Snow day

Nothing demonstrates how pathetic teachers are more than the promise of snow days. Not only do we not have to work on the days that school is canceled, but we also figure out a way to avoid work in the week leading up to the storm. Or non-storm, if that's the case. Thanks to the hyperbolic ravings of sensationalistic weathermen, we are expert at using even the promise of snow to avoid any real work for an entire week. Allow me to provide a teacher's winter timeline:

Wednesday Evening: The local weatherman describes a weather pattern developing over Fiji that could "possibly-maybe-on the off chance" bring a once-in-a-millennium snowfall to our area by Monday evening of next week. He assures viewers that he will keep them informed about the track of this potential life-altering winter storm. Teachers nearly bring down the local Verizon network with frantic calls and emails alerting others of this potential godsend. Weather.com nearly crashes as teachers look for more information.

Thursday Morning/Afternoon: Despite last night's American Idol episode in which Simon Cowel actually shoots a contestant, the talk at school is of nothing but the possibility of snow days the following week. After-school prayer sessions are planned, as well as elaborate snow dances at the 50-yard line of the football field, led by the principal. Instruction comes to a halt as teachers stay glued to the Internet in an attempt to track this Pacific disturbance. Spirits continue to rise when they see that Honolulu has received a mild shower. Teachers begin to adjust lesson plans in an attempt to end units by Monday afternoon.

Thursday Evening: Local weatherman says that "It's still too early to tell" what might happen. He will use this cover-his-ass phrase repeatedly. However, he will focus on the worst-case scenario, which is that the area could be blanketed under three feet of snow in a 24-hour span. He warns that life as we know it could end. Babies and puppies will die. Several species of animal will become extinct. Steel girders will buckle. At the end of his segment, he whispers, in the pace of an auctioneer, that the storm could of course swing north and leave us with only a passing shower. Because, you know, "It's still too early to tell ..." Teachers ignore this disclaimer and plan Monday's trip to the store for bread, milk and toilet paper, because as everyone knows, snowstorm lore is filled with horrifying tales of snowbound families left without toilet paper, forcing them wipe their asses with their t-shirts, pets and bare hands. At least one would believe that from the lines at the Food Lion.

Friday: As the weather system brings fog and drizzle to parts of California, teachers begin telling students, "I was going to start (insert bullshit busywork unit here) today, but with the snow that might come next week, I better not, as I don't want to have a big break in the middle of it because you might forget the important key concepts I plan to teach. So, I have no choice but to show a movie today. You might not think it relates to anything we have done in class, but that's not so. We have read many stories that deal with interpersonal relationships, and you will find that Jim Carrey and Jeff Daniels do a superb job of capturing the nuances of a strained friendship in Dumb and Dumber. It's quite Kafka-esque, actually, and you will see that it also parallels Dostoyevsky's The Idiot in plot structure." Knowing students play along.

Saturday-Sunday: Teachers do not enjoy weekend, as weatherman continues his non-committal ratings booster dance, telling us what we could get, what we might get, what is possible ... but never what is probable. No planning or grading gets done. Instead, teachers burn acid holes in their stomachs at the thought of having to work a five-day week after being teased by that bitch-flirt of a weatherman, who informs us that the storm is cruising across the midwest, burying Oklahoma, Arkansas and Tennessee under many feet of snow. People in the east don't give two shits because it's the midwest. Weatherman assures us that the storm is headed our way … but it's "still too early to tell" for sure.

Monday: Tension is palpable. All local TV weather forecasters say that, if all the forces align properly, we will get this storm. Howeverrrrrrrrr, there is still a chance that it could go this way or that, leaving us with 45 degree temps and a steady rain. Women cry in the teachers' lounge. Men try to offer comfort, but they are too anxious to provide much solace. Lights dim throughout the building as schoolwide movie viewing saps power. Principal takes action and demands that custodians lower thermostats, not daring to ask frazzled teachers to cut off TVs.

As final bell dismisses students, teachers do one final Internet check of weather. The storm looks to be headed our way. Local bars are overrun with bad-tipping teachers. Bar televisions show frantic weathermen telling viewers to call loved ones, tie up loose ends, locate wills, make peace with their God and buy toilet paper. Snow will start around 2 a.m ... unless it doesn't. Teachers ignore last three words and continue drinking themselves blind and broke.

Tuesday, 5:00 a.m.: Teachers awake to soft sound of rain on roofs. Rivers of tears and much hair pulling ensue. Showering teachers fantasize about providing weatherman with slow painful death. TVs are turned on. Weatherman announces that Luckyville, just 70 miles to the north, has been obliterated by the storm. Eight feet of snow has buried the town, and school is canceled for three weeks. The governor has decreed that the snow days need not be made up in June. Weatherman smiles a perplexed smile and says that, heh heh, thankfully, Got-it-up-the-ass-again-burgh escaped the storm and got only mild rain instead. Hungover teachers eat Advil and head to school in tears.

Tuesday, 7:45 a.m.: Teachers tell students, "Because I thought we were going to be off today, I didn't get a chance to make all the copies I needed to make in order to teach you some important skill that will help you the rest of your life. So, instead, I am going to show you another movie. It really captures the nuances of interpersonal relationships, just like in the classic literature we've so enthusiastically read. However, this one is not so much Dostoyevsky as it is Chekhov. But that's only because Jim Carrey wasn't in Dumb and Dumberer."

Ned Bitters teaches high school and dreams of one day seeing one of his former students on stage at a strip club. You can contact him at teacherslounge@hobotrashcan.com.