Nerds. Where would we be without them? Among the many things that would completely cease to exist without these blessed creatures is the YouTube fan-made video. But with great video editing software power comes great responsibility.
For those of you unfamiliar with the concept, a “shipper vid” is a video in which bits of TV shows and movies are edited together using out-of-context (or sometimes in-context, whatever, I can’t live your life for you) glances, words, etc. to create a relationship between two characters. Search “house cameron shipper” or “elliott olivia svu shipper” on YouTube and see what comes up. Some of it’s creepy, some of it’s secretly enjoyable.
Below are absolutely the former with three giant scoops of the latter.
5. Legolas/Aragorn from LOTR
Who hasn’t watched the Lord of the Rings trilogy and thought to themselves: “You know, I really respect the saga of the journey, the true goodness and strength of the seemingly weak characters and the epic scale of the cinematography and music, but damn I wish the king dude would just fuck the elf already”? Answer: NO ONE. Liv was hot in her elvish way, but there was only one luxuriously be-haired sprite for Viggo. Unfortunately, Middle Earth was not ready to accept a different kind of love. If it had, you just Sam and Frodo would have been boning the whole movie.
Oddly enough, Merry and Pip are all about the poon.
Single greatest moment: Seriously, the whole thing. This video is amazing. But my favorite happens at 2:28, when ‘lando seems to be thinking “Is that Eric Carmen I hear? I LOVE THAT SONG.”
4. Miley/Jake from Hannah Montana
Is love ever deeper or more painful than when it’s your first? And no song best expressed my own pre-teen feelings of longing quite like Roxette’s “Listen to Your Heart.” Aw, this is taking me right back to seventh grade, it’s kind of adora …
Wait a second, did she just say that cross-eyed blonde little man-twat’s name is JAKE RYAN? Well fuck you right back, Hannah Montana, you uncultured little twerp. There is only and will ever only be one Jake Ryan. And if you insist upon having two, may Long Duk Dong get wasted, fall out of a tree and violently assault this Jake Ryan as well. BONSAI!
Single greatest moment(s): Tie – 1:16 where Miley is dressed like a Portland hooker version of Joan Collins, and 2:12, the most fabulous flasher-in-a-trenchcoat moment ever.
3. The Doctor/Jenny from Doctor Who
Sure, whatever, YouTube user info bit. This is totally a video celebrating father-daughter love. Except David Tennant and Georgia Moffatt, the actors playing the Doctor and Jenny, are dating in real life. Which in and of itself is a bit creepy, but easy to ignore as she was only in one episode (and a not-very-good-one at that). But we don’t celebrate it with a video emphasizing the beauty of their familial love. We don’t do that for people who are engaging in fairly consistent P-in-the-V. Also, the song gives me hepatitis of the soul.
This is of course all colored by the fact that I have never been more jealous of any one human being than I am of Georgia Moffatt. Bitch.
Single greatest moment: 0:57, when Donna says, “It’s alright, just hold still,” while putting her hand to Jenny’s chest, and it looks as thought the video is about to take a very different turn.
2. Gibbs/Abby from NCIS
People who know what the Internet is watch NCIS?
1. Kirk/Spock from Star Trek
A Fine Frenzy + Shatner + Nimoy = the epic pulling of one’s heartstrings. A simple entry of “kirk spock love” into the YouTube search bar brought up 116 results. Who knew that every time Kirk was bedding some alien-strange that Spock’s poor little Vulcan heart was just breaking. When it comes to this video, I am unsettled only by this new revelation making the end of The Wrath of Khan, the first movie to ever make me cry as a child, now completely unbearable.
Single greatest moment: 2:10, when Spock (more like N-emo-y, amirite?) joyfully nearly kisses Kirk. Tender moments.
Now all of that said, that video is not the Number One choice. It’s just the spoonful of sugar before the medicine goes down. This following video is the Number One most unsettling shipper vid, and it’s more than slightly Pat O’Brien-ny:
Insert your own “boldly going where no man has gone before” jokes wherever you want to put them, I won’t judge.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.