Brian Murphy

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the eighth-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done this year.

Arizona Cardinals – For his career, Kevin Kolb is 3-4 with 11 touchdowns and 21 turnovers (14 interceptions and seven fumbles). In Arizona, that translates into a five-year, $63 million contract.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons have won 33 of 48 regular season games over the last three years, while going winless in the playoffs. They’re one more postseason collapse away from moving to San Jose and naming Joe Thornton captain.

Baltimore Ravens – I’m convinced Ricky Williams signed with the Ravens after watching The Wire. Don’t be shocked when he tries to move to Hamsterdam.

Buffalo Bills – I’m pretty sure it’s not a good sign when your team’s best player is your punter.

Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have paid out more than $100 million in signing bonuses this offseason because, any time you have the chance to overpay the core of a 2-14 team, you’ve gotta do it.

Chicago Bears – It’s probably not a good sign that Jay Cutler’s most consistent target during his time in Chicago has been DeAngelo Hall.

Cincinnati Bengals – With Carson Palmer and Chad Ochocinco gone, the Bengals don’t have five players on the roster casual fans can name. Sadly, they might not even have five players worth learning the names of.

Cleveland Browns – The one head coach in Ohio worth a damn took his sweater vest and went home.

Dallas Cowboys – Little known fact: Tony Romo and Candace Crawford were originally supposed to get married at the end of last year, but she demanded the date be moved to July because, as you know, Romo never shows up in December.

Denver Broncos – Broncos fans are so stupid, they actually chanted for Tim Tebow to be the team’s quarterback even though he’s not any good.

Detroit Lions – The Lions head into an NFL season with legitimate expectations for the first time since Barry Sanders carried the load in the Motor City. What could go wrong?

Green Bay Packers – During the team’s visit to the White House this offseason, Charles Woodson presented Barack Obama with a share of Packers stock, making the president a part owner of the storied franchise. Because, you know, he doesn’t already have enough to deal with.

Houston Texans – Let’s be honest – Matt Schaub, Andre Johnson and Arian Foster have won a lot more fantasy football games than actual football games during their time in Houston.

Indianapolis Colts – Peyton Manning is good and all, but I’m pretty sure even he needs a healthy neck to be effective.

Jacksonville Jaguars – NFL blackout rules prevent Jacksonville fans from reading this.

Kansas City Chiefs – It can’t be good when the biggest news out of Kansas City this preseason involves teammates Thomas Jones and Jonathan Baldwin coming to blows.

Miami Dolphins – Dolphins fans are so stupid, they actually chanted for Kyle Orton, even though he’s still a.) mediocre and b.) collecting paychecks in Denver.

Minnesota Vikings – If Donovan McNabb couldn’t get it done in Washington, what exactly is he supposed to accomplish in Minnesota with a legit running back, an improved offensive line and a head coach who doesn’t openly despise him?

New England Patriots – Put it this way: Tiger Woods has won a major more recently than Tom Brady and friends have won a playoff game. And he did it without Justin Bieber’s haircut.

New Orleans Saints – How many Super Bowls have the Saints won without Reggie Bush?

New York Giants – Word on the street says head coach Tom Coughlin has offered a job to former Giants running back Tiki Barber. I guess he’s tired of being the least liked guy in town.

New York Jets – Rumor has it newly acquired receiver Plaxico Burress is demanding the Jets utilize more of the shotgun. If Rex Ryan doesn’t get a handle on this situation quickly, he might be shooting himself in the foot for ever taking a chance on the convict.

Oakland Raiders – Each year owner Al Davis mandates that his front office drafts the player with the best 40-yard dash time, ensuring Oakland has the fastest four-win team in football.

Philadelphia Eagles – Even Eagles players know Philly can’t win the Super Bowl this year. Why else would they be openly comparing themselves to LeBron James and the Miami Heat?

Pittsburgh Steelers – Because Ben Roethlisberger makes Sidney Crosby seem almost likeable. Almost.

San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.

San Francisco 49ers – Frank Gore can’t stay healthy and Alex Smith can’t play football. Other than that, they’re good to go.

