Courtney Enlow |
I hate Katherine Heigl.
I know that there exists a certain redundancy in a blogger stating point blank that she hates Katherine Heigl, as it would seem that the Internet contains no one who likes her in the slightest (and it is things like this that reminds me just how small a community the Internet must be. I mean, people see Katherine Heigl movies, buy Katy Perry iTunes and watch The Bachelor and if they were on the Internet, you’d think they’d know better. Digression), but it’s true and I feel the need to say it now at the start.
Look, I’m not prejudice against people with bad taste. Some of my best friends watch Grey’s Anatomy, and that’s something we’ve worked through in our diversity seminars (a.k.a., fights about The Hills and Tucker Max). So her body of work plays little to no role in my hatred for her. I hate her because of one thing: she’s a colossal bitch from Planet Bitchface.
Before anyone starts on me, no, this is not an instance of “oh, she’s a woman who speaks her mind, so of course you think she’s a bitch.” God dammit I hate people that play that card because it’s so rarely the case, especially when a woman is presenting said case, so shut up and make me a sandwich, dame. And that is not a digression. It is in fact the kind of card Heigl herself plays constantly. Her brand of faux-feminism is the number one thing I hate most about her because she makes the rest of us look bad. And I’m not okay with that. Twat.
Heigl does speak her mind with no filter, and that would be all well and super if she wasn’t such an ungrateful asshat when she does it. She publicly derided Knocked Up for being misogynist, which means two things: 1) she didn’t see the movie, or else she’d have noticed that the obvious theme was that the female characters were the only ones with their shit together, and 2) she is a whore who performs in films she doesn’t believe in and cashes the check anyway. And no, I am not calling her a whore because she’s a woman. I’m calling her a whore because that’s the definition of whore.
After talking public shit about a movie that made her tons of money and gained her a ton of starpower, she then turned on the people who saved her from her lifelong title of “chick from that Gérard Depardieu incest movie”: the Grey’s writers. Last year, she released a statement withdrawing herself from Emmy consideration because, in her own super-assy words, she “did not feel that I was given the material this season to warrant an Emmy nomination and in an effort to maintain the integrity of the academy organization, I withdrew my name from contention. In addition, I did not want to potentially take away an opportunity from an actress who was given such materials.”
There’s a word for people who say things like that and completely turncoat on those who made them: ungrateful. (And bitch.)
Those who’ve seen her in interviews know that she says little else besides complaining about her husband or her show or the paparazzi or everything. She’s a wide awake nightmare. And at long last, the Internet is not the only place people know this. This past week, obviously realizing that my article on the same topic was pushed back a week due to a death in the family (* shakes fist at God *), Newsweek printed an article entitled “Why Is Katherine Heigl So Annoying?” that no less than 12 people Tweeted and Facebook-ed to me. This was the best thing ever, except due to a journalistic attempt to remain unbiased, they were somewhat complimentary.
I have no such journalistic integrity. So I’ll just reiterate “I hate Katherine Heigl” and move along from her assface to the actual topic of this article. Her assface new movie, The Ugly Truth. And you will soon understand why I felt the need to go on at length about my hatred for Katie H.
I hate The Ugly Truth far more than I hate Katherine Heigl.
I first saw its trailer before a showing of The Hangover. My boyfriend became the recipient of four very red nail-shaped indentations in his arm as we watched the screen. I wanted to walk out or throw up. I was unsure of which I needed to do first.
The trailer, for those of you who don’t exist because we’ve all seen it, is basically every parody of romantic comedies that has ever been described in every hacky stand-up act, or the plot of every fake movie that characters discuss during sitcoms. It literally does not look like a real movie. It’s what everyone who hates romantic comedies thinks that romantic comedies are like, but no such movie has ever existed, because no romantic comedy has ever actually been that terrible.
The plot is as follows: Heigl is a producer on a television show. She is uppity and prudish and romantically-challenged, because of course she is. Her new correspondent on said show, King Leonidas, is a schlubby chauvinist who has sex with lots of women, because of course he is and of course he does. So obviously she starts taking his horrifically offensive dating advice, and it works, and he falls in love with her, and she falls in love with someone else, and she fakes an orgasm at a restaurant, and he wins her heart, and he is changed and softened, and I drop a clock/radio into my nightly bubble bath.
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Seeing the trailer was not the worst thing that ever happened to me. Seeing the trailer before a screening of Public Enemies, however, was. Because unlike when I saw it before The Hangover, I could actually hear over the sound of blood boiling in my ears, and I heard laughter. I heard big, raucous laughter. My bloodlust on that day was strong and indefensible. And I knew that I must fight this real enemy. And that enemy’s name was Katherine Heigl.
So, Heigsy, I must call you out. You are watchable, pretty and up until you started ass-talking on a constant basis, your candor was appreciated. No more. Take your hypocritical fake-ass feminism and your completely contradictory film choices, and get out. You’re no longer wanted. In this current age where the Movie Star is dying, I’d rather watch a back to back showing of Megan Fox movies than watch you trample all over your “new Julia Roberts status.”
Do I wish my words could do what her co-star could not and chest-kick her into the proverbial pit? Of course. But I can’t do this alone. Let us stand together and fight this foe.
July 24. The Ugly Truth release date. The day laughter died. The day my soul died. The day any respect I had for Gerard Butler died. Never forget.
Courtney Enlow is a writer living in Chicago and working as a corporate shill to pay the bills. You can contact her at courtney@hobotrashcan.com.
