Brian Murphy

[Editor's Note: To celebrate HoboTrashcan's five-year anniversary, we are bringing back five defunct site features for one week only. Check back every day this week to be overwhelmed with nostalgia.]

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the seventh-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – Okay, wait – your gameplan was to let Anquan Boldin walk away and then make Matt Leinart your starting quarterback? That’s your idea of putting your best foot forward?!? Come on, son. You’re not even trying.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons are coming off back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in franchise history. No pressure.

Baltimore Ravens – Purple camouflage.

Buffalo Bills – Ask the Maple Leafs the last time a team who willingly plays home games in Toronto won anything.

Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have one player worth a damn in their passing game – four-time Pro Bowler Steve Smith. How did he spend his offseason? Breaking his arm playing flag football.

Chicago Bears – Great idea putting Mike Martz and Jay Cutler together. I mean, these two have always been willing to set their egos aside when facing adversity, right? They’re definitely a match made in heaven.

Cincinnati Bengals – Stockpiling washed-up Dallas players who couldn’t win anything meaningful when they were Cowboys sounds like a great plan. What could go wrong?

Cleveland Browns – Because LeBron left.

Dallas Cowboys – Admit it, the thought of Jerry Jones watching two other teams play in the Super Bowl in his dream stadium is too awesome to cheer against. He’d cry after reading this, if his face was capable of showing emotions.

Denver Broncos – Everyone loves an athletic quarterback who can keep defenses guessing, right? Wrong. Mike Vick and Vince Young were better college players than Tim Tebow and how many Super Bowl have those two won?

Detroit Lions – The Lions’ hopes and dreams will come crashing down when Jahvid Best refuses to take the field against the Redskins in October because he’s still afraid of cornerback Kevin Barnes.

Green Bay Packers – The Packers gave up a league-high 51 sacks last season. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that their starting tackles are a combined 137 years old.

Houston Texans – Last season marked the first time in franchise history that the Texans finished a season with a winning record. Let’s give them a little more time before we rush to invite them to the grown-ups table, okay?

Indianapolis Colts – The sooner the Colts season is over, the sooner Peyton Manning can dedicate his time and energy to whoring out for any commercial Snoop Dogg isn’t available for.

Jacksonville Jaguars – For all we know, they might win it all. It’s not like anyone goes to Jaguars games or anything.

Kansas City Chiefs – I don’t care if Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis and Matt Cassel kidnap Tom Brady and force him at gunpoint to play for the Chiefs – that team isn’t finishing above .500 this season.

Miami Dolphins – Because LeBron showed up.

Minnesota Vikings – What aspect of Brad Childress’ coaching career is supposed to inspire confidence in Viking fans?

New England Patriots – I’ve asked this before and no one has a good answer for me – what exactly have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?

New Orleans Saints – Kim Kardashian gets with Reggie Bush. The Saints win. Khloe Kardashian gets with Lamar Odom. The Lakers win. Kim Kardashian dumps Reggie Bush. You see where this is going.

New York Giants – The Giants are stacked at running back and receiver. Too bad their quarterback is too dumb to remember his helmet when he takes the field.

New York Jets – After being dumped by the only team he’s ever know (the Chargers), LaDainian Tomlinson responded by getting the Jets logo tattooed on his calf. Not smart. We all know rebound relationships never last.

Oakland Raiders – Because Jason Campbell hates playing for a winner.

Philadelphia Eagles – Of course you have no need for the most successful quarterback in your franchise’s history. I mean, the guy only got you to the NFC championship game four times in a decade. Why keep him around? Nicely done, morons.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Ben Roethlisberger has openly tried to sabotage his playing career with a motorcycle and loose women, and still the Steelers do nothing. Next step? Cooking crystal meth in his basement.

San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.

San Francisco 49ers – Vernon Davis. Brian Westbrook. Michael Crabtree. Alex Smith. One of these things is not like the other.

Seattle Seahawks – Because Pete Carroll was so successful his first time coaching in the pros. Or his second time, for that matter.

St. Louis Rams – Forking over $78 million to an injury-prone rookie. What could go wrong?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Buccaneers are so irrelevant that they’re floating rumors about a possible trading for disgruntled defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth just to remind people Tampa still has a team.

Tennessee Titans – I honestly don’t think the Titans have much of a chance this season, but I’m not saying another word about them for fear that LeGarrette Blount takes a swing at me.

Washington Redskins – Since 1992, the Redskins have never won a playoff game without Vinny Cerrato on the payroll.