Seattle Seahawks – I’m going to go out on a limb and suggest that replacing Matt Hasselbeck with Tarvaris Jackson isn’t really an upgrade.

St. Louis Rams – Everyone knows NFC West teams can’t even finish a season with a record above .500.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – I’ll refrain from sharing my true feelings about the ‘11 Buccaneers because I don’t want to be the next white boy to get knocked the hell out by running back LeGarrett Blount.

Tennessee Titans – Jake Locker is great … as long as you’re looking for a quarterback with accuracy issues who isn’t very good at reading defenses.

Washington Redskins – Because the Redskins haven’t even won their own division since Bill Clinton last enjoyed a cigar in the Oval Office.

Note to Self originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to August 2009. Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2006

Brian Murphy

[Editor's Note: To celebrate HoboTrashcan's five-year anniversary, we are bringing back five defunct site features for one week only. Check back every day this week to be overwhelmed with nostalgia.]

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the seventh-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – Okay, wait – your gameplan was to let Anquan Boldin walk away and then make Matt Leinart your starting quarterback? That’s your idea of putting your best foot forward?!? Come on, son. You’re not even trying.

Atlanta Falcons – The Falcons are coming off back-to-back winning seasons for the first time in franchise history. No pressure.

Baltimore Ravens – Purple camouflage.

Buffalo Bills – Ask the Maple Leafs the last time a team who willingly plays home games in Toronto won anything.

Carolina Panthers – The Panthers have one player worth a damn in their passing game – four-time Pro Bowler Steve Smith. How did he spend his offseason? Breaking his arm playing flag football.

Chicago Bears – Great idea putting Mike Martz and Jay Cutler together. I mean, these two have always been willing to set their egos aside when facing adversity, right? They’re definitely a match made in heaven.

Cincinnati Bengals – Stockpiling washed-up Dallas players who couldn’t win anything meaningful when they were Cowboys sounds like a great plan. What could go wrong?

Cleveland Browns – Because LeBron left.

Dallas Cowboys – Admit it, the thought of Jerry Jones watching two other teams play in the Super Bowl in his dream stadium is too awesome to cheer against. He’d cry after reading this, if his face was capable of showing emotions.

Denver Broncos – Everyone loves an athletic quarterback who can keep defenses guessing, right? Wrong. Mike Vick and Vince Young were better college players than Tim Tebow and how many Super Bowl have those two won?

Detroit Lions – The Lions’ hopes and dreams will come crashing down when Jahvid Best refuses to take the field against the Redskins in October because he’s still afraid of cornerback Kevin Barnes.

Green Bay Packers – The Packers gave up a league-high 51 sacks last season. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that their starting tackles are a combined 137 years old.

Houston Texans – Last season marked the first time in franchise history that the Texans finished a season with a winning record. Let’s give them a little more time before we rush to invite them to the grown-ups table, okay?

Indianapolis Colts – The sooner the Colts season is over, the sooner Peyton Manning can dedicate his time and energy to whoring out for any commercial Snoop Dogg isn’t available for.

Jacksonville Jaguars – For all we know, they might win it all. It’s not like anyone goes to Jaguars games or anything.

Kansas City Chiefs – I don’t care if Romeo Crennel, Charlie Weis and Matt Cassel kidnap Tom Brady and force him at gunpoint to play for the Chiefs – that team isn’t finishing above .500 this season.

Miami Dolphins – Because LeBron showed up.

Minnesota Vikings – What aspect of Brad Childress’ coaching career is supposed to inspire confidence in Viking fans?

New England Patriots – I’ve asked this before and no one has a good answer for me – what exactly have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?

New Orleans Saints – Kim Kardashian gets with Reggie Bush. The Saints win. Khloe Kardashian gets with Lamar Odom. The Lakers win. Kim Kardashian dumps Reggie Bush. You see where this is going.

New York Giants – The Giants are stacked at running back and receiver. Too bad their quarterback is too dumb to remember his helmet when he takes the field.

