Burn your sandals

Some things just don't make any sense: Aaron Sorkin's insistence on writing the same show with the same actors, just using new workplace settings. Those goofy earpiece things for cell phones. Men wearing sandals.

As the weather gets warm, I find myself obsessed with this flaw which plagues so many of my brethren. Sandals are for women. Men should not wear any shoes with straps.

I want to know where people got the idea that it was okay for men to start wearing sandals. Don't you remember the good old days when you could point at a guy in Birkenstocks and laugh at him?

Of course that was when there were just one or two of these massive music festivals. Now, these things are all over the place with three and four stages and dozens upon dozens of bands.

These musical festivals have a few things in common – drunk chicks showing you their tits and guys wearing sandals. I don't know if the ground is extra muddy at these events, but somehow they have lent credence to the idea that it's okay to wear sandals.

I think it's because a lot of guys who go to these events like to hike. And somehow, "hiking sandals" have become accepted footwear. Silly me, I thought hikers wore boots to keep themselves safe from snakes and rocks and Grateful Dead fans. But I only like to hike if it's indoors and involves a refrigerator, recliner and television set, so what do I know?

Apparently, these hiking guys needed to wear comfortable shoes when they weren't hiking, but were still being earthy, so they came up with the idea of "hiking sandals." I'm offended that they didn't do the same thing as normal people and run to the store to buy a pair of flip-flops.

Flip-flops are the male alternative to sandals. I don't care if women have co-opted them and turned them into acceptable footwear for work, flip-flops are still the thing for guys to wear when the weather gets warm. If only we could find a way to make them acceptable for us to wear to the office. But that's a different fight for a different day.

Right now we need to focus our energy on trying to stop men from wearing sandals. For the most part, people aren't wearing them with socks, so the fight isn't nearly as difficult as it could be. Thank God for small victories.

One of my friends told me he likes to wear sandals because he likes to go out to a casual restaurant, but knows the flip-flops aren't acceptable in that situation. Then he said that you shouldn't wear closed-toe shoes without socks.

What in the name of Jeff Spicoli is going on these days? Now I know Vans are not the most mature choice when looking for shoes to wear without socks, but the greatness of the Fast Times at Ridgemont High character should have clearly spelled out to people how sandals will never look good on guys.

Could you imagine Spicoli hitting himself on the head with a pair of Keva sandals with those goofy wraparound straps? Mr. Hand would have never let him cruise history if that were the case.

If you can't get away with Vans, a pair of boat shoes will work perfectly, especially with a pair of nice shorts. Whether you went to private school or have never picked up a lacrosse stick in your life, you can't go wrong with this look. I promise.

Besides, would you rather look like a guy who went to some expensive private school or a guy who hangs out at some all-day rock music festival where chicks like to show off their tits?

Wait, don't answer that question. Let's focus on the shoes, not the tits for a second.

There are many reasons that deck shoes totally kick ass over sandals. First of all, they don't look stupid. Second of all, they look classy. Third of all, you can just slip them on and slip them off. With sandals, you have to mess with straps and stuff. You know who else has to worry about straps and stuff on shoes? Women. Nuff said.

Summer has really just begun, so I hope people take heed and go buy some canvas or leather deck shoes along with some new flip-flops. Men have given up so many things that define them. Let's not let summer footwear join the list.

Now if we can just get America's grill manufacturers to understand that they need to install a cooler on every gas grill they make, things will be much better.

Brian Shea is probably enjoying a beer in his basement right now. You can contact him at columns@regularguycolumn.com.