Somewhere, an adorable winged baby is stocking up on archery supplies so that he can fly around striking miserable single folks with arrows.
That’s right, Valentine’s Day is almost upon us – the day when happy couples attempt to prove their love by buying each other material possessions and single people drink copious amounts of alcohol, awkwardly hit on other single people at a bar and then head home to knit adorable outfits for their pets.
The past few years, I was one of those people in a relationship looking for the right gifts to buy my special lady. This year I am single again, but I refuse to dwell on it. In fact, I plan on ignoring women altogether this February 14th.
A wise t-shirt in Spencer’s Gifts once told me I should focus on “bros before hos.” So instead of trying to impress some new girl with candy and flowers, this year I’d rather spend the day building a new bromance. So this week, I’m sharing my top five man-crushes in hopes that one of them is free on Sunday …
5. Mike Rowe
Why he’s a man-crush: As the host of Dirty Jobs and the narrator on Deadliest Catch, Mike Rowe is the quintessential “man’s man.” He’s tough as hell, but not a total meathead. He’s also charming and funny as hell. Most importantly, he doesn’t take himself too seriously.
How we would spend Valentine’s Day: Probably riding in a Ford truck talking about sports as we headed to a barbecue. Or perhaps we would build a house with our bare hands or rebuild the engine on a 1967 Shelby Mustang using parts Rowe handcrafted. But really, I think the possibilities are endless, since Dirty Jobs has shown me that Mike Rowe is down for anything (any-thing).
It might get awkward if … he ask me to help him with a “dirty job” back at his hotel room.
4. Jason Mraz
Why he’s a man-crush: I have been on the Mraz bandwagon since day one. I saw him open for Jewel back before he was a household name and instantly fell in love with his smooth guitar riffs and witty freestyle lyrics.
How we would spend Valentine’s Day: Fedora shopping, perhaps. Or maybe we would have an impromptu jam session … with a muppet (hey, it’s my fantasy).
It might get awkward if … I accidentally blurt out “I’m yours.”
3. Nathan Fillion
Why he’s a man-crush: I’ve been a fan of Fillion since the Two Guys a Girl and a Pizza Place days. From his memorable run as Malcolm Reynolds on Firefly to his stints on two great web series, Dr. Horrible’s Sing-along Blog and P.G. Porn, he always brings it. He also has the rare ability to be charming and loveable while being a complete ass, which means I would have trouble ever staying mad at him.
How we would spend Valentine’s Day: Spouting off witty one-liners. Arching our eyebrows. Comparing our jaw lines. Later in the evening, we could sip hot cocoa together under the blankets while catching up on episodes of Castle.
It might get awkward if … he tries to show me “The Hammer.”
2. Drew Brees
Why he’s a man-crush: After suffering a serious shoulder injury as a member of the San Diego Chargers, his NFL future was in doubt. After Miami took a pass on him, he ended up in New Orleans and became the face of a franchise that had never once made it to the Super Bowl. After Hurricane Katrina, most sports fans were pulling for the Saints to beat Indianapolis last night and Brees did all he could to ensure that happened. He also happens to be one of the nicest guys on the planet and the city of New Orleans sees the quarterback as a godsend for his actions on and off the field.
How we would spend Valentine’s Day: He was named the Super Bowl MVP, so we could always go to Disney World. But honestly, the best way to spend the day would be getting plastered on Bourbon Street while tossing beads to cute girls with daddy issues. He could even bring along his adorable son (as long as he was rocking those precious earmuffs he had on last night).
It might get awkward if … Gregg Williams shows up and finds out I’m a Redskins fan.
1. Denzel Washington
Why he’s a man-crush: I think a better question is: “Why isn’t he your man-crush?” Denzel Washington is, simply put, the man. He has a charming everyman quality and every movie he has ever been in has been better because of his presence.
How we would spend Valentine’s Day: We’d spend it the way I imagine Denzel spends most of his days. First, we’d volunteer for a few hours at the local soup kitchen. Then we’d rescue a few kittens from trees. Next, we’d drop toys and piles of cash off at the local orphanage. After a light lunch and quick trip to the blood bank to donate our plasma, Denzel would probably have to go shoot some terrorists or thwart a bank robbery, which, as always, would be exciting to watch.
It might get awkward if … let’s be honest, it will get awkward the second he shows up and the whole thing turns into one of those Chris Farley interview segments from SNL.
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at email@example.com.