Note to Self originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to August 2009. Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Similar Posts:

• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2008
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2007
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2009
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2005
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2006

Brian Murphy

[Editor's Note - Aaron R. Davis is playing with a basket full of adorable kittens, so please enjoy this special guest column from former HoboTrashcan writer Brian Murphy.]

The Olympics were great for the sport of hockey. Canada and Team USA put on an instant classic that immediately became the lasting memory from Vancouver and, as a result, more Americans tuned in for the gold medal game that damn near any other program on TV in recent history.

Since the closing ceremony, I’ve heard countless blowhards postulate that this is a great thing for the National Hockey League. The story goes that casual sports fans have been drawn back in, so now hockey is once again relevant. Because, you know, the sport was nonexistent just a few years ago thanks to a lockout that cancelled the 2004-05 season.

With all the buzz, it’s only a matter of time before ESPN remembers to work the NHL back into their highlight rotation. I mean, wouldn’t you rather see American heartthrob Ryan Miller stand on his head rather than be subjected to a 14th NBA highlight during a 30-minute sportscast?

Well, here’s the funny thing. We don’t want you. There. I said it. Hockey doesn’t need you. The sport is just fine without you. Besides, the game you’ve been draw to isn’t really what we’re about anyways. What you watched during the Olympics was glorified pond hockey.

Automatic icing? For pansies. No fighting? No thank you. No commercial breaks? When am I supposed to get another beer?

That’s not how the NHL works. Real American hockey polices itself. If I so much as touch your best player – even if it’s a legal play – or look at him cross-eyed, you’re required to retaliate. You know it and I know it. As soon as I brush past your superstar, you are required by martial law to drop everything, take a run at me and start throwing haymakers. Them’s the rules.

The people who think it’s barbaric and that there’s no place in our culture for mindless violence are the same hypocrites that order UFC pay-per-views every month and have season tickets for their favorite football team. People get carried off on a stretcher a helluva lot more often in the NFL than in hockey, but that’s a sport that can do no wrong. Baseball is a bunch of cheaters, so football has now become the new American past time.

So when a middle linebacker leads with his helmet and ends up a vegetable, well, we look the other way. Football players know the dangers of the sport. If they’re willing to risk paralysis for $30 million guaranteed, then fuck ‘em. That’s what he gets for choosing a big pay day over staying with the team that drafted him. What ever happened to loyalty anyway?

But hockey can’t have fighting because they have sticks and an assortment of other weapons. I mean, didn’t some pyscho named Chris Simon step on someone a few years ago with the blade of his skate? Clearly this sport is cockfighting … well … if cockfighting involved stepping on your opponent with a razor blade. John McCain would shit himself if someone actually televised this stuff.

And besides, hockey is a niche sport. It’s for Canadians and those pretentious pricks who use to love that band you just discovered – right up until you discovered them. It’s impossible to follow on TV (probably because no real network airs it), even though it looks really spectacular in high definition.

And there are too many teams. I mean, Florida is where old people go to die. Not to watch Panthers battle Lightning. Maybe if half the league was comprised of Canadian teams and the other half was made up of American cities that are worthy of professional sports, then we could get all xenophobic and cheer for our country and shit.

But until that day, just pass on hockey. Stick to watching the NFL combine. Because, you know, football isn’t played in pads. It’s played in ‘tighty whities.’ It doesn’t matter if that kid getting paid under the table to attend your favorite college dropped every pivotal pass thrown his way. He can run really, really fast in a straight line with a radar gun pointed at his ass, so the Raiders are definitely going to trade up to steal him in round one. Mel Kiper’s hair just told me, so it’s gotta be true.

Throw in a few insightful comments from Deion Sanders and what more could a sports fan ask for? I mean, not only does he tell you about a player, but Deion tells you how that player reminds him of him. Sure, it starts out as a Darren Sproles highlight, but then ‘Prime Time’ finishes it with a story about the time he picked off Jake Plummer to singlehandedly secure Jerry Jones another victory. That’s what happens when you go against America’s Team.

Hockey’s for losers and fat chicks. And everyone knows they only follow the sport because they can hide in a baggy sweater. Do a sit-up and buy a Kobe jersey.

No one cares about hockey. The best player is a guy named Sidney. Half the hockey fans out there hate him. Probably because he lives in his boss’ basement.

