The summer of suck

I wasn't really sure what to write my column about this week, then suddenly it hit me like helmetless quarterback riding a motorcycle on an expired learner's permit ...

Summer movies. I've mentioned before my growing frustration at the lack of good original ideas coming out of Hollywood these days, but I thought for this week's column, I would take a look at some of the big summer movies that are scheduled to be released and tell you why they are going to suck.

The Lake House. I don't even know where to begin this one. First of all, you have Keanu "Whoa!" Reeves and Sandra Bullock reuniting for the first time since Speed (was Dennis Hopper unavailable?). Second of all, it has Keanu Reeves in it. Plus, the premise of the movie sounds completely and utterly stupid. They both live at the same lake house two years apart and somehow magically exchange letters. Two years? That's it. Couldn't we have made it 20 years apart. I mean, if you are going to rip off the movie Frequency, at least do it well.

The Fast and the Furious: Tokyo Drift. How bad does a movie have to be for Vin Diesel and Paul Walker to pass on it?

Garfield: A Tale of Two Kitties. You hate Mondays and love lasagna. We get it. It's not funny. And every time I hear Bill Murray doing Garfield's voice, I die a little inside.

Nacho Libre. On the surface, this movie seems solid. It has the director from Napoleon Dynamite, the writer from School of Rock and a great idea (a Mexican priest has to secretly become a wrestler to raise money for an orphanage). Plus, it stars Jack Black, who makes everything he is in better. The problem is - wrestling never translates well to the big screen. If you don't believe me just check out Ready to Rumble or Hulk Hogan's entire movie career (Mr. Nanny, anyone?).

Click. It looks like a really great idea for a movie, but I've been burned by Adam Sandler too many times in the past (see Management, Anger).

Superman Returns. Judging from the shots of the new costume, I'm guessing they are taking things in a new direction and decided to just make Superman openly gay. Perhaps they just wanted to beat Batman to the punch (since DC Comics announced that they will be introducing a new, gay Batwoman). While the prospect of Clark Kent and Jimmy Olsen sneaking off to the copy room together definitely brings a whole new meaning to the phrase "Kneel before Zod," I just think the whole Brokeback Mountain thing is a little played out at this point.

Pirates of the Caribbean: Dead Man's Chest. It's a sequel to a movie based on a Disney ride. If that appeals to you, I hope something very bad happens to you and your family. Smart move getting Keith Richards though – they must have saved a ton of money on makeup since he already looks like he's dead.

Clerks II. Trying to wash off some of the stench of Jersey Girl, Kevin Smith dips back into the Jersey movies with this sequel to his first (and arguably best) film. It just seems like a bad move. The original was so good and I just can't figure out what they will do with this film. Besides, did I mention Smith's last film was Jersey Girl?

Miami Vice. I have to admit, the previews for this movie have looked pretty good, but it just seems to lack that cheesy 80s goodness that made the show so awesome.

Snakes on a Plane. While this movie is a comedic goldmine, the Internet will have long run the joke into the ground before the movie ever hits theaters. Motherfuckin' snakes!

Now, I do realize there is a slight chance I could be wrong and one of these movies could actually turn out to be good, but I still say save your eight bucks. After all, that's why God invented Netflix.

Random thought of the week:
It seems President Bush and I both have something in common - neither one of us ever pulls out.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.