What fresh hell is this? Part Two: These stores suck

Everyone already knows how I feel about shopping for clothes in the mall. But I do like to shop for other things while I'm there. I frequent such stores as Hot Topic, Starbucks, Torrid, FYE and whatever passes for a bookstore/coffee shop combo where I can rest my tired feet with a notable tome and some caffeine, and sometimes a magazine or crossword puzzle. But sadly, I've been finding that good stores that actually carry items that I want to buy are getting shockingly scarce. More and more clothing stores for women, as mentioned in a previous rant, are giving way to what looks like a remnant shop for kids without boobs. These same stores seem to be swallowing up the spaces left by jewelry stores, good shoe stores, book stores and other adult oriented shops. (And no, I don't mean adult oriented in that pay-per-minute way.) And nowhere is this trend more evident than in your outlet mall, brought to you courtesy of the Mills Corporation.

Everyone in some regional area of the United States has been to a Mills mall. Actually, I've gotten that wrong. "Mall" would not be the right word for it. More like "megalopolis." I swear each store has it's own zip code. The two most notable Mills eyesores in my area are Potomac Mills in Dale City, Virginia and Arundel Mills in Hanover, Maryland. I've been to the Arundel behemoth quite a number of times, but I swear to you Potomac Mills is beyond gargantuan with over 1,600,000 square feet of places to waste your money. But, that's not to say that Arundel Mills is anything to sneeze at. At a little less than 300,000 square feet smaller than Potomac Hell, it boasts over 200 retail outlets, around 27 places to eat (not including Medieval Times, a medieval dinner theatre extravaganza complete with pewter eatery, jousting tournament and paper crowns) and a 24 screen movie theater decked out like the entrance to an Egyptian pyramid. This does not include what seems like the thousands of mallway kiosks, roving balloon salespeople and ever more eateries and retail establishments just outside the parking area. You would think that in this orgiastic oasis of consumer bliss I should be able to find at least one store I like. And I did. I actually have about three stores I like, but that's not what I'm going to talk about, because it's no fun hearing about what I like. Let me tell you about two stores that REALLY bug the shit out of me.

Victim No. 1: Bass Pro Shops Outdoor World.
My husband and I never call this shop by the name on its signage. To us, this store is the "Redneck-O-Rama." If you've never been in one, it's truly an eye opener. Where else can you go shopping in one place and find gear for fishing, hunting, camping, boating, cycling, trapping, skinning, cooking, freezing, hiking and canoeing? Did I miss an "-ing" somewhere? Probably did. They have so much shit in there, it's unbelievable. Not only are they every outdoorsman's wet dream as far as gear goes, they have huge displays of dead animals lovingly taxidermied for your viewing pleasure, as well as a huge live bass exhibit. It's always a treat to go stand near a bunch of pot-bellied men with scraggly beards, red flannel shirts and belt buckles the size of license plates talk about how they bagged a real beauty last spring, and it "done looked just like that there ‘un, it did." Nice. They also have what has got to be the world's largest collection of civilian camouflage in one place. You're lucky if you can get out of the store in a week without getting too lost. Good thing they have trail mix and dried food packets in the hiking section.

And just for the kiddies, they have all kinds of cool gifts, like stuffed animals (the plush kind, not the real kind), kid's clothing and tike-sized fishing, hiking and hunting gear. (Yes. Hunting gear for kids. Ted Nugent and Charlton Heston would be proud.) And for the ladies, they have outdoor themed kitchen accessories, like serving pieces, canisters and dishes, and even camouflaged lingerie and underwear. (Gotta get your husband's attention away from the bass exhibit somehow, you know?) And, to top it off, I even found a calendar where it proudly displayed gorgeous women in said cammo naughties and, get this, hip waders standing in streams with fishing poles - some even with fish. I happened to be looking at one of these pictures when a guy standing near me commented on the nice ass she had. Since she was facing the camera, I couldn't figure out how he could see her ass. Then I realized he was commenting on the fish on the end of her line, and that she had a nice "bass." Good thing my husband was able to quickly escort me out of the store before my laughter caused a public stoning.

