Supporting the troops

Disclaimer: The views expressed in this column are solely those of Ned Bitters and do not necessarily reflect the views of HoboTrashcan.

This week's inductee into the "Overrated Hall of Fame" is ... supporting the troops.

I've never really understood what message people are trying to send with those ubiquitous yellow magnets I see on every other SUV and minivan: "I support the troops." I have some theories though. If you are one those uber-patriotic Americans who shows your extreme love of country with a yellow car magnet, perhaps I can pinpoint what you are really trying to say with your $1.99 declaration of toughness, resolve and troop loyalty.

Maybe "I support the troops" means that you really just support war or George W. Bush or trans-oceanic violence against people with skin darker than yours, or all three. If that's the case, please just state that on your little magnet so I know exactly where you stand. Then I'll no longer be puzzled as to the magnet's meaning. I'll have no doubt that you are an idiot, and I support your right to be one. However, I won't be slapping a magnet on my car that says such.

Maybe "I support the troops" announces that you believe in the sanitized, glamorous portrayal of war dished up by Hollywood. In war movies, the soldiers are valiant warriors who die glorious, almost pain-free deaths. They die quickly, sometimes instantly, and always dramatically. (Well, at least the stars do.) If they manage to hang on for a while after getting shot, they never cry and scream and curse God and country. No, before they expire, they deliver a stunningly eloquent final message of love or patriotism that must have taken a screenwriter three days to craft. But our fallen actor, with a softball-sized hole in his gut or a chest full of molten shrapnel, barely grimaces as he tells us, with perfect grammar and strong white teeth, that it's all worth it and that he loves his girl and his mom.

I've never been to war (I'm a pussy), but I know that's not how people die in war. I'm betting there is guttural screaming and feral cries and spitting and moaning and thrashing and seizing and spasming. Men piss and shit themselves and frantically grab onto the lucky unshot bastards who are tending to them, crying for help like a sick infant cries for his mother, and who can blame them. But we don't see that in movies or on the news. And of course, in movies the wars always have a clear outcome, with the good guys winning and the bad guys vanquished. You know, just like the black and white world Fox News presents every day, all day. And Fox News, as we all know, really supports those troops. Just check out the lapels on the anchors.

Perhaps "I support the troops" means you just like to send them unneeded care packages filled with shit they don't need. You and the other members of your church or PTA assuage your guilt over not actually going to war by dropping a few bucks at Sam's Club on some Snickers, Fritos and Doritos and sending them to our already too fat boys and girls in uniform, uniforms that are pushed to the breaking point by those ever-expanding waists. It always baffles me when I see well-meaning civilian morons stuffing war zone-bound boxes with junk food. The American Army is without a doubt the fattest army in the history of armed conflict. (You think I'm being harsh? Next time you watch the local news - probably Fox - and they show a planeload of returning troops at the airport, check out the size of these behemoths. That is, if you can spot them in that oh-so-deceptive brown camouflage.) Returning soldiers used to be grizzled, sinewy, rock-hard blocks of weariness. Now they plod out of the jetway like Stay Puff Marshmallow men with backpacks. They don't need chips and cookies, they need some exercise tapes and a few cases of SlimFast. But many Americans feel guilty at not having to make one sacrifice for this four-year, 3600 death war. Nothing has been rationed. Taxes have not been raised. There's no draft. So we send HoHos and feel a little less guilty.

Maybe your support for the troops is tied to your job. You might work for a company that has landed an obscenely bloated government contract, and you are making bountiful blood money and seeing your stock options go through the roof, sending you to a lucrative early retirement, at which time you can buy even more magnets for your Lincoln Towncar. If that's the case, your support of the troops makes perfect sense, as their blood and toil is making you some sweet bank. Just say that on your magnet, please. Your magnet could say, "I support a naive army of knuckleheads who bought the laughable horseshit shoveled out by recruiters and had no idea that they would be used - yet again - by a government whose sole interest in declaring war is helping huge corporations make huge profits with huge no-bid contracts.

Maybe you feel compelled to declare your support for the troops because you chose not to drag your sorry but able ass to fight in Iraq or Afghanistan, opting instead to drive your yellow-ribbon bedecked minivan to the mall every Saturday to buy more shit you don't need, followed by the inhalation of the fatfest sampler platter at Ruby Tuesday's, followed by the latest Ben Stiller dreck at the movieplex, where you'll buy the steam shovel-sized tub of popcorn and the sea-sized Diet Coke, and your gluttonous, troop-supporting fat ass won't even be able to wait until you get to your seat to start eating, and you'll do that disgusting move where you flick pieces of popcorn with your tongue as you look for seats and try to watch the previews, one of which is advertising an upcoming anti-war documentary that you'll dismiss as liberal horseshit, which is one more way that you think you are supporting the troops, by trashing dissent and anyone who wants to bring home your beloved troops, the troops you support so passionately as you live your insipid life of gross consumerism. And on your way home to your safe, warm house, you'll have the nerve to buy another magnet that says "We will hunt you down." We. Yeah, sure Audie Murphy.

The possibility exists that "I support the troops" means that you are under the delusion that the people who make up the troops are in some way special. Trust me, they are not. They are no better or worse than you, me, the guy who came to hook up your cable, the mailman or any other working American who made a free choice to do the job he or she is doing. The ground troops, the ones who do the actual fighting and dying, are just other average Americans who signed up for a job. Sure, they face the very real possibility of getting shot at or blown up, but they knew that when they signed the forms. These people aren't foregoing college scholarships or big money jobs while they do their Army stints. Many of them were aimless, directionless C students who didn't have a clue what to do after high school graduation, so they chose to put aside real adulthood for a few years by letting other adults with fancy ribbons on their shirts tell them what to do all day, every day. And that's fine.

I don't hate the troops, but I sure as shit don't idolize and lionize them. I wish them well and hope they all soon come home safely from this bullshit war, and that is pretty much the extent of my support, which is why I don't have a yellow magnet on my car.

Oh wait, I guess I do support them a little more than that, just like I support cops, firemen, teachers and a government bureaucracy that is more bloated than your average G.I. You see, I pay my fucking taxes.

Ned Bitters is, in fact, overrated. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.