New York Jets – After being dumped by the only team he’s ever know (the Chargers), LaDainian Tomlinson responded by getting the Jets logo tattooed on his calf. Not smart. We all know rebound relationships never last.

Oakland Raiders – Because Jason Campbell hates playing for a winner.

Philadelphia Eagles – Of course you have no need for the most successful quarterback in your franchise’s history. I mean, the guy only got you to the NFC championship game four times in a decade. Why keep him around? Nicely done, morons.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Ben Roethlisberger has openly tried to sabotage his playing career with a motorcycle and loose women, and still the Steelers do nothing. Next step? Cooking crystal meth in his basement.

San Diego Chargers – Norv Turner.

San Francisco 49ers – Vernon Davis. Brian Westbrook. Michael Crabtree. Alex Smith. One of these things is not like the other.

Seattle Seahawks – Because Pete Carroll was so successful his first time coaching in the pros. Or his second time, for that matter.

St. Louis Rams – Forking over $78 million to an injury-prone rookie. What could go wrong?

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – The Buccaneers are so irrelevant that they’re floating rumors about a possible trading for disgruntled defensive lineman Albert Haynesworth just to remind people Tampa still has a team.

Tennessee Titans – I honestly don’t think the Titans have much of a chance this season, but I’m not saying another word about them for fear that LeGarrette Blount takes a swing at me.

Washington Redskins – Since 1992, the Redskins have never won a playoff game without Vinny Cerrato on the payroll.

Note to Self originally ran on HoboTrashcan from August 2005 to August 2009. Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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• Note to Self – Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl 2005

Brian Murphy

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s time for the six-annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals – I don’t care if he bagged groceries for Jesus Christ himself, Kurt Warner will not stay healthy for the entire 2009 season.

Atlanta Falcons – Matt Ryan, Michael Turner and friends snuck up on the league a year ago. You’ve got a better chance of spotting a pair of underwear on one of The Real Housewives of Atlanta than seeing the Falcons surprise the rest of the league a second time.

Baltimore Ravens – Other than The Wire, name something noteworthy to ever come out of Baltimore. And you’re not allowed to say herpes.

Buffalo Bills – The career of Terrell Owens is amazingly easy to break down. All you need is a quality quarterback and T.O., and he’s good for two things – elevating your offense to new heights while simultaneously driving your QB crazy. Buffalo brings an intriguing variable – they don’t have an NFL-caliber quarterback. What happens now?

Carolina Panthers – The last time we saw Jake Delhomme, he completed 22 out of 34 passes he threw. Unfortunately for Carolina, five of those completions were to Arizona defenders. Unfortunately for 2009 Panther fans, Delhomme is still your starting QB.

Chicago Bears – Great idea acquiring Jay Cutler. If only someone in the front office thought to bring in a capable receiver or two to go with him.

Cincinnati Bengals – It can’t be good when Chad Ochocinco has been a better teammate over the last year as a back-up kicker than he ever was as a receiver.

Cleveland Browns – If the Brownies had acquired Mike Vick, folks would have at least tuned in to see what happened the first time he came anywhere near the Dawg Pound.

Dallas Cowboys – Only in Dallas can you build a billion-dollar stadium with an illegal video board.

Denver Broncos – At least Jay Cutler kept things interesting.

Detroit Lions – Detroit Lions, banana peel. Banana peel, Detroit Lions. I know you’ve worked together for years, but I don’t think you’re ever been formally introduced.

Green Bay Packers – Brett Favre.

Houston Texans – Because the good Houston team now plays in Tennessee.

Indianapolis Colts – What has the world come to when Marvin Harrison is waiving a gun around?

Jacksonville Jaguars – Maurice Jones-Drew is a great all-around back, but someone has to give him a breather from time to time. With Fred Taylor (and groin) now in New England, who fills the void?

Kansas City Chiefs – Dear Matt Cassel, Dwayne Bowe and Bobby Engram are not Randy Moss and Wes Welker. But what do you care? You got paid.

Miami Dolphins – Ronnie Brown is fragile. Ricky Williams is high.

