Positive Cynicism – Between two Rob Lowes

Aaron Davis

Aaron R. Davis

“Hi. I’m Rob Lowe, and I have DirecTV.”

“And I’m Super Creepy Rob Lowe, and I have cable.”

“With DirecTV, you get 99 percent signal reliability. It’s perfectly legal to claim this in a commercial without mentioning end user reception failures — which happen often during hard rainfalls and snowfalls — it just feels dishonest. Now that’s reliable.”

“My cable’s out, so I’m doing my best to be funny while not reminding the people watching this commercial that I made a sex tape with two girls, one of whom was 16, back in 1988.”

“I love that I can watch my shows and be worry-free.”

“And I love that the age of consent in Georgia is 16, as creepy Internet commenters will always rush to point out every time you mention my sex scandal, because if there’s one thing that you can always rely on with Internet commenters, it’s that they are surprisingly well-versed in various age of consent laws. If there’s a second thing you can always rely on with Internet commenters, it’s that they’re willing to get into long discussions about the actual definition of pedophilia, because in their hearts they want to sleep with teenagers and not feel guilty about it. Sure, Marcus Dwayne Dixon was convicted of statutory rape when he was 18 for having sex with his 15 year-old girlfriend in the same state, but those are the chances you take when you’re not a handsome white celebrity.”

“Don’t be like this me. Don’t derail your career with a scandal and then spend a decade rebuilding before finally ingratiating yourself to people again on television with an acclaimed role in The West Wing and a supporting role in the Austin Powers sequel.”

“Hey, pal, you could be a little more understanding, you know.”

“Switch to DirecTV, and — “

“Hey, ‘normal’ Rob Lowe, just because you won the genetic lottery doesn’t mean that you get to act like you can’t hear me.”

“Look, this isn’t really — “

“Blah blah, look at me, I’m Rob Lowe, I went on Saturday Night Live and made fun of my sex scandal and now I appear in terrible, unsubtle DirecTV ads selling TV reception as self-worth in a way that’s somehow even more pandering than your average car commercial! I’m a beloved celebrity!”

“Hey, Super Creepy Rob Lowe, this is just a joke — “

“Blah blah, I’m Rob Lowe and I’m a needy actor who is ridiculously handsome and actually gives interviews about how I feel like I wasn’t taken seriously as a young actor because I was just soooo freaking handsome that no one would give me a chance to take my limited range into serious drama!”

“Guy, come on, we’re just selling DirecTV here, and you — “

“Hey, get DirecTV, St. Elmo’s Fire is always on somewhere for some reason, even though it’s terrible and no one really likes it. Tell you one thing you won’t be seeing — me dancing and singing with Snow White in the most universally-reviled Academy Awards opening of all time, which often tops lists of the worst moments in Oscars history.”

“Hey! Come on! Worse than David Letterman introducing Oprah to Uma?”

“Much worse.”

“Worse than James Cameron’s tone-deaf declaration that he was King of the World, which made everyone immediately hate him for years?”

“Far worse.”

“Worse than Angelina Jolie making out with her brother?”

“Somehow, yes.”

“Worse than Sacheen Littlefeather?”


“Worse than Julia Roberts’ self-serving comment ‘I love my life’ just before announcing that Denzel Washington had won the Oscar, or her previous year’s acceptance speech where she went on and on about herself while not acknowledging the people who made the movie and helped her get there after a cringe-worthy moment where she admonished orchestra conductor Bill Conti, calling him ‘stick-man,’ not to play over her speech?”

“… Okay, yeah, nothing is worse than Julia Roberts.”

“She is just the worst.”

“Everything’s always about her.”


“Remember the next year when she said ‘I’m glad Tom Conti’s not here this year’ in an attempt to pretend she had any self-awareness about her embarrassing self-obsession, but coming across as even more egotistical because she had confused Bill Conti, the Oscar-winning composer of Rocky and The Right Stuff, with Tom Conti, the Scottish actor who starred in Shirley Valentine?”

“God, she really does love herself so freaking much.”

“Ha ha.”

“Huh. Hey, look, Super Creepy Rob Lowe … sorry for all of that stuff I said. We’re just selling an alternative to cable that somehow has an even more constant stream of irritating commercials than Geico.”

“I know, Rob Lowe. And I’m sorry for bringing up all of that.”

“I understand why you did it. I mean, pretending to be Super Creepy even with a sex scandal in our past isn’t too much, is it? I don’t want to be like Matthew Broderick in that Honda ad a couple of years ago.”

“What do you mean?”

“Remember, he made that Super Bowl ad where he played off of Ferris Bueller, and then people pointed out that it was a little uncomfortable that Matthew Broderick was in a commercial for cars after he had killed those people in a car crash in 1987, for which he only had to pay a $175 fine, despite two people being dead?”

“Oh, yeah. Well, vehicular manslaughter is way worse than sex with a younger girl who meets the age of consent requirements. I mean, you’re Rob Lowe.”

“Um, let’s not make light of it, Super Creepy Rob Lowe, it’s a sensitive subject.”

“You know what’s a sensitive subject? People are going to use DirecTV this week to watch The Mike Tyson Mysteries, an animated series starring convicted rapist Mike Tyson as a lovable caricature of Mike Tyson. Lots of jokes about his violent nature, which ended up getting him three years in prison in the nineties for rape. But he was in The Hangover, so everything’s copacetic now, I guess.”

“Huh, sounds like no context and no satire, just the constant reinforcement that misogyny is hilarious. Must be on Adult Swim.”

“It is on Adult Swim, the Maxim magazine of TV programming.”

“Well, maybe it’s a better idea to stream some Parks and Recreation. Get rid of cable and switch to DirecTV.”

“We don’t offer Internet, but we’re not about creepy marionette-fucking anymore.”

“Damn it, Super Creepy Rob Lowe!”


Aaron R. Davis lives in a cave at the bottom of the ocean with his eyes shut tight and his fingers in his ears. You can contact him at samuraifrog@yahoo.com

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