and John Lithgow won in the same night. DANCE OFF!
8:13 – Anna Paquin has the most serious cleavage happening. And yet, as I type about her, Drew Barrymore wins. Have I lost my gift? No, I wanted Drew and her sparkly Falkor dress to win, so it still counts. Jessica Lange looked PISSED. She’s either jealous, or that’s just how her face turned out on her last doctor visit. By the by, I love Drew Barrymore. She’s Critical Girlcrush #1.
8:17 – I just did a word count and I’m over twice my suggested word limit. I’M AWESOME.
8:21 – They’re doing ANOTHER Shrek? What the shit, people? At least it’s not Love Guru 2 I guess, but that is a thin silver lining.
8:23 – I’ve never seen anyone hate Ricky Gervias more than Omar Epps just did with his face. Also, can we even talk about how pleased I am that Ricky just called Jennifer Aniston “Rachel off Friends.” That’s going in the angry section of her The Secret-brand dream journal tonight next to a big mustachioed picture of Angelina Jolie.
8:25 – Jason Reitman has the same haircut as I did junior year of high school. His is greasier, and I had orange Snooki skin. Those are the only differences between us.
8:26 – Why do they still invite Ashton Kutcher places? What does he even do anymore? And what does Demi do anymore? Are they at this point living off That 70s Show reruns and Rumer’s appearance in The House Bunny?
8:27 – Critical Girlcrush #2 is Maggie Gyllenhaal.
8:33 – Samuel L. Jackson’s entire Inglourious Basterds intro should have been “I am tired of these motherfuckin’ Nazis in this motherfuckin’ Deutschland!”
8:33 – Sophia Loren is hotter than all of us. Nicole Kidman just whispered “she looks so old and decrepit and fat” and then her flesh ripped off her nose.
8:37 – Arnold Schwarzenegger looks angry. “I wahz rahbbed aund shud uhv wahn fahr ERASERRRR!”
8:38 – Zachary Levi is Critical Wannabe Boyfriend #1. Call me, Zach. I’m open to converting, or I will gladly be your Shiksa goddess.
8:39 – I am only assuming Zach Levi is Jewish. I could be wrong. I’m too transfixed by Christina Hendricks and her “glorious chichi’s” (copyright DListed).
8:40 – Holy crap, I looked away from Joanie’s cans, and HOLY BUCKETS PETE CAMPBELL, what happened to your hair? It looks like Nick Carter’s, only brown with Sun-In. To quote Michelle Collins of BWE.tv fame, his “new look is very Airborne.”
8:42 – I don’t have nearly enough estrogen for this Dear John picture. Dear God. Every time it comes on, my ovaries turn to raisins.
8:45 – I don’t get this Taylor Lautner kid. He looks way too much like those Avatar people, only less blue. His eyes are awfully beady. Joseph Gordon-Levitt, on the other hand, his eyes are perfect. I’d like them to look at me. (This is the portion of the program in which I lust after people. Pay me no mind.)
8:47 – I don’t even watch Glee and I want Jane Lynch to win.
8:47 – Chloe Sevigny looks very subdued tonight fashion-wise. For her. Not for, like, Rita Wilson. Oh and she won as I typed that (Chloe, not Rita). MY POWERS ARE A FORCE AND YOU WILL BOW TO ME.
8:49 – Ricky’s introducing Halle Berry as someone with special powers. Her powers are nothing compared to mine. MINE ARE AWESOME. But dayumn, her powers of boobies far surpass mine. I bow.
8:50 – Christoph Waltz will win. YEAH THAT’S WHAT I THOUGHT. (This is the portion of the program in which I type a great deal in Caps Lock.) PS – This whole time since the movie was released, I thought his name was Christopher. Sometimes I add letters to names.
8:55 – When I was younger, I thought that local commercials airing during award shows were being broadcast nationwide. I was so impressed that the whole viewing audience knew the glory of Storm Center 17 and their weather team.
8:56 – I wish I was in a position to call Martin Scorcese “Marty.”
8:58 – What is Brendan Fraser doing there? I don’t even have a comment I’m so confused right now. I bet he tries to call Scorcese “Marty” and “Marty” rips his plugs out of his skull.
9:01 – I always love the editing jobs on lifetime achievement awards. They should have had this guy edit the rest of the show because whoever is directing it is as drunk as Harrison Ford.
9:03 – I can’t wait for Shutter Island. It’s going to be nuts awesome.