Maybe you used to like that Ovechkin guy because he reminded you of Lawrence Taylor on skates, but then he got too full of himself. Everyone loved his hit on Jaromir Jagr, but what about the one he put on that little girl who was recording him in a Vancouver hotel lobby? Michael Wilbon said she suffered bruised ribs or something. Dude should be thrown in jail like his name is Ben Roethlisberger.

So who needs hockey? Nothing personal, it’s just not America’s thing. You and your Canadian counterparts can enjoy it along with your indie-rock bullshit; America will stick with King James. LeBron has his own black Muppet, so you know he’s the real deal.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy.

Similar Posts:

• Note to Self – How to fix the NHL
• Overrated – Olympic spirit
• Note to Self – The Bong Show
• Note to Self – Alex the Great
• Note to Self – That’s how you do it

Brian Murphy

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the six-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – I don’t care if he bagged groceries for Jesus Christ himself, Kurt Warner will not stay healthy for the entire 2009 season.

Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and friends snuck up on the league a year ago. You’ve got a better chance of spotting a pair of underwear on one of The Real Housewives of Atlanta than seeing the Falcons surprise the rest of the league a second time.

Baltimore Ravens – Other than The Wire, name something noteworthy to ever come out of Baltimore. And you’re not allowed to say herpes.

Buffalo Bills – The career of Terrell Owens is amazingly easy to break down. All you need is a quality quarterback and T.O., and he’s good for two things – elevating your offense to new heights while simultaneously driving your QB crazy. Buffalo brings an intriguing variable – they don’t have an NFL-caliber quarterback. What happens now?

Carolina Panthers – The last time we saw Jake Delhomme, he completed 22 out of 34 passes he threw. Unfortunately for Carolina, five of those completions were to Arizona defenders. Unfortunately for 2009 Panther fans, Delhomme is still your starting QB.

Chicago Bears – Great idea acquiring Jay Cutler. If only someone in the front office thought to bring in a capable receiver or two to go with him.

Cincinnati Bengals – It can’t be good when Chad Ochocinco has been a better teammate over the last year as a back-up kicker than he ever was as a receiver.

Cleveland Browns – If the Brownies had acquired Mike Vick, folks would have at least tuned in to see what happened the first time he came anywhere near the Dawg Pound.

Dallas Cowboys – Only in Dallas can you build a billion-dollar stadium with an illegal video board.

Denver Broncos – At least Jay Cutler kept things interesting.

Detroit Lions – Detroit Lions, banana peel. Banana peel, Detroit Lions. I know you’ve worked together for years, but I don’t think you’re ever been formally introduced.

Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre.

Houston Texans – Because the good Houston team now plays in Tennessee.

Indianapolis Colts – What has the world come to when Marvin Harrison is waiving a gun around?

Jacksonville Jaguars – Maurice Jones-Drew is a great all-around back, but someone has to give him a breather from time to time. With Fred Taylor (and groin) now in New England, who fills the void?

Kansas City Chiefs – Dear Matt Cassel, Dwayne Bowe and Bobby Engram are not Randy Moss and Wes Welker. But what do you care? You got paid.

Miami Dolphins – Ronnie Brown is fragile. Ricky Williams is high.

Minnesota Vikings – Brett Favre.

New England Patriots – Honestly, what have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?

New Orleans Saints – Pierre Thomas is New Orleans feature back, and the French aren’t winners.

New York Giants – Eli Manning makes more money than Peyton Manning. Karma alone will keep the Giants from winning it until this egregious foul has been corrected.

New York Jets – Brett Favre.

Oakland Raiders – Because they’re the Raiders.

Philadelphia Eagles – PETA.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Big Ben gets sacked so often, even whores can bring him down.

San Diego Chargers – Last time I checked, Norv Turner was still the head coach. And last time he checked, Turner simply doesn’t win playoff games.

San Francisco 49ers – Wide out Michael Crabtree is holding out because, even though he was picked 10th overall in the NFL draft and Darrius Hayward-Bey was picked seventh, he feels he should make more money than DHB because he was “ranked higher on mock drafts.” Seriously, you can’t make this up.

Seattle Seahawks – Like grunge, Matt Hasselbeck was relevant a decade or so ago.

St. Louis Rams – Chris Long has his father Howie’s ruggedly-handsome looks. So at least he’ll have that going for him when his team is losing by double digits each week.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Luke McCown. Byron Leftwich. Josh Freeman. Josh Johnson. Four roster spots, and not a quarterback in the bunch.

Tennessee Titans – With Albert Haynesworth gone, who will be the man to step up … on a Dallas Cowboys’ face?

