Dear Mr. [LAST NAME REDACTED],
My name is Tony. I am a writer and filmmaker from Pennsylvania and I have a problem that I’m hoping you can solve. I was four Grey Goose and Cranberry’s into a shitty three hour cable edit of Se7en this past Saturday afternoon when my phone rang. I knew that answering the call was going to ruin [21-YEAR-OLD SPOILER ALERT] the jump scare when the starved guy that Mills and Somerset thought was dead starts flailing around and freaks out everyone,[/END SPOILER ALERT] but, I’ve been expecting an important call so I made the sacrifice. Well, Brad Pitt made the sacrifice; he’s gonna need those TV residual checks to offset a metric-fuck-ton of child support soon.
Anyway, guess who was on the other end of the line? If you guessed one of the overseas call centers that you pimp, you are correct sir! Yep, it was one of your operations that send jobs to another continent instead of putting thousands of people without advanced educations here in the good old USA to work. The kind that are always in the news.
It’s the 10th such call that I’ve received in less than a month, offering to lower my credit card interest (you can’t, it’s 0%). The first time, I hung up before the robo-voice was finished. During calls two through eight, I tried to use the automated “get me off your damn list” system, but when call nine came in I decided to work my way to a human and ask him/her to take my name off of the list. He said, “okay”, hung up, and I thought that would be the end of it.
So you can see, [FIRST NAME REDACTED], why I may have been a little hot under the collar when I stumbled to my cell and saw [CITY REDACTED], [STATE REDACTED] on my caller ID. It’s not an excuse for my rudeness to your call center employee, or subcontractor, or underpaid working poor person – whatever the proper term is – but it is the reason that the call went something like this …
OVERSEAS CALLCENTER GUY: Hello, this is [OBVIOUSLY FAKE AMERICAN NAME. NOT REDACTED, I was just too pissed to commit it to memory], to who am I speaking?
ME: I want my name off of the list, now.
OCG: Sir, do you know why I’m calling you?
ME: Yes, and you can’t help me. My current credit card interest rate is 0%, take my name off of the list.
OCG: If you let me explain our …
ME: TAKE MY FUCKING NAME OFF OF YOUR MOTHERFUCKING LIST RIGHT NOW!
OCG: I can’t do that …
ME: YOU WILL OR MY NEXT CALL IS TO THE FEDERAL TRADE COMMISSION, MOTHERFUCKER; TAKE MY NAME OFF OF THE FUCKING LIST!
OCG: Asshole … (dead line).
So you see, [FIRST NAME REDACTED], not only was your operator, or CSR, or exploited low wage worker rude to me, too, but he clearly didn’t have the power to take my name off of the list. That’s why I decided to go over his head straight to the top. That would be you:
[FIRST NAME REDACTED] [LAST NAME REDACTED]
[STREET ADDRESS REDACTED]
[CITY REDACTED], [STATE REDACTED] [ZIP CODE REDACTED]
[PHONE NUMBER REDACTED]
[LINKEDIN PAGE REDACTED]
I couldn’t find a photo, so I found a police sketch artist and took a guess:
I’ve chosen to contact you through your Linkedin page (it seemed like the most direct avenue as the voicemail attached to your phone number is full) to let you know that this entire communication is also being published in a weekly column that I write for a pop culture website (with all of your personal information redacted for your privacy – ‘cause I love me some irony), and to make you an offer.
If you agree to stop the phone calls and prevent any more in the future, I agree to NOT do the following in Part 2 of this column:
- Release all of your personal info.
- Offer a $50 bounty to anyone that can produce VERIFIED email correspondence with you in which they ask you to stop calling me and you give them an answer.
- Offer a $100 bounty to anyone that can produce VERIFIED audio of themselves speaking with you on the phone, asking you why you won’t stop the calls and getting an AUDIBLE answer from you.
- Offer a $250 bounty to anyone that can produce VERIFIED cell phone video of themselves at your house asking you in person why you won’t stop the calls and getting an AUDIBLE, ON CAMERA answer from you.
- Have my wife, an attorney, put her friend, an attorney that specializes in litigation against the type of harassment that you call a business, on the case.
- Pack up my equipment, take a two week vacation from my job and commence production on my new documentary, “[FIRST NAME REDACTED] and Me: The Story of a Greedy Asshole Who Ships Jobs Overseas While Facilitating Phone Scams On The Working People of America.” This should play REALLY well in an election year. I can be on your doorstep with a camera first thing next Wednesday morning.
So, [FIRST NAME REDACTED], how about we both do the right thing and immediately cease and desist on the home invasions? You can make sure that there is no part 3 to this column by simply telling your people, or assets, or human scam machines – I’m not versed in the vernacular of your “industry” – to stop calling me.
I await your response.
Tony Marion is a writer and filmmaker who splits time between Lancaster, PA and Baltimore, MD. He lives for the work of Descendents (the band), Chuck Palahniuk and Rian Johnson. Check out the digital embodiment of procrastination he calls his website here.