Dude, where's my holiday?

As the month of October winds down, most people I know are getting ready for that most wonderful of holidays, Halloween. Personally, I like this holiday better than any of the other ones that are traditionally celebrated in the United States, with maybe the exception of New Year's Eve. With Halloween, what's not to like? For one night you get to dress up as a fun alter ego, party, get candy, and generally have a good time making merry. It's a lot less stressful than Christmas, and therefore infinitely more fun, even if you don't get a huge pile of presents for this holiday. And, if you're caught wearing a really ugly sweater, chances are you actually WANT to wear it because it's part of your carefully crafted "nerd" costume. I mean, who doesn't like to dress up in an outlandish outfit they wouldn't be caught dead in any other time of the year? The possibilities for fun at Halloween are endless.

During this time, retailers across the United States stock their shelves with everything Halloween and harvest related. You've seen the trappings. You can't walk into a store without seeing something Halloween related. But the thing that I have noticed is that in recent years, Halloween, harvest and Thanksgiving decorations and goodies seem to be losing more and more shelf space to one holiday: Christmas. And there is no bigger retailer guilty of this than Hallmark.

I'm not sure what Hallmark's deal is. I'm pretty sure that if it weren't for them, holidays like Valentine's Day would pretty much have gone unnoticed. But because of what I call the "Hallmark Factor" it is now a booming business where it is basically mandatory to buy copious amounts of chocolate and overly expensive flowers that will be dead in three days. In fact, Hallmark is probably responsible for holidays that never existed before their inception, like National Boss Day, Grandparent's Day, Sweetest Day, Friendship Day and Children's Day.

In walking through my local Hallmark store the other day to buy my husband that "perfect" birthday card, the first thing I saw when I walked in was the Halloween display. But that's all they had. Five tables right at the front of the store with all the shit you need to outfit your house for this holiday. But as soon as you actually walk inside the store, you are bombarded with more Christmas crap than you could ever want. They have displayed on a good 50 percent of their shelves their boxed Christmas cards, wrapping paper, individual cards, decorations, small gifts and everyone's favorite: the Hallmark Christmas Ornament Collection.

The trend to start shoving Christmas down our throats has been starting earlier and earlier each year. And frankly, I'm a bit tired of it. I remember a long time ago that you didn't even hear a Christmas carol or see anything decorated in red and white until after Thanksgiving. But not anymore. I swear I started seeing all the Christmas tchotches popping up right around the beginning of October. I know that Christmas is when the retailers make their real money. But seriously, the longer I have to hear "It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year" while fighting angry bargain hunters for that perfect gift for someone I don't even like the less I feel like even celebrating the holiday. By the time November rolls around, I'm ready for Christmas to be over. It's definitely a case of overkill, and it's a real shame.

I'm convinced Hallmark is to blame for it. I guess their sales records on Christmas crap has been doing so well over the years that other retailers can't ignore the commercial prospects of guilting the public into spending more and more money earlier and earlier in the year in order to satisfy some shithead in your family that really wouldn't be getting a present if you had anything to do with it. I wouldn't be surprised if in the next five years we start seeing the Christmas push from retailers starting in the spring. I can just see the advertisements now: "Use your tax refund for these wonderful Christmas gifts your whole family is sure to love!" It's crazy. Every year I just barely finish paying off the credit cards that bought all the shit from last year when I have to turn around and do it again. It's a never ending cycle of spending, and you can't get out of it because if you don't buy something for your Aunt Matilda and her six children you're forced to visit this year, then you will be the black sheep of the family. But will that stop them from inviting you again next year? Don't count on it.

It's not that I don't like Christmas. I love it. It's a wonderful time of the year, mall shopping and fruitcake notwithstanding. It really is a time when families can finally come together and enjoy each other's company, and be reminded why we don't spend more time with each other during the rest of the year. And the food is almost as good as what you get at Thanksgiving. But what I want is time to enjoy these winter holidays one at a time. I don't want the Christmas Season to begin in the fall, thereby overshadowing two other relevant and fun holidays. I want October for Halloween, November for Thanksgiving and December for Christmas, with the last day reserved for that drunkfest known as New Year's Eve. Is that too much to ask for?

People will still spend stupid amounts of money on absolutely worthless shit regardless of whether or not they start shopping in May or a week before Christmas. In fact, if retailers were smart, they would actually do their Christmas push the week of Christmas and not a day earlier. Everyone knows that when you're in that much of a hurry, you don't care how much that thing costs. Just give it to me so that I can get this worthless fuck crossed off my shopping list and go on with my life.

If my hunch is correct, Christmas will soon get to a place where there really isn't any joy in the holiday at all. After a while, we'll all become immune to the Christmas spirit, because it won't be about brotherhood and love and peace on earth and Baby Jesus and all that other shit they try to tell you it's about. What's it's really all about is retail sales figures, the bottom line, the one time that a retailer operates totally in the black. I'm afraid that it will become so overexposed that it will eventually become completely irrelevant and will exist outside the radar of the majority of the American people, kinda like the never ending "War on Terror."

So, this Halloween, go out there and dress up and get all the candy and apples and cider you can get your hands on. Because maybe someday Halloween and Thanksgiving will cease to be important as they get swallowed up by the Christmas Season.

If you're already doing your Christmas shopping, Marie likes to receive gift cards from Hot Topic, Best Buy and Starbucks. You can ask her for other ideas by writing her at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.

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