Washington Redskins – The downfall of the 2008 Washington Redskins was a substandard offensive line. So naturally, the team spent the offseason adding Albert Haynesworth, Brian Orakpo and DeAngelo Hall to a perennial top 10 defense and largely ignored the offensive line.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Similar Posts:

• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2010
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2008
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2007
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2006
• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2005

Brian Murphy

Brett Favre can blow me.

Seriously, I haven’t hated an old person this much since the last time Madonna opened her mouth.

Even though it’s been half a decade since Favre was actually a respectable quarterback, he’s back in the news now because – surprise, surprise – two weeks after he opted to “retire,” he changed his mind and is now a member of the Minnesota Vikings. I will never take issue with someone wanting to earn a living, but that doesn’t mean I want to see it and read about it every fucking time I turn on the television or go to a sports-related website.

Honestly, why in the world do ESPN, Sports Illustrated and any other agency that makes a living off of the world of sports feel the need to keep forcing this asshole on me? I haven’t been this pissed off since FOX decided Paris Hilton should have a TV show.

I mean, this shit is so tiresome that I actually found myself thinking, “Can’t we go back to talking about Michael Vick?” At least that whole story is interesting. No one knows how Vick in Philadelphia is going to play out, so I can understand folks wanting to invest their time and attention. But Favre in Minnesota? Nope. The only thing it’ll do is ensure the Vikings do not win a Super Bowl this year. Of course, before the dickhead in Wranglers showed up, they were content to go into the season with Sage Rosenfels and Tarvaris Jackson, so they already knew they wouldn’t be playing for a championship in 2009.

But for the benefit of anyone who has to encounter a delusional Vikings’ fan who somehow thinks this acquisition suddenly makes Minnesota relevant, well … you’re in for a treat. I’m so tired of Favre, I’d already done my homework. This guy is quite possibly the most overrated player in the NFL today, and I won’t even let someone start a sentence if I think they’re going to use his name in it. For that reason alone, I went ahead and compiled Favre’s statistics over the last four seasons.

From 2005-08, Favre completed 1,414 passes in 2,277 attempts for 15,393 yards, with 88 touchdowns and 84 interceptions.

To help make those numbers easy to digest, here’s what they average out to per season: 353 completions in 569 attempts for 3,848 yards, with 22 touchdowns and 21 interceptions.

His QB rating over the last four years is 79.5, which would have been around the 25th best in the NFL last season. I repeat, he would have been shittier than 24 other quarterbacks last year, and would have been in the neighborhood of Kyle Orton, JaMarcus Russell and Tyler Thigpen. So yeah, Favre’s triumphant arrival in Minnesota will help the Vikings on the field about as much as a Fred Smoot sex cruise. But other than that, they should be great.

Here’s what’s truly disappointing about the entire situation – the Vikings are one legitimate quarterback away from being an elite team.

They have the best running back in the game in Adrian Peterson. They also have one of the nastiest defenses in the NFL. All they’ve been missing is a QB, and sadly, they still don’t have one, even after paying Favre’s base salary of $12 million this season.

Last year, the Vikings were fifth in the NFL in rushing and sixth in defense. Their passing attack ranked 18th. Everyone knew this was the situation, but for some reason, they convinced themselves they could make it work. And then training camp and the preseason rolled around and management was reminded just how pitiful Rosenfels and Jackson are.

If only there was a QB out there who the Vikings could have acquired this past offseason. Oh wait … that’s right. There was. His name is Jay Cutler. He’s a top-tier quarterback who whined his way out of Denver and was traded to the Chicago Bears. He’s only 26 and, unlike Favre, is capable of making people other than John Madden take notice. But why would Minnesota want him? They’re in “win now” mode. No sense in getting a long-term solution to their QB woes. So, at the end of the day, not only did the Vikings fail to get Cutler, they let him go to a division rival. That sounds smart, doesn’t it?

I’d feel sorry for the dumb bastards, but honestly … I’m looking forward to the train wreck. Favre purposely stayed home to avoid training camp and already is on record as saying that even he doesn’t believe his soon-to-be 40-year-old body can hold up for an entire season. None of that mattered to the Vikings though. They had already talked themselves into doing it. So they stepped up to the table, rolled those dice and, sadly, are going to be blown away when they leave Vegas broke and confused. I can’t wait.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Similar Posts:

• Note to Self – No controversy
• Overrated – Updates

Brian Murphy

Honestly, when you really think about it, it had to be the Philadelphia Eagles who ended up signing controversial superstar Michael Vick, right?