Your hatred comes from being very misinformed about what she has actually said. For example, Knocked Up. She was asked if she felt the movie was sexist and portrayed women badly. She responded that she felt it was “a little sexist” and explained why. She also added that she hoped women would appreciate that all the characters were exaggerated and it was this exaggeration that formed the humor. She added numerous times it was the best filming experience of her career. Of course the tabloid headlines were “Knocked Up is sexist”, “Heigl is ungrateful”. Very unfairly in my opinion. With respect to the Emmy comments, they were again in response to a question as to why she did not submit for contention. Thousands of actors do not submit their work for submission each year for exactly the same reasons she stated. She was just honest enough to explain her reasons. What is hypocritical is the press had derided her storyline also season (saving a deer anyone?) and when she agreed with them – they slammed her. Being outspoken means she does have her haters who love to jump on any negativity. Also she has said more often than I can count how grateful she is for her opportunities. But you won’t print those or report on that because it is much easier to attack her and people aren’t interested in good press. Heigl is not the demon you make her out to be.
If sitcom writer Ken Levine’s blog is any indication, prepare for quite the comment storm when you say anything negative about Heigl: http://kenlevine.blogspot.com/2009/07/why-i-hate-katherine-heigl-again.html
Incidentally, to paraphrase Jordan from “Scrubs”, I don’t hate Heigl, I nothing her.
That’s right. I used a “Scrubs” quote to explain my indifference about a “Grey’s Anatomy” actress.
So, my mom saw this heaping, steaming pile of filth. She liked it. She tried to justify it by saying that it’s a Gerard Butler movie and not a Twatty McBitchface movie, but it’s a weak argument at best, because she didn’t even see 300.
*crosses fingers and hopes this ends up like Uwe Boll and Lowtax, just in some sort of pudding*
Kick her ass, Court!
I was going to Tweet you that story, but I knew you were wayyyy ahead of me. So, 13 instead of 12.
I’ve seen the trailer in front of a few movies, and it really is difficult to take. I have an EXTREMELY high tolerance for dull and predictable rom-coms, but The Ugly Truth takes it to a new level. How many of Katie Heigl’s exasperated sighs do they think we need to see to understand that she’s exasperated?! FOR GOD’S SAKE!
In conclusion, I wish Gerard Butler would swoop in in his Phantom costume, whisk her off to his underground water-laden catacombs, and LEAVE HER THERE FOREVER.
HA! I so agree with you. I don’t think she’s that good of an actress to have such a big head. I can’t stand her.
@Ellis – I’m pretty sure she is the demon that Courtney made her out to be. You’re just too rose-colored-Heigls to admit she’s a miserable c word.
Well, I don’t hate Katherine Heigl as I prefer outspoken people to those who will kiss anybody’s ass to get ahead in life.
She and Gerard Butler make a very believable couple on screen in The Ugly Truth which in spite of some crude language (if you can’t handle it, wear earplugs) prove to a certain point that opposites do attract, that sometimes the too perfect prince charming (Colin a.k.a. Eric Winter) can actually be just one more frog in a tuxedo whereas the seemingly obvious frog (or is it Gorilla here?) can actually be a prince charming in disguise. Butler is very touching when he stops long enough to be the obnoxious Mike to turn into the caring uncle to his nephew and to admit that there are a couple of very good reasons for him to be cynical about romance and relationships. No wonder the man treats women like dirt as I would too having lived what he lived. He does do the unthinkable though which is falling in love with the neurotic, prim and proper control-freak Abby just as she is instead of falling for the bimbo he made of her to help her win Colin. For that reason, I think people should give the movie a chance as all the men and women in the theatre when I was there all had a good laugh and seemed to have enjoyed it. Check out the sexy sensual salsa dance too. Not bad for a guy who couldn’t dance that before he started filming the movie.
Congradulations, Courtney. You have a plant (publicist) in your mist with the above post. Now you’ve really made it.
Awesome, totally agree with you about Ugly Truth.
Court,
I didn’t comment on last week’s article because it concerned my Dad and made me tear up just reading it.
With regards to this article I must say that you do get right to the point and say what’s on your mind. You and I have had discussions about Ms. Heigl and you know that I don’t mind her that much. She is cute and charming in the movies that I’ve seen her in and I think things she says are sometimes taken out of context and blown up to make a juicier story. I will admit that she is an outspoken woman who says what’s on her mind well before the common sense part of the brain has had a chance to filter what will come out. I feel sorry for people who choose the constant scrutiny of Hollywood life because they have to watch everything that they say and do because it will be a story. I don’t want you think that I don’t respect your opinion but I personally think that she’s ok.
Good Lord, lady. We get it. You didn’t like The Ugly Truth and you don’t like Katherine Heigl. Just because you don’t like Katherine Heigl’s acting or her movies doesn’t mean you should attack her personally. Calling her a “bitch” and “whore” is not a movie critique, it’s an immature rant about an actress you’ve never even met. If you’re attempting to be a movie critic, writing a hate-article about her personal life is not exactly the most professional approach. Who gives a shit if you don’t like her? How about instead of writing lengthy articles about how much of a bitchy whore she is, you just don’t watch her movies? Get a life and do something that actually has meaning besides writing hate-filled articles that are far from inspiring or thought provoking.
Hahaha! I sincerely doubt Miss Enlow was crossing her fingers that this would make her the next Roger Ebert. It’s not a serious critique analyzing the cinematic pros and cons of “The Ugly Truth,” IT’S HUMOR. Your critique of her article was much more serious than hers of the movie. If you don’t think it’s funny, instead of writing lengthy comments about it, why don’t you just not read it?