Board of Education proposals

I work in a district with strong central office leadership but a scarily conservative school board. Fortunately, their ultra-right wing leanings haven't really affected what goes on in our schools.

Yet.

In a recent closed-door brainstorming session, the board generated a list of "possible proposals for future consideration." They never intended for the list to be made public, but I guess one of the saner members of the board's less Falwellian minority figured this batch of insanity needed to get out before their proposals did indeed get serious consideration.

Most of their proposals were so ridiculous that teacher and community reaction skipped right over infuriating and moved right on to laughable. How bad were they? One board member actually suggested getting the Gideons to hand out free Bibles in the schools. Another suggestion had wording that addressed some of the controversial summer reading materials for honor students, claiming that the Board should offer input into the selection process because many parents may not have the "intellectual capacity" to make judgment calls about said books. One wanted to ban all reading materials that offered a "neutral view" of issues they considered sinful. Of course, there were also suggestions that the 10 Commandments and pictures of Jesus be allowed in classrooms.

In an effort to be a true team player, I have come up with an additional list of suggestions that our backward-assed, god-fearing, Bush-worshipping band of zealots might also want to put on the table for "future consideration."

1. Sex ed classes? One word: Missionary, missionary, missionary.

2. Replace all science texts with the underappreciated book used in many parts of the south: What's with All This ‘The World Is Round' Bullshit?

3. Remove all junk foods from the cafeteria and vending machines. Replace with more viable nutritious snacks, such as an endless supply of loaves an fishes.

4. Remove all smut-filled garbage from our reading lists and return to sex-free, violence-free classics such as Oedipus, Hamlet and Tess.

5. For those parents who lack the "intellectual capacity" to judge the content of the free Gideon's Bibles, offer pop-up versions, which do an even better job of depicting the resurrections. (Jesus vaults skyward on page 63 - it's awesome!)

6. All students named "Mary" and "Joseph" to be recognized by the Board each December.

7. Remove all texts that use the loathsome N-word and replace with books which offer more up-to-date racial labels, such as "colored" and "respectful negro."

8. Science teachers should teach unit questioning long held beliefs about existence of gravity. Do same for other so-called scientific facts that are not mentioned in the Bible.

9. In Health classes, the words penis and vagina are to be used only if preceded by the words, "Filthy ... FILTHY!"

10. To go with Jesus pictures and 10 Commandments being placed in classrooms, also encourage paintings of Ronald Reagan, Billy Graham and Mahatma Gandhi ... but try to find one where he doesn't look too dark, you know?

11. Remove all reading materials with a "neutral view" of pornography, fornication, adultery and the Democratic party.

12. To enhance their proposal that sexual abstinence be taught as the only option, Board members can visit health classes and share stories of their own virginal pre-marriage days and tell how they, too, have lived completely monogamous lives up to this point, since this is such a dandy idea that we have all practiced in our own lives.

13. Health teachers should stress that sex should be enjoyed only between a man and a woman who are married and preferably fully clothed. Teachers should emphasize that the woman should not enjoy the act.

14. Continue to promote tolerance for alternate lifestyles, such as those lived by those cocksucking sodomites who are destroying the moral fabric of this once-great nation, because we must teach these children tolerance! (And that goes for all the carpet-munching dykes, too.)

15. Four-day weekend in late January. Monday is Martin Luther King day, followed by George W. Bush Tuesday.

I hope my humble proposals will some day get future consideration. I also hope that the Board members understand that these are all tongue-in-cheek. I have to use that euphemism, because after reading their frightening, lengthy list, I'm not sure they have the intellectual capacity to understand words like sarcasm, parody and satire. And they might not be able to look them up, because I don't think the Gideon's distribute dictionaries.

Ned Bitters teaches high school and dreams of one day seeing one of his former students on stage at a strip club. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.