Murphy’s Law – Things that piss me off

Joel Murphy

It’s a pretty great time of year. Football is back and my beloved Washington Redskins are currently 2-0. After a summer-long hiatus, primetime television is back to being good again (and I finally just watched the entire first season of Heroes on DVD and I’m really looking forward to season two). And, I have already preordered Halo 3 for my Xbox 360 and the online store I ordered if from guaranteed the game would arrive at my house next Tuesday, meaning I get the third installment of a game franchise I love on the day it comes out without having to stand in line with the great unwashed.

With everything going so well for me, you’d think I’d have nothing to complain about. But, if you know me at all, you know that’s not the case. So, this week I thought I’d do some venting so that I can truly enjoy all of the wonderful things I mentioned above. That means I’m dusting off an old favorite and sharing all of the things that piss me off …

(And, as always, these are in no particular order.)

Dane Cook. While Britney Spears meltdown has been well documented in the tabloids, it seems like no one is talking about what a train wreck Dane Cook’s career has become. First, he came out with a reality show on HBO that revealed what a truly insecure douchebag he is in real life. Then, allegations surfaced that he stole material from funnier comedians like Louis CK. Cook followed that up with a string of unfunny movies. But, the final nail in the coffin of Cook’s career came earlier this month when he released an emo song called “Forward,” which was unintentionally funnier than anything he’s done in years. He really needs to go away now before I start wishing a painful, violent death upon him that ends with him in hell being “superfingered” by Satan.

The fact that two cookies are considered a serving. Who only eats two cookies at a time?

Those Visa commercials where everyone is dancing and spinning around using their Visa cards, then someone ruins it all by paying for their purchase with cash. I don’t care how convenient your new credit card machines are Visa, if using your check card requires me to prance around like I’m in an Andrew Lloyd Webber play, I want no part of it.

Any time “some assembly is required.”

The complete lack of original ideas. In previous columns, I’ve mentioned my distaste for the excessive amounts of remakes and sequels Hollywood churns out, but it seems like the film studios aren’t the only ones running out of original ideas. Our society has gotten so unoriginal and boring that news stations had to bring back O.J. Simpson to fill their 24-hour news cycles. Much like the lame sequels Hollywood produces, “The State vs. O.J. Simpson, Part II” is bound to be a letdown. With Johnny Cochran dead, even if they can get the rest of the supporting cast to sign on for the second installment, there is no way they can recapture the magic of the first O.J. trial. Even the story isn’t as good – robbing guys at gunpoint to get your memorabilia back just isn’t as exciting as murdering two people. Perhaps cameos by Leslie Nielson and George Kennedy and a surprise ending on par with the shocking “Not guilty” verdict from the original trial will be enough to keep part two from being a complete letdown, but I don’t have high hopes. I think I’ll just wait and add the trial’s DVD to my Netflix queue.

Paper cuts.

The fact that Perez Hilton, TMZ and Chris Crocker all have TV deals.

The Rock’s movie choices. Admittedly, Hulk Hogan set the bar fairly low for wrestler turned actors by starring in movies like Mr. Nanny and Suburban Commando, but Governor Jesse Ventura raised that bar by uttering the classic “I ain’t got time to bleed” line in Predator. The Rock had a promising start to his career with films like The Rundown and Walking Tall, but he’s now starring in a career-killing Disney movie called The Game Plan. His career would have been fine if he followed the action star path blazed by Arnold Schwarzenegger and Sylvester Stalone, but instead it seems like Dwayne Johnson is getting his career advice from Vin Diesel.

Using public transportation … especially on Boston roads.

Plot inconsistencies in television shows. As much as I loved season one of Heroes, I’m still trying to figure out how Peter Petrelli got a scar across his face five years in the future when he has the ability to heal himself.

Jimmy Fallon.

The John Kerry taser incident. (If you haven’t heard about it, you can see the video here.) Watching that video makes me worry about the state of free speech in this country (if you think I’m overreacting, just ask Sally Field). And, John Kerry’s failure to do anything to stop the security guards from using excessive force on the college student just proves all of the critics who called Kerry spineless right. Some people have said that the kid deserved what he got because he is an asshole, but assholes still have the right to free speech too. That’s kind of the point of free speech. Of course, all of that being said, the part where the kid says “Don’t tase me, bro” makes me laugh out loud.

Random Thought of the Week:
Hayden Panettiere allegedly threatened to kill an Us magazine reporter because of a story on their website saying that Hayden broke up with her boyfriend. Maybe she assumes that if she gets the death penalty for first-degree murder, her body will just regenerate.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He loves pugs, hates Jimmy Fallon and has an irrational fear of robots. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.