Minnesota Vikings – Brett Favre.

New England Patriots – Honestly, what have the Patriots won since they got caught cheating and had to start playing by the same rules as the rest of the league?

New Orleans Saints – Pierre Thomas is New Orleans feature back, and the French aren’t winners.

New York Giants – Eli Manning makes more money than Peyton Manning. Karma alone will keep the Giants from winning it until this egregious foul has been corrected.

New York Jets – Brett Favre.

Oakland Raiders – Because they’re the Raiders.

Philadelphia Eagles – PETA.

Pittsburgh Steelers – Big Ben gets sacked so often, even whores can bring him down.

San Diego Chargers – Last time I checked, Norv Turner was still the head coach. And last time he checked, Turner simply doesn’t win playoff games.

San Francisco 49ers – Wide out Michael Crabtree is holding out because, even though he was picked 10th overall in the NFL draft and Darrius Hayward-Bey was picked seventh, he feels he should make more money than DHB because he was “ranked higher on mock drafts.” Seriously, you can’t make this up.

Seattle Seahawks – Like grunge, Matt Hasselbeck was relevant a decade or so ago.

St. Louis Rams – Chris Long has his father Howie’s ruggedly-handsome looks. So at least he’ll have that going for him when his team is losing by double digits each week.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers – Luke McCown. Byron Leftwich. Josh Freeman. Josh Johnson. Four roster spots, and not a quarterback in the bunch.

Tennessee Titans – With Albert Haynesworth gone, who will be the man to step up … on a Dallas Cowboys’ face?

Washington Redskins – The downfall of the 2008 Washington Redskins was a substandard offensive line. So naturally, the team spent the offseason adding Albert Haynesworth, Brian Orakpo and DeAngelo Hall to a perennial top 10 defense and largely ignored the offensive line.

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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Brian Murphy

Ladies and gentlemen, it’s that time again. With the preseason nearly complete, it’s time for the fifth annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. Book a flight to Las Vegas immediately and bet the farm – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done this year.

Arizona Cardinals - Matt Leinart can’t beat out Kurt Warner. Kurt Warner can’t beat anyone but Matt Leinart.

Atlanta Falcons - The Falcons named rookie quarterback Matt Ryan their starter, guaranteeing no more than five wins in 2008. Sadly, that would be an improvement over last year’s four-win effort. I’d say more, but I don’t want to sound like I’m picking on the autistic kid.

Baltimore Ravens - Is Kyle Boller still on the Ravens? Nuff’ said.

Buffalo Bills - Oh how tortured Bills fans long for the days of choking in the Super Bowl. Buffalo is going to be so disappointing this season that they’re openly trying to deport themselves to Canada.

Carolina Panthers - Nevermind wide out Steve Smith sucker-punching teammates during practice – how do you expect me to take your franchise seriously when you draft Jon Stewart to play running back?

Chicago Bears - Talk to me when Devin Hester learns to play quarterback too.

Cincinnati Bengals - Other than collect convicted felons, what exactly have the Cincinnati Bengals done well since head coach Marvin Lewis came to town?

Cleveland Browns - Because they’re the Browns.

Dallas Cowboys - Terrell Owens. Pacman Jones. Tank Johnson. It’s nothing short of hysterical that on a team full of assholes and screw-ups the biggest name keeping them from winning a playoff game is Jessica Simpson.

Denver Broncos - The Broncos are only one hit away from having their playoff fate rest in the hands of Patrick Ramsey.

Detroit Lions - Matt Millen.

Green Bay Packers - Forget about running the biggest name to ever play for Green Bay out of town. The Packers won’t win this year because Brett Favre is wearing their jersey on the cover of Madden ’09.

Houston Texans - Let’s see them post a winning record at least once in franchise history before we invite the Texans to join us at the grown-ups’ table.

Indianapolis Colts - Because let’s face it, Eli is the clutch Manning.

Jacksonville Jaguars - Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor-Groin are great for fantasy football, but with Jerry Porter recovering from a hamstring injury, Reggie Williams recovering from a knee problem and Matt Jones recovering from a coke problem there are still too many question marks on this offense.

