Drunken politics

Wow, imagine my surprise when I woke up from a typical pre-St. Patty's Day party weekend and found that the weird wild world of politics had gotten even weirder. Between the Dubai ports deal, Republican straw polls, calls for censure and yet another buddy of Bush going to jail, I was sure that I must still be drunk. Actually, I was still drunk but this was way beyond anything I could have come up with in my most beer induced moments. So where to begin?

I decided that in honor of The Sopranos new season that the ports deal should kick off this little tirade. Basically the UAE owned company that was bidding for the right to operate a number of large ports in the U.S. came out and said that they understood the concerns of the American people and would therefore go ahead with the planned purchase but hand off control of the U.S. ports to an American entity. This is where The Sopranos come into the picture.

Let’s say that I was building an office complex in Jersey. On principle I decide that I am not going to give any money to Tony Soprano. Instead I hire the local Pipe Fitters Union. I get to go home and sleep well at night knowing that I did the right thing. Except that the local Pipe Fitters Union is owned and operated by The Mob. So in the end Tony Soprano still gets my money. Gee, doesn't that sound just the ignorant crap that "solved" the Dubai Ports deal?

The UAE still supports Hamas, refuses to acknowledge this little country called Israel and has regular business dealings with Syria and Iran. So the people of the U.S. decided they couldn't sleep well at night knowing such a country was involved in our port operations. Well, now they won't have to do the work and will still get $7 billion in U.S. funds. Sounds just like something David Chase would've come up with except that even Hollywood didn't believe it could pull off such an unrealistic plot line.

Something that did seem to come right out of Hollywood was the Republican straw poll that took place in Tennessee last week. About this time every four years the most conservative in the party get together to figure out who is going to get their support in the upcoming elections and basically talk about how the country is heading to hell because of abortion, gay marriage and high taxes. The whole thing is reminiscent of the BCS selection. See it doesn't actually prove anything to win the straw poll, as candidates from the south often bus in supporters and sway the vote. No surprise that Bill Frist, who is from Tennessee, won the straw poll. John McCain told all his delegates to write in the sitting President to show solidarity and Rudy wasn't even invited. The whole event is one of things that make me want to rethink being a registered Republican.

Of course, our third topic of the week is what keeps me from becoming a Democrat. Why in the hell is Russ Feingold wasting his time in the Senate calling for a censure of the President? First off, a censure is an official "You've been naughty notice." Second, Russ, you guys lost Congress a few years back and haven't even been able to get a continuing resolution to agree that water is good for you. I mean, in the entire history of the Republic, there has only been one other censure of a President. Hell, we've had more impeachments than that. There really is no need to censure the President. His own staff is doing enough on their own to make the guy look bad.

In the latest chapter of the guys that can't shoot straight (yeah, I'm gonna keep making those jokes), another of the Bush staff has made the news for less than flattering circumstances. A Presidential aide has been arrested for defrauding stores in the D.C. area. Now, look, I know that $500,000 isn't a lot in the capital region, but I think the saddest thing about this is he wasn't even trying to rip off the good stuff. He was stealing money from Target! Even I don't shop at Target! I mean Target is only slightly more upscale than Wal-Mart. Who steals from a store that has a robust lay-a-way plan? He could have at least knocked off one of those boutiques near Dupont Circle. At least then he could argue that he had some class. Of course, it would make sense that the most redneck guy in D.C. surrounds himself with people that feel comfortable at a Target.

With everything that went on while I was busy following around firefighters in kilts playing bagpipes and consuming massive amounts of malt-filled adult beverages, I'm almost considering skipping the actual St. Patrick's Day festivities. Maybe I can just go and give some money to The Mob, steal something from Costco, bitch about "moral" issues and threaten to tell all my enemies what bad people they are using an archaic and pointless process that was created when a man's honor mattered in this city. Of course, now that I think about it, all those things are exactly what make living here so much fun. Bottoms Up!

Brock Tanner is also an aspiring kept woman ... at least on the fifth Thursday of every month... for the right amount of money... inquires can be sent to brocktanner@hobotrashcan.com.