Technology junkie

People always seem to be impressed by my computer skills, which always surprises me. In my own head, I'm really just a computer novice. Sure, I can navigate my way through any Microsoft program you put in front of me, I write html code from scratch using Notepad and I taught myself how to make Excel spreadsheets in a day, but my skills are nothing compared to what your average computer programmer, hacker or IT specialist is capable of. I'm just really comfortable in front of a computer screen.

I think it's probably because computers have been a part of my life since I was very young. I still remember how exciting it was when we got to play Oregon Trail in elementary school (except for all of those damn broken wagon wheels and the constant threat of death via dysentery).

I also remember the first time I ever went online. It was back in 1994, when I was in seventh grade. I spent the night over my friend Alan's house. He had America Online, which took forever to log on to with his dial-up modem. Alan and I went in to the lesbian chat room and pretended to be a lesbian girl hot on the prowl. My first chat room experience was a fun one, until I got home and my mom told me that all of the "lesbians" we chatted with were probably teenage boys like us. I was crushed.

At the time, being on the Internet seemed like such a big deal. That night at Alan's house, I signed up for my first email account. I created an account on Hotmail, an account, even though I didn't have Internet access at my house and no one else I knew besides Alan had email, so no one was really going to be sending me messages. But I desperately wanted an email account. It just seemed so cool

But 13 years later, the Internet no longer seems as magical as it did that night. I go online every day and I still check that same Hotmail account (but now I get tons of email, though most of it is spam). Usually, after a few hours of checking my email and checking out a few of my favorite sites, I get bored. When I was in seventh grade, the Internet seemed like a mysterious place filled with wonder and horny teenaged lesbians. Now, it's simply a part of my everyday life.

At this point, I couldn't imagine a world without computers or the Internet. When I worked in a public library, I often tried to imagine what it would have been like to work there before they had computers to catalogue all of the books. I couldn't even imagine what a pain in the ass it would have been to try to keep track of what books people checked in and checked out manually. Without computers, I would have slit my wrists with a bookmark.

It's amazing to me how these great technological advancements end up becoming mundane. Two years ago, I got an iPod. Now, I listen to it constantly. My girlfriend makes fun of me because I'll wear it around the apartment when I'm vacuuming or playing video games. Unfortunately, I think I might have played it too much. This morning, I tried to play a podcast on it, but I couldn't hear anything in my headphones. Apparently, I've worn my headphones out from rocking too hard. Until I can go buy another pair, it's going to be tough to go on without an iPod. It has become a part of me.

Luckily, I have a new gadget to distract me for the time being. We recently switched from cable to DirecTV and one of the boxes we got has a built-in DVR. The first day, I kept pausing live programs I was watching just because I could. Our DVR is set to record all new episodes of 24, Lost, The Sopranos and The Office, even though I watch all of these shows when they air every week. I'm also taping random things I wouldn't normally watch, like Batman: SubZero and Halfway Home. By the end of the week, I'll have more shows saved than I could watch in a whole month. Before we got this DVR, we didn't even have a VCR and things seemed to be just fine, but like a junkie in need of a new fix, I'm already hooked on this new piece of technology because, damn it, I should be able to watch the latest episode of Aqua Teen Hunger Force whenever I want.

Sometimes I wonder what would happen if someone shut down all of the computers and electronic equipment in the world like Snake Plissken did at the end of Escape from L.A. (yes, I'm the one guy in the world who actually made it all the way to the end of Escape from L.A.). What would happen if we suddenly had to live without the Internet, iPods, cell phones, DVRs and television?

We'd be back in the Stone Age. Or, at the very least, the world would probably resemble those games of Oregon Trail I played in elementary school. And, most likely, I would die of dysentery.

Random Thought of the Week:
Remind me to never miss a phone call from Alec Baldwin.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.