Kansas City Chiefs - Herm Edwards might provide enjoyable quotes, but he’s not much of a head coach. And since “we play to win the game,” well … you can see where this is going.

Miami Dolphins - Thanks to a knee injury Ronnie Brown is damaged goods, which would be an upgrade to the status of Ricky Williams. Just one question for those Dolphins fans who want Ricky to be the starting running back – is he still living in a tent for eight dollars a day?

Minnesota Vikings - As division opponents and rivals, I know the Vikings see plenty of the Bears, but did they really have to try and follow the Chicago blueprint of building a great team with no quarterback to lead them?

New England Patriots - If the Patriots couldn’t get it done last year when they were 18-0, then there’s zero chance they can do it this year.

New Orleans Saints - Let’s be honest, Reggie Bush has done as much to contribute to the Saints as girlfriend Kim Kardashian has contributed to society.

New York Giants - Jeremy Shockey, Michael Strahan and Osi Umenyiora are out, leaving Eli Manning and … well … Eli Manning left to defend their championship.

New York Jets - Eric Mangini is 37. Brett Favre is 38. The last time a team had a head coach and quarterback the same age was Joe Gibbs and Mark Brunell. Ask Redskins fans how that worked out.

Oakland Raiders - If Javon Walker couldn’t break free from coverage in Las Vegas during the offseason, then there’s no chance the Raiders top offensive threat will get it done against NFL defenses.

Philadelphia Eagles - You know it’s bad when Mormons stop protesting HBO’s Big Love and start protesting your head coach and his dysfunctional family.

Pittsburgh Steelers - How is it mathematically possible for running back Willie Parker to rush for more than 1,300 yards last season and never actually find the endzone?

San Diego Chargers - Studies have shown that long-term steroid use can break down a body and increase the chance of injury. In an unrelated story, Chargers linebacker Shawne Merriman has two torn ligaments in his knee and has been told by doctors that he could suffer a career-ending injury if he attempts to play without having surgery.

San Francisco 49ers - Quarterback Alex Smith is a former number one overall pick who will make a reported $10 million this season to ride the bench as someone named J.T. O’Sullivan (with a career QB rating of 48.2) starts in his place.

Seattle Seahawks - Julius Jones was let go from Dallas after questions about his heart and commitment surfaced. So naturally, after Seattle let running back Shaun Alexander go for similar reasons, they swooped in and replaced him with Jones.

St. Louis Rams - Marc Bulger is old. Torry Holt is older. Steven Jackson is only 25, but he’s coming off of a series of injuries and a lengthy holdout. That means the Rams will be lucky to sniff .500.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - The Bucs currently have more than $28 million available in salary cap room. Why? Because this isn’t 2002 and no one wants to play there.

Tennessee Titans - Quarterback Vince Young and running back LenDale White might have gotten it done at the college level, but has either player truly shown he has what it takes to be one of the best at his position in the NFL?

Washington Redskins - What exactly did rookie head coach Jim Zorn show team management during those 15 days he was the team’s offensive coordinator? That NFL teams can score more than 14 points a game?

Brian Murphy is an award-winning sportswriter who also goes by the name Homer McFanboy. Contact him at murf@homermcfanboy.com.

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By Brian Murphy

After a painfully slow offseason (well, once you get past dog fighting scandals, steroid-using sluggers and crooked basketball officials), the NFL is back in the spotlight. With the preseason underway, it’s time for the fourth annual “Why your team won’t win the Super Bowl” column. So head to Las Vegas and put money on it – this is why your favorite football franchise won’t get it done one this year.

Arizona Cardinals - The running joke since I started this column has always been to automatically rule out whatever team Brenda Warner is associated with on principle. But with Matt Leinart firmly entrenched as the starter, we don’t have to worry about Brenda as much these days. Fortunately for us though, Leinart used to date Paris Hilton and it’s nearly impossible to throw touchdown passes when you have a burning sensation in your pants.

