Since today is already a day of love, I thought I would do my part to spread around a little hate. So consider this my noble effort to help maintain the cosmic balance of the universe.
And, as always, these are in no particular order …
Valentine’s Day. If you ask me, this holiday is nothing more than some lame excuse by the capitalist charlatans at Hallmark and Hershey’s Chocolate to line their corpulent pockets with even more cash by targeting the naive and ignorant! In other words – I’m single.
Cupid. What exactly is supposed to be romantic about a fat guy in a diaper that shoots people with arrows?
Banks. They have to be the biggest scam in the world. All banks do is find ways to take your money from you. They charge you ATM fees every time you want to get your money out, they charge penalties if you don’t keep enough of your money in the bank and they constantly find new and exciting ways to chip away at your hard earned cash bit by bit. Plus, their hours are never convenient for anyone with a regular job and they don’t even have the decency to be open on Sundays. Who do they think they are, Chick-fil-a? Tell me again why I shouldn’t just keep all my money under my mattress?
The guy who tries to pump out the crowd at sporting events. You’ve all seen this guy, I’m sure. He turns around and faces everyone else in his section, usually with beer in hand, and waives his arms up and down in hopes of getting everyone else to cheer. It must be some sort of alcohol-fueled douchebag need to feel important to the game. Unfortunately for him, most teams already have people ready to lead the crowd in cheering – they wear cute little outfits and wave around pom poms (and sometimes fool around with each other in the Banana Joe’s bathroom). So sit your drunk ass down.
Bowling. I find the game to be boring and repetitive and I hate having to put on a pair of shoes that hundreds of other sweaty people have worn. I am not any good at bowling, nor do I have a desire to be. Yet, every so often, people will try to make me go bowling by promising it will be fun and non-competitive. Of course, if I cave in and go, they get ultra-competitive and spend all night trying to give me pointers on improving my game.
How fast the whole SNL “Lazy Sunday” thing was driven into the ground.
Text messaging. I love technology. I absolutely can’t imagine life without my video iPod and I dream about owning Tivo. Plus, I’m online a lot – sending emails and chatting via IMs. But I absolutely can’t understand the appeal of text messaging. I took a typing class in high school so that I could learn how to use a keyboard effectively, so why would I want to waste my time typing the number two key three times on my phone just to write the letter “C”? Besides, I have a cell phone in my hand – why am I not just calling someone to communicate with them?
The Olympics. The last interesting thing to happen in the Winter Olympics was in 1980. Now, it would be a miracle if anything even remotely interesting happened.
The Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show.
Stamps. Why does the Post Office feel the need to continually raise the price of stamps in two or three cent increments? Just make stamps fifty cents already and leave it alone.
Good Charlotte. Not only are they from the same county as me, their lead singer has the same first name as me. But, outside of those two things, we have absolutely nothing in common. Their music sucks and their Joel is a whinny loser who tries to pick fights with anyone who badmouths his girlfriend, Hillary Duff. He even got his brother Benji to write a mean blog about Kelly Clarkson after she joked about a feud between her and Duff. Sort of ruins their rock street cred.
The way ABC promotes Lost. They have one of the most popular shows on television, so I’m not sure why ABC does everything in it’s power to piss off it’s fanbase. Their promos are either misleading (like when they made it seem like Jin spoke English, but the clip was really from a dream sequence) or give too much away (like when they kept hyping up that a cast member would die, pretty much telegraphing that it would be Shannon) and they stretched out last season as long as they possibly could, only running new episodes like once a month. I know you aren’t used to having a successful show, ABC, but stop trying to ruin it.
The movie companies. Everyone knows that box office numbers have been steadily dwindling year after year. The movie companies try to blame this on people pirating movies on the Internet. First of all, how many people do you know who actually stopped going to movies altogether and only watch films on their computers? The downloads take forever and the video quality is usually poor. The real reason people stopped going to movie theaters is because the movies suck. Stop making lame sequels and remakes of bad television shows and people will start going to the theater again. And some of them will probably sit behind me in the theater and talk the whole time. That shit always ends up happening to me.
Random thought of the week:
Have you ever seen an interview with Harrison Ford? The man was Indiana Jones and Han Solo in Star Wars, yet listening to him talk about his life and career is on par with watching paint dry. How is that possible?
Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at email@example.com.