I do not understand fantasy football. It make about as much sense to me as Inland Empire and vastly less interesting. But I am to understand that it is absolutely fascinating and life-consuming for some of you. I am confused by your choices in hobby, but I admire your gusto and moxie. So I’ve decided to fix your broken system.
The biggest problem with fantasy football is that it involves football. I mean, technically it’s socially acceptable D&D make-believe for the cool kids. This is what makes it vastly uninteresting for those of us intrigued by neither football, nor D&D. What does intrigue me? Finding some way to make the new fall TV season interesting.
And here the twain shall meet.
Football = boring. Most of the new fall television offerings = boring. But if you combine them? Shit, man, it’s the best office pool ever. Let me explain.
Here’s how it works: Instead of owners, the participants are “producers.” Instead of football teams, the players are picked from the certain-to-be-shitcanned shows premiering this season. Each roster will include a lineup of characters. As the season progresses, you will earn points based on their actions.
Each roster is to include the following players:
Quarterback - The quarterback will be the lead in its program. This character will carry the show and is vastly important, but is by no means its most interesting piece (Jack Shepherd and Buffy Summers as examples, albeit on better shows). Points are earned each time this character is finally snapped out of the straight-man role and is sent into tears, screaming rage or violence against walls and/or tabletops.
Running Back - The running back will be the sidekick in its program, the comic relief. Points are earned for every ill-timed quip.
Wide Receiver - This character will steal the show right out from under the lead (Seth Cohen and Sheldon Cooper are examples, albeit on better shows). Points start being earned the instant the show becomes aware of this and drops all focus on the main character in favor of this magical person.
Tight End - The hilarious gay character. This character is in theory supposed to teach the fellow characters/middle American audience to accept gays as part of society, but will generally be the butt of lots of gay jokes. Lots.
Placekicker - Hot boring chick who does nothing.
Special Team - The wild card, Charlie Kelly-style.
Here’s my team:
QB - I’m gonna take the chick from Chase. No one is more prone to histrionics than female television leads in high-stress jobs trying to have it all. This is a lock.
RB - I’m taking Kurt Fuller from Better With You. Joanna Garcia is likeable enough, but she only picks projects that are so forgettable that I’ve actually forgotten the name of this show and I just typed it. But Kurt Fuller is always reliable. Not reliable enough for me to ever watch, but enough so that if I ever actually did lose my bearings and watch this, I’d probably enjoy him. He’s also great at adding that hint of weirdness to whatever he does. This will inevitably stand out in this slice of Sunbeam.
WR - Gerald McRaney on Undercovers, I’m callin’ it now. He will do so by getting his wife, Delta Burke, to guest star, making her the only person able to out-hot Gugu Mbatha-Raw, a.k.a., Martha Jones’s sister.
TE - The gay guy on $#*! My Dad Says, which is incidentally the hardest title to remember of them all, because that fucking number sign really throws me off. Shatner will make countless gay jokes. The tuning-in-early-to-Two-And-A-Half-Men crowd will not be laughing at him.
PK - All of them. This is a pretty open spot.
ST - The show Twist of Kate, an entire show devoted to Kate Gosselin reading fan mail. This pick will gain me points by causing the other producers to take leisurely baths with their respective toasters and clock radios, leaving me the ultimate winner. Score!
The game that I’ve described above is stupid and really convoluted and basically impossible. But it still makes more sense to me than actual fantasy football.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at firstname.lastname@example.org.