You opened it

Hello, my name is Marie and I suffer from the guilt of not forwarding 50 billion fucking chain letters sent to me by people who actually believe that if you send them on, a poor six-year-old girl in Arkansas with a breast on her forehead will be able to raise enough money to have it removed before her redneck parents sell her to a traveling freak show. At least, I think its guilt that I'm feeling. I'm not sure. More likely, I'm just feeling like an idiot for opening the damn mail in the first place.

Nothing makes me madder than people's stupidity. Ignorance I can tolerate. It's not someone's fault if they aren't educated about certain areas of life and the world in general. I mean, can you hold a person at fault because they cannot reconcile Einstein's theory of relativity? Not many people in the world can actually do that, and that's okay. But when you're so stupid that if breathing weren't a reflex you would be dead, that I can't deal with at all.

There are those people that honestly believe Bill Gates is going to give them, and everyone to whom they send "his" email, $1000. My mind is boggled at the fact that out of 100,000,000 sperm that was the one that won the race. Makes me wonder about how pathetic the loser sperms were. It's bad enough that there are people are stupid enough to say, "Ooooh, looky here! If I scroll down this page and make a wish, I'll get laid by an underwear model I just happen to run into the next day!" It just gets worse when they decide to send me and all their other "friends" that same lame-ass e-mail.

What a bunch of bullshit. Maybe the evil chain letter leprechauns will come into my house and sodomize me in my sleep for not continuing a chain letter that was started by Peter in 5 AD and brought to this country by midget pilgrims on the Mayflower. But I like to live on the edge, so to the leprechauns I say, "Fuck you," and just hit the delete button.

Here is a new rule I would like to implement for all my forward-happy friends: If you're going to forward something, at least send me something mildly amusing or something with pictures of hot men. I've seen all the "send this to 10 of your closest friends, and this poor, wretched excuse for a human being will somehow receive a nickel from some omniscient being" forwards about 90 times a day. I don't fucking care. Show a little intelligence and think about what you're actually contributing to by sending out these forwards. Chances are, it's your own unpopularity.

And just who is the idiot fuckbag with too much time on their hands that is responsible for generating these e-mails in the first place? Usually the e-mail string is so long that it's impossible to tell who sent the original e-mail. But it had to originate somewhere, right? Is it really Mother Umbabalomaki, High Priestess of Voodoo from the swamps of Louisiana that is jinxing all our lives with her damned e-mails? Because if not, then that should be proof enough for all the dimwits out there that the e-mail is a hoax, as if an e-mail that promises a ghost will appear exactly at 2:37AM exactly one week to the day that you opened the e-mail and will slice your throat and impregnate your hamster if you don't forward the e-mail to at least 25 people within the next 10.64 seconds wasn't enough of a clue. I mean, really. Do people that pathetically stupid actually have 25 friends?

So do me a favor. If you get some chain letter that's threatening to leave you shagless or luckless for the rest of your life, delete it. If it's funny, entertaining or educational, send it on. Don't piss people off by making them feel guilty about a leper in Botswana with no teeth who has been tied to the ass of a dead elephant for 27 years and whose only salvation is the five cents per letter he'll receive if you forward this email.

Now forward this to everyone you know and send me 15 bucks. Otherwise, tomorrow morning your underwear will turn carnivorous and will consume your genitals.

Have a nice day.

Marie is absolutely serious about the carnivorous underwear thing. She knows someone who knows someone who has a friend who knows a guy that had it happen to him. So you'd better write to her at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com to get her address so you can send her that $15, thereby breaking the horrible curse.

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