Atlanta Falcons - It seems like only yesterday that the Falcons biggest problem was that their team was built around a $130-million quarterback who couldn’t pass and liked to flick off the home crowd when he wasn’t busy getting in trouble for having shady water bottles in a Miami airport. Things look even worse for the Falcons with Ron Mexico unlikely to play this season because he let the dogs out. At least Atlanta still has highly-touted back-up Matt Schaub.

Baltimore Ravens - On days like this, I wish Orlando Brown was still a member of the Baltimore Ravens offensive. Then they’d have a one-eyed lineman, a one-legged running back (Willis McGahee), one legitimate receiving option (Todd Heap) and a quarterback one concussion away from living in a retirement community (Steve McNair).

Buffalo Bills - The Buffalo Bills didn’t want to spend money to keep stud running back Willis McGahee, but they were willing to give the Redskins fifth-best offensive lineman, guard Derrick Dockery, a $49-million contract. Does this sound like a team that has a clue?

Carolina Panthers - The folks in Carolina don’t think Jake Delhomme is the answer at quarterback, so they brought in David Carr as the back-up, ready to step in at the first sign of trouble. You know, because when you think proven playoff winner, you think of Carr.

Chicago Bears - Rex Grossman might have an 18-5 record as a starting quarterback, but he can’t get it done when it counts. Don’t believe me? Just ask any of the 92.3 million people who watched his two interceptions and two fumbles cost the Bears any shot of winning Super Bowl XLI.

Cincinnati Bengals - The Bengals have finished a season with a winning record just once since 1991. Let’s start with baby steps, like finishing a season with more wins than players arrested before we start dreaming of Super Bowls.

Cleveland Browns - While Jamal Lewis has made a career out of killing the Browns, he doesn’t do much against anyone else at this point. So I guess he’ll fit in with teammates Kellen Winslow and Braylon Edwards, who also fail to produce.

Dallas Cowboys - With Emmitt Smith, Keyshawn Johnson and Bill Parcells on the payroll, as well as Ed Werder living at Valley Ranch and a camera firmly planted on Terrell Owens 24/7, if you want to hear about the Dallas Cowboys, you can turn to ESPN. I just don’t give a shit about watching the son of a “Bum” (Wade Phillips) fail yet again.

Denver Broncos - Jay Cutler might be good, but the Broncos are just one hit away from resting their playoff hopes on Patrick Ramsey. Good luck with that.

Detroit Lions - Jon Kitna predicted at least 10 wins for Detroit in 2007. Either he’s talking about the Pistons or Kitna is under the impression that last season’s win total and the preseason carry over. Even then the Lions still might not have 10 wins.

Green Bay Packers - Retired quarterback Brett Favre never would have let the Packers get this shitty. Wait … he’s still there? Wow. Talk about awkward …

Houston Texans - Led by Reggie Bush, the Texans could be headed toward their best season in franchise history. Oops. Let me try again. Led by Vince Young, the Texans could be in line for the team’s first-ever playoff appearance. Dammit, I did it again.

Indianapolis Colts - The Colts finally won the big game, and even managed to defeat their arch-rival, the New England Patriots, in the process. So all is well with the Colts, right? Well, rumors are flying out of Indy that Peyton Manning is so desperate to one-up Tom Brady yet again that he’s offered to adopt Bridget Moynihan’s baby.

Jacksonville Jaguars - I know fantasy football participants like Maurice Jones-Drew and Fred Taylor-Groin, but there are too many questions concerning the Jags head coach and quarterback position to consider them legitimate contenders.

Kansas City Chiefs - The Chiefs have no real offensive line or wide receivers to speak of. Oh, and their best player, Larry Johnson, is threatening to sit out the entire season. That means, armed with only one offensive weapon, aging tight end Tony Gonzalez, the Chiefs are asking one of two nobody quarterbacks, either Damon Huard or Brodie Croyle, to perform nothing short of a miracle by finishing with even an 8-8 record.