9:05 – Is Jennifer Garner there stag? Where’s Affleck? Blake Lively, you keep your leggy boobsy self off him.
9:06 – I’m always touched by the speeches of “Marty” because he’s such a lover of film. But right now I’m really focused on how James Cameron is starting to look like a middle-aged lesbian.
9:13 – Speaking of middle-aged lesbians, Jodie Foster looks good. She hasn’t aged since circa ’91.
9:14 – Ricky: drunk at the podium. No different from anyone else who’s presented tonight. OH MY GOD HE MADE A DRUNK MEL GIBSON JOKE AND I LOVE IT.
9:15 – Mel Gibson just feigned drunk, but then messed up what category he’s presenting. Methinks he wasn’t so much feigning. Maybe he just wanted to mention Inglourious Basterds in an effort to show that he is anti-Nazi. Oh Mel, my little sugartits, we know better. And he presented it to The King of the World himself, who totally hosed his ex, Katherine Bigelow. I hope she shot him with some serious eye lasers for that one. Maybe his GG is part of her alimony.
9:19 – I still haven’t watched Glee. Or Modern Family. I’m a failure as a theater nerd.
9:21 – DUDE. Voiceover guy. Quit jerking off Avatar. That’s twice now.
9:23 – This year’s The Ugly Truth award for purported “chick” flick that makes me want to murder goes to: When In Rome. Grrrrrrr.
9:25 – Justin Bartha is pocket-sized. He’s like a tiny treasure troll. Ed Helms looks like a proper dapper gent.
9:26 – Ooh, Reese Witherspoon. I hope she’s winning a belated award for Fear.
9:27 – Nope, just presenting the Best Comedy award. And it goes to Fear! No, actually it goes to The Hangover. Fear was robbed. AGAIN. Genius choice having Helms’s Doug song as the music pick.
9:33 – Ahnold is here to present the introduction for ahward nominated Ahvatar. Is it just me or do his eyes look beady? Did he get a Lautner-ing procedure? And what’s an Uhbitar?
9:35 – Mickey Rourke looks every bit the porterhouse-faced dreamboat I thought he would. He is made from the same material as his ten gallon hat.
9:36 – This is a good category with a lot of less popular actresses, but it being the Globes, it’s gonna be Sandy B. OH AND IT IS!!!!!! I love Sandra Bullock more than my luggage, and her dress is my favorite of the night, so I am fine with her winning. I won’t see The Blind Side though. I can’t watch heartwarming movies. They make me too sad. Yea like the Grinch, my heart grew three sizes and now things like that make me cry a lot.
9:39 – NO THEY DID NOT TURN ON THE MUSIC DURING SANDRA BULLOCK’S SPEECH. I am taking off my heels and hoops and I will start some shit with someone.
9:39 – Robert Downey, Jr. just won for Best Actor. Apparently my libido leaped through the screen and imprinted itself upon the envelope. Oh and he’s giving the best speech of the night. YOU’RE WELCOME, WORLD.
9:44 – Okay, people, we have to wrap this up. I need to spellcheck this mess then take a sleep.
9:46 – Yay! Winslet time! That’s just what I need to pick me up. Okay, I’m calling it on Colin Firth right now. But I’m not typing as she announces the winner, which means I’m wrong. Which I was, because The Dude won. I’m kosher with this. I haven’t seen Crazy Heart yet, but I assume it’s awesome. (Drinking game for you: go back, re-read and drink every time I say “awesome.”)
9:48 – While Bridges talks, I just think it’s a good time to mention that my favorite edited-for-television line of all time is from the cable version of The Big Lebowski, and that is “this is what happens when you find a stranger in the Alps!”
9:55 – Oh hi, Julia Roberts, you of fancy hair and good eye makeup. Final award. I’m calling it on Up In The Air, and then I’m calling it bedtime because I’m over all of this and have regrets. Seriously, I’m over 3,000 words. My fingies hurt. END.
9:56 – Avatar. Golly, I’d be shocked IF THE VOICEOVER GUY HADN’T GIVEN IT AWAY FOUR TIMES TONIGHT.
Well, I hope you feel like you were there. Barring Tobey Maguire setting the theater on fire / Nicole Kidman actually bursting out of her skin and killing the entire team at the Antarctic base, I’m out. Love you guys, and thanks for reading all these wordy things. Zzzzzzzz.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.