I mean, they’re a team that typically wins more games than they lose, so Phily’s front office is hoping that a strong enough foundation is in place – starting with head coach Andy Reid – to handle the media circus and public relation distractions that come with acquiring a convicted felon.

And also, there’s a history here. Whether you’re an Eagles fan or not, you have to admit that this is an organization with more than a little bit of ego. When Terrell Owens was on his way out in San Francisco (while simultaneously jumping up and down telling Baltimore he wouldn’t play there), in came the Eagles to save the day.

Eagles’ management believes they can add ultra talented players with baggage, and that the franchise is capable of making it work. Their strategy looked great when T.O. was helping them get to the Super Bowl. Not so much when he was calling out Donavan F. McNabb a year later for puking in the huddle.

So yeah, teams like the Washington Redskins (greedy owner accused of building fantasy football teams), Dallas Cowboys (flamboyant owner who loves to thumb his nose at conventional thinking) and Oakland Raiders (senile old man who thinks he’s trying to get coach John Madden the last few pieces to a dynasty) might have been thrown around as possible destinations, but Philadelphia makes the most sense – well, if we’re talking on-the-field.

Off the field, that’s an entirely different conversation.

Upon hearing the news that Vick had landed in Philadelphia, one person close to me wrote a one liner that simply said:

“Good to know … and it comes as no surprise that the Eagles now hate Santa Claus AND puppies.”

Another friend said this:

“Andy Reid’s kids are in jail all the time, so at least they’ll all have something to talk about.”

You see, for better or for worse, Philly fans have a reputation for being assholes. One that fans in pretty much any other city in the country would say is well deserved. They’re passionate about their local teams – the Eagles, Phillies, Flyers (and sometimes even the 76ers), and they’re passionate about their alcohol consumption.

So, if it’s snowing and they aren’t happy, then it seems perfectly acceptable to the “fine” people of Philly to throw snowballs at a guy playing the part of Santa Claus during a halftime show. And if a rival’s player, such as Michael Irvin, is lying on the ground with what appears to be a serious injury, it’s perfectly okay to cheer about it.

Basically, Philly is known for three things – cheesesteaks, booing anyone and everyone and the jail located in the underbelly of their football stadium.

So here’s what’s going to happen – the first time McNabb throws an incomplete pass, Philly fans will call for a change at quarterback. The first time Vick sees the field, regardless of the circumstances, Eagles fans will cheer wildly. As long as the Eagles are winning, all will be wonderful.

And as an added bonus, if PETA protestors even think about setting up shop anywhere near Lincoln Financial Stadium, Eagles fans will welcome them like they do any other out-of-towners – with a brick through their windshield. (Okay, I’ve got to admit, that last part sounds awesome).

If I’m betting on how this plays out, I’m putting money on the Eagles devising ways to best utilize McNabb and Vick. They’re not going to have one be the starting quarterback and the other be the backup. No, they’ll try to figure out as many ways as possible to get them on the field together in an effort to really make opposing defenses work.

one – if the Redskins, 49ers and Raiders aren’t going to work, then where could/should Vick land?

I say this because McNabb has always been a guy who, while saying the right thing, comes across as overly sensitive. Last November, when Donavan was stinking up the joint against the Baltimore Ravens, he got benched. Nevermind the fact that the benching did exactly what Reid and friends hoped it would – namely light a fire under McNabb’s ass and remind him he’s one of the better QBs in football. No, even after the season was over, he still was asking for an explanation, as if he felt he was too good to ever come off the field. Does this guy sound like the ideal candidate to handle the biggest named quarterback on the free agent market coming to town?

So if the Eagles are smart, they assure Mr. Sensitive that his job is not in jeopardy. They tell him something along the lines of, “We’re trying to get you as many weapons as possible” and hope he’s on board. Because if not, the baggage and distractions that come with bringing Public Enemy #1 to town meshing with the ever-present McNabb drama/inferiority complex could easily blow up their entire season.

If nothing else this move guarantees one thing – the Eagles will be the team to watch whenever they take the field. Either they return to glory, or they become a car wreck we can’t turn away from. However this plays out, it’ll definitely be entertaining.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

Similar Posts:

• Note to self – Running the option with Vick
• Note to Self – It’s in the Cards
• Note to Self – Hungry like the wolf
• Note to Self – Ryan’s got Falcons flying
• Note to Self – No end in sight