Holy hotcakes!

Several interesting items that are up for auction on eBay have been brought to my attention by friends that obviously believe I give a shit. Not that there aren't a million things on eBay that are more than questionable, it's just that I never thought about the concept of auctioning food.

Apparently, some yahoo decided he was going to auction off a pancake that had the image of Jesus on it. Bidding got into the several thousands of dollars before the auction was shut down after the chucklehead admitted that he had a griddle that imprinted the face of Jesus on his hotcakes. Then, he decided that he was going to auction the griddle. I didn't bother checking to see if anyone bought it. I'm still trying to figure where you would buy such a griddle, and why in the hell would you want to?

Well, thanks to this brilliant specimen of human-kind, others on eBay have jumped on the holy breakfast food bandwagon. A woman with too much time on her hands and a digital camera decided her blueberry pancake had a small image of Jesus on it. She even had a real, close up shot. It looked like smushed blueberry to me, but it's not like Jesus and I are on first name terms or anything, so maybe if he got a haircut and shave, and I suppose if I squinted really hard it could look like him. Maybe.

Then there was the meathead that found an imperfection on the bottom of the shell of an egg he got at the grocery store. It was supposed to be a relief image of the Madonna holding the baby Jesus. (And no, I don’t mean that sad I'm-over-40-and-I-still-wanna-be-cool-but-now-I'm-just-embarrassing Madonna. I mean the real one.) The thing is, it didn't look like anything remotely holy. It looked like a sperm, truth be told. And not to bring up any annoying "when does life really begin" debate, but I don't usually put "holy" and "sperm" in the same category, much less the same sentence. (Wait. I just did. My bad.)

And the fun doesn't stop there, kids! Apparently, another candidate for the Darwin awards is selling his Cheese Curls because when he poured out his afternoon snack onto a plate, he noticed that a couple of the Curls looked like letters. He dug through the rest of them and – hang onto your hats here, folks – he found five Curls that spell out the name Jesus. What's up with this guy? The first thing that should be a clue that this guy is crazier than a shithouse rat is the fact that he poured the Cheese Curls onto a plate before eating them! Who does that? Maybe my problem is I don't look at my food closely enough before I eat it. That could explain a few digestive problems I've had in the past.

So what's with all of this religiosity in our kitchens? The phenomenon isn't strictly limited to breakfast either. Grilled cheese sandwiches, ketchup on hamburgers, noodles and many other food items have somehow been bestowed with the icons of religion. My thing is, why is it that it's only the Christian symbols that end up on food? Is Buddha too good to be seen on anything other than the wrapper of my fortune cookie at my local Chinese restaurant? What about Mohammed? I don't see him making a statement in my hummus, no matter how much I swirl it. (But he has been seen in a few Danish cartoons. Maybe the Danish have an in with him. I'll have to check my sources.) Maybe it's because Christians need that wake up call of seeing their deity in their food. I mean, other than television, what else do Americans value more than a good ol' meal, the bigger the better? God can't be in the television, because that's obviously the tool of Satan. I mean, would God share the same airwaves as such smut as beer and tampon commercials, reality TV and Janet Jackson's breast? I think not. He's got more class than that.

So where does this leave us, my little snatchlings? Is the good Lord God actually appearing to people in their edibles? Or is our society really turning into the mindless, unimaginative clods I see around me every day in the HOV lanes going to work? Well, as they say, we report, you decide.

And, if anyone is offended about the Mohammed comment, please direct your responses to Joel Murphy. He’ll be happy to handle all your bloody riots himself.

Marie Hrnjak has never seen God or any of His incarnations in any food she's eaten. Ever. But, she is willing to entertain the idea that tequila will bring you closer to God, as she's usually praying for a quick death after a long night with said tequila, which is why she calls it Jesus Juice. Contact her at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.