Wednesday I am going to turn the great elderly and decrepit age of thirty. My forehead shows the creases of time. My tits are already saggy. My energy levels are sustained only through a strict coffee regime. To commemorate the occasion, I created a bucket list of activities I will not longer be able to do based entirely on the air of adulthood and the weight of responsibility.
I started with roller coasters. I hadn’t been to Six Flags in about a decade. Once you start drinking, having sex and driving, the thrill of a high speed predetermined ride loses its appeal. I wanted to do experience it one last time before I develop a heart condition or back problems. I rode them like a champ. The slight nausea of a roller coaster had an interesting effect – the world started to spin, but not quite near the complete spinning room effect of a good night of binge drinking. It actually made me want to buy a beer so I could get to that full effect, but thankfully I’m old and wise enough to not spend $12 on a water-downed domestic in a plastic cup.
The next action to complete on my bucket list was a giant ridiculous tattoo that I can expect to regret entirely one day. I went with a full-colored squid and whale tattoo on my left shoulder. I hope to one day use it to attract the likes of a sailor or a pirate longing for a sign of the sea while docked on land. The significance of the symbol for me is relative in that I need a reminder to not waste my life in an eternal conflict of hate and anger with evenly-matched opponents. It symbolizes not becoming a monster when you fight monsters. But who knows if this would hold significance in a decade or two? It will be my symbol of youth and an homage to my generation.
The remainder of the list consisted of blowing my savings account on frivolous things. A day in which I called out of work just to go to the zoo. Sleeping on someone’s couch. A week in which I ate only chocolate cake for dinner just because I could. And taking a lover for the sole purpose of being able to say “I’ve taken a lover.”
Bam! I’m an adult now. “When I was a child, I spoke as a child, I understood as a child, I thought as a child: but when I became a man, I put away childish things.” 1 Corinthians 13:11. (Savor that moment. It will be the one and only time I quote the Bible in anything.)
So now that I’m an adult there is no greater thing I can imagine an adult doing then giving unsolicited advice to the young crowd. So here goes:
1) Be a terrible person for a while.
Be self-centered and stupid. Do it now while you still have the veil of youth and immaturity. I’ve had the most amazing drunken decade, resulting in the kind of life that allows me to tell amazing stories which people sometimes find hard to believe. I can only imagine that when I die it will all come together at my funeral like the ending of Big Fish. I even once went on a date with a circus clown. Grow up with your arms swinging. Make mistakes. Take beautiful meaningless lovers who break your heart. (Use condoms.) See the world and sleep on couches. Blow a paycheck or two. Learn what it is to experience everything. If you reach this age without knowing what pain, guilt, love, hate, regret feel like and how to say fuck it, you missed it.
You wasted your only chance to learn what consequences feel like for yourself before the great cage of responsibility and accountability takes over your life forever. Do it until the idea of doing it makes you groan or cringe. That means you evolved. This is what you want because nothing is really sadder then that one creepy old guy at a show or a bar still trying to be young. Or the old woman with wrinkles who still shops in the juniors department clinging to a youthful aesthetic trying attract men for attention. You’ll have actually grown up instead of pretending for so long that one day you wake up and realize your an adult and have yourself a midlife crisis buying a motorcycle or having an affair trying to gain what you missed.
2) Do not get married before the age of 30.
Think back to the idiot you were ten years ago. Or five years ago. Or three. If you reach the age of thirty and you don’t think you’re a completely different person you once were then you’re still a moron. Get that checked out. Put down the Jagermeister and maybe read a book or learn something. Would the person you are now really want someone who settled for who you were? You should be so much better now. Before you swear the rest of your life and half your money to someone else, maybe you should figure out who you are first. Learn how to take care of yourself because you can’t really expect to take care of someone else without that knowledge. Be with someone because you want to be and not because you need to be for survival. Give yourself some time to become responsible before you try the biggest responsibility towards another person you can take. You don’t have to stay single, but just wait to see who the man or woman you turn out to be is first after you’ve lived a little. Maybe the divorce rate wouldn’t be so high if people didn’t become trapped in a vow with a complete stranger who looks like someone you used to know.
3) Have the self confidence yourself to not give a goddamn fuck what other people think.
I am more vain at this age then I have ever been. I spent 26 dollars the other day on shampoo because I wanted to invest in me. Dressing nice or fixing my face represents how I feel to the world. You reach a point your quest for adulthood where you don’t care about the people who give you attention. Who has your attention becomes a far more interesting concept. The little physical flaws or differences you agonized over in youth mean little as you realize those who care about those things mean little. If I look good now, it’s because I feel good. I don’t want the world to see me as a frumpy disheveled mess because that isn’t indicative of who I am or who I want to be and I have the self confidence now to feel like I can pull it off. My opinion is the only one that matters.
4) Appreciate your parent’s music.
My mother used to play Jethro Tull’s “Auqualung” every time she cleaned when I was growing up and to this day it still makes me smell bleach. If you miss out on great bands like The Faces, David Bowie or Howlin Wolf you deserve all those “You don’t understand! Weezer used to be awesome! Listen!” arguments you will surely get one day from your kids. And also if you don’t like The Beatles, you shouldn’t reproduce. Even the communists and the fascists loved The Beatles you idiot.
5) Eat your fucking vegetables already.
I still have two days left. Maybe I can quickly tag a wall somewhere or take a road trip before I start looking at Life Insurance Policies and investing in fiber supplements.
Nicole Alexandria is off doing cool things like a boss that you probably never heard of while not giving a single fuck all day every day. You can contact her through Facebook.