Miami Dolphins - People wonder why Miami hasn’t had stability at the quarterback position since Dan Marino retired. Maybe it’s because the team’s front office continues to make boneheaded moves like passing over Drew Brees for has-beens like Daunte Culpepper and the artist-formerly-known-as Trent Green. I’m just sayin’.

Minnesota Vikings - Minnesota has the worst starting quarterback in the NFL in Tarvaris Jackson. If that’s not bad enough, their receiving corps is just as bad, if not worse. And with the departure of former defensive coordinator Mike Tomlin, who is now the head coach in Pittsburgh, one of the few strengths the Vikings had a year ago is in serious doubt. At least Minnesota still has Kevin Garnett.

New England Patriots - Randy Moss.

New Orleans Saints - Led by Drew Brees, Deuce McAllister and Reggie Bush, the Saints score more points than most NBA teams, which is good. But their defense can’t stop anybody, which is not so good.

New York Giants - Let me get this straight, you lose your best running back in franchise history (Tiki Barber) because he’d rather hang out with Matt Lauer on The Today Show, but you still have a young, bruising back named Brandon Jacobs waiting in the wings. All you need is a shifty, change-of-pace runner to help share the load and you’re good to go. So naturally you sign Reuben Droughns, an older and slower version of Jacobs. Real smart, fellas.

New York Jets - It’s never good when the biggest headline a team makes during the offseason is “our coach made a cameo on a TV show.” Sure, seeing Eric Mangini on The Sopranos was cool for Jets fans, but wouldn’t it have been better for the team if he stayed home and found a quarterback who didn’t throw the ball underhanded?

Oakland Raiders - After half a dozen or so people said “no thanks” to the Raiders high-maintenance owner Al Davis, he settled for 32-year-old Lane Kiffin as the new head coach. Kiffin couldn’t win a national championship in his two years as offensive coordinator of a stacked USC team, so why would things be any different with a pathetic Raiders squad?

Philadelphia Eagles - When your team is lead by Donovan McNabb and Brian Westbrook, you can count on one thing – having more talent on the injured list than anyone else in the league.

Pittsburgh Steelers - The Steelers are breaking in a new head coach for only the second time since 1969, so try not to expect the sun and the moon from first-year coach Mike Tomlin as he learns to win with a moron at quarterback.

San Diego Chargers - The Chargers couldn’t win with former Redskins head coach Marty Schottenheimer calling the shots, so now they’re giving another former Redskin, Norv Turner, a turn at the wheel. Whose next? Steve Spurrier?

San Francisco 49ers - The 49ers are the general public’s trendy pick this year. So I ask you, when has the general public ever gotten it right? Frank Gore already has a broken hand, Ashley Lelie is as soft as a rainbow and Darrell Jackson could end up with more seizures than touchdowns this season.

Seattle Seahawks - My, how times have changed. After his sister-in-law Elizabeth’s running feud with Rosie O’Donnell on The View, Matt isn’t even the most well-known Hasselbeck anymore.

St. Louis Rams - Running back Steven Jackson is the real deal, but the Rams defense is so pitiful that it makes the Saints defense look like the Steel Curtain.

Tampa Bay Buccaneers - It’s time for the training wheels to come off of the Cadillac now that Mike Alstott has retired. Considering Carnell Williams rushed for nearly 400 yards less last year than in his rookie season that might be easier said than done. At least Chris Simms still has his spleen.

Tennessee Titans - I keep hearing what a great leader Vince Young is … well, when he’s not throwing punches at teammates with his throwing hand or being suspended from preseason games for disobeying team rules. And I haven’t even mentioned that Young, the Titans’ most important player, is on the cover of Madden this year and will therefore suffer a catastrophic injury within the first month of the season. Other than that, things are great in Tennessee.

Washington Redskins - Sorry ‘Skins fans – it isn’t 1992. A gallon of gasoline isn’t $1.13, a gallon of milk isn’t $2.78 and Joe Gibbs isn’t leading Washington to another Super Bowl victory.

Brian Murphy is the 2005 Defense Department’s sportswriter of the year. And he still doesn’t know what the hell he’s talking about. Contact him at murf@the5holes.com.

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