Okay kiddies. Let us leave the Redneck-O-Rama behind us and venture on over to a store that would look like, on its face, my favorite store, but it really hides an ugly truth.

Victim No. 2: Books-A-Million
Again, my husband and I don't call this store by its given name. To us, this store is the Bibles-A-Million. I've never seen a book store in a mall, no matter the size of the mall, that had a larger Christian section of reading materials. And I'm talking everything from bibles to Christian self-help books to Christian fiction to all the little book covers and doodads for your bible. (I never did understand the concept of a bible book cover. Back in the day, they would wrap the naughty books in brown paper so you wouldn't embarrass yourself too much when doing a little light reading on the train to work. Is this the same thing?) Just a couple of weeks ago, there were more religious displays relating to Easter and all the shit they were trying to push on you that is Easter related. (Although, it did cause me a wee chuckle to notice they were using the very un-godly Easter bunny in a lot of their advertisements.) The obviously religious overtones of the store were nothing short of shocking to me. Upon realizing that the potential for a rant was high, I immediately began looking in the section termed "Religion" to see exactly what they had to offer by way of religion. And I found everything that I had listed above. But here is the shit kicker: I did not find one book relating to Buddhism, Islam, Hinduism or even the close cousin of Christianity: Judaism. Buddhism, Hinduism, Taoist and books by the Dalai Lama were all under the section of "Eastern Thought." Books pertaining to the Jewish faith were under "Judaica." I didn't see any books relating to Islam in anything that remotely resembled a dedicated religious category, but it was interesting to note that I did find books on the religion of Islam in the "Current Events" area of the bookstore sandwiched between books of Osama Bin Laden and the Iraq war. Being a neo-pagan, I was keenly interested to see where the books on Wicca and other such religions would be, if they even had them. I was happy to see that they weren't so close minded as to not carry them. They were grouped into a strange section called "Alternative Thought."

At least Border's has the taste to call these books "New Age" and I've even seen them listed under "Metaphysical," both of which make sense to me. But "Alternative Thought?" I don't quite know how to feel about that. I was happy to note that they had a tidy little collection of tarot cards (behind a locked case) and their selection of books, while quite disproportionate to the Christian books, did have the requisite titles that most people search for when newly researching this particular religion.

So, pushy bitch that I am, I decided to ask the prim lady at the informational counter why all the books on religion were not grouped in the "Religion" section of the store. (It bears noting that I saw nobody under the age of 35 working in this store, unlike most Border's or Barnes & Noble stores.) It was a question for informational purposes only, but you would have thought I asked her if I could see her nipples. She got visibly uncomfortable, and then asked me to wait while she called the manager. The manager came out looking rather miffed, and said pertly that I was being instigative and that if I didn't stop harassing his employees I would be asked to leave the store. WTF??? How was I harassing his employees? I'll grant you the instigative thing, but harassing? Now way. I was asking a relevant question as to why they decided the only books dealing with a religion that were actually filed in the "Religion" section of the store were books only dealing with Christianity and Christian thought.

Were they implying that books about other faiths weren't truly religions? What about their website? They have a page on their website called FaithPoint that exclusively sells – you guessed it – books related to Christianity and Christian thought. How can it be said that the belief I have does not constitute faith, or any of the other recognized major world religions for that matter? I made the determination right then and there this bookstore was never going to get my money ever again. It's not much of a loss. Their coffee bar sucked major ass anyway. That should have been my first clue that the store was a bomb.

So, where does this leave us? I don't know about you, but it leaves me angry, tired and severely lacking in caffeine. The upside to this is that the more stores that open up like these two and the other ones I hate, the less likely I am to spend all my money on a shopping spree. My husband should send these companies thank you cards.

Marie really is disturbed about the issue of the types of books commonly found in the "religious" sections of bookstores. She encourages you to send letters to the corporate offices of such bookstores gently reminding them that regardless of what the Bush Administration, Pat Robertson and other similar right wing nutjobs would have you believe, there are more religions than Christianity. She is also disturbed about the calendars of women in bikinis and hip waders. She can't stand to see fish objectified in that manner. Send your hate mail detailing how she is going to hell when she dies and how the NRA is going to help her get there faster to poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.