Bacon and Legs – Fontina’s Gift Guide for Her 2015
The holidays are upon us and I know all of you lovely humans out there are wondering what to get that special lady in your life. You might be great and take mental notes throughout the year or be able to walk into a store and pick out five things immediately. If that’s the case, good for you. If that’s not the case, you might be tempted to go online and search “Gift Guide for Girls” or “Gifts for Her 2015” and see what you get.
Let me tell you, if you get me anything off that list, it better be as a gag gift. I don’t want makeup brushes, in fact, I already have them. I don’t want scented candles, decorative tote bags or jars layered with chocolate chip cookie ingredients. And don’t even think about dropping a buttload of money on a watch … that’s something you go shopping for together, not something you assume you know her taste on. She’ll feel obligated to wear it for the next fucking decade and won’t love it nearly as much as one she’d pick out herself.
“Gift Guides for Genders” are a crock of glitter-encrusted shit. If you’re looking for a gifts for her list, I’m hoping that it’s all vaginal-related items. That’s the general distinction. Gifts for Her SHOULD be tampons, a clitoral vibrator and maybe … just maybe … a personal groomer. But tread lightly there, folks.
So I’m putting together my gift guide for her. It won’t be good for all the women in your life, just like the rest of that bullshit on the Internet. But it’ll be good for the girl in your life that likes the kind of cool (generally “masculine”) shit that I like. And yes, some of it is obviously food-related.
Use your brain and determine what your girl likes. Latch onto that and buy her something that knocks her socks off. If she’s like me … something that will knock her TARDIS socks off.
Fontina’s Gift Guide for Her 2015
Playing Cards from Theory 11
Whether she likes playing poker and blackjack or she just generally likes to own beautiful things, all of the cards from Theory 11 are gorgeously designed and generously priced. (Except the fancypants ones. Those are expensive as shit … but still very cool.)
Tattoo Care Kit from Billy Jealousy
First of all, I think you should get your girl a new tattoo. That’s the best gift of all. But, how great would it be to present her with this legit tattoo care kit and a little note that says you’re paying the first XX-amount of dollars for next session?
Insulated Pint Glass from Stanley
I’m actually drinking out of this while I write this piece. No lie. Love the fuck out of it. Keeps your beer cold and your coffee hot. Not at the same time. But it’s great and I love the look of it. Reminds me of my mom’s old boyfriend’s Stanley thermos he would take to and from the tank plant where he worked. That’s some hardcore shit.
Stag Bottle Opener from ModCloth
No one probably needs a new bottle opener. Usually people have some form or another of one already. But I do love an upgrade. Pretty much add antlers to anything and I’ll consider it an upgrade. Except my husband. Please don’t mutilate him for a Christmas gift to me, he’s perfect just how he is.
Beer Soap from Craft Loyal on Etsy
I’ve bought this as gifts, for male and female, and love it. I’d love to go on a tangent here about women in the craft beer community, but I’ll save that for another column. For now, I’ll be satisfied with saying, buy this for your girl if she likes beer and also being clean. (As a warning, tell her not to use it if she’s hungover.)
Juice S2 Multitool from Leatherman
The fun thing about multitools is that … they are useful. The fun thing about useful things is, they aren’t gender specific. Girls fix shit too. This one happens to be functional and also rustic-adorable, which I’ve found has been my style lately.
Razor Subscription from Dollar Shave Club
I believe their commercial even touts this … razors are razors. They don’t have specific ones for women, they just have razors that go against skin to remove hair. They are good and they are cheap and you can buy a subscription for the hairy female in your life. (Oh stop, we’re all hairy. We’re mammals.)
Wood Panel Flask from Woodchuck
More rustic-adorable, this is a great way to transport liquor, mixed drinks or water if she’s trying to fool people into thinking she’s not pregnant.
Bodum Pebo Vacuum Coffee Maker from Sur la Table
I know you’re all coffee nuts because you all yell at me when I do shit like reheat my coffee in the microwave or put Splenda in it. So if you want to make it pure and simple, just use this and stovetop. The vacuum coffee maker is how diners used to make the shit in the old days. You can control the temperature and therefore control the flavor that you get out of the bean. Science, bitches.
Mortal Kombat X for Xbox One from Amazon
I get that some people hate this game because of the blood and gore, but that’s honestly half of the biggest draw. Over the top violence mixed with the other 50 percent – nostalgia – makes this a great gift for your gamer girl … assuming she doesn’t already have it. It’s also great for casual gamer girls!
The Oxford Companion to Beer from Barnes and Noble
Complete and whole, the Oxford Companion to Beer is a great resource for the beer-loving chica in your vida.
Dry Rub from Mangia.tv
Get your lady out to the grill with some Mangia Dry Rub. This is awesome in a self-made grilling gift basket or on it’s own. I love the sweet cajun rub on all of my meats and my pantry is never without it.
Nut Crate from Harry & David
I usually prefer mine in a sack, but this nut crate is a great foodie gift for the lady hostess or secondary relative in your life. Perhaps not a romantic gift or the only thing you would get for your mother, it is a quality piece that could be added to enhance any gift.
Salami Sampler from DiBruno Brothers
What’s better than meat? Not a whole hell of a lot. And the folks at DiBruno Brothers know what they are doing. I don’t think I would have left Philadelphia if I didn’t know I could get amazing meats and cheeses delivered to my door from them. You don’t even need to think, just click what looks good and order. She’ll be satisfied by this sausage … or something.
Hot Sauce Kit from Williams Sonoma
Some like it hot. Let your lady heat it up in the kitchen in a completely non-sexist way.
Gin Kit from Williams Sonoma
I definitely romanticize the idea of making liquor in a bathtub. Maaaaybe get your girl a way to do that in a more sanitary way. This gin making kit is a great way for her to perfect her own liquor for those vintage speakeasy cocktails.
Thor’s Hammer Wall Light from Target
I don’t even think this one needs an explanation … if you have an Avengers fan in your life, she’s going to want this. If she doesn’t, she’s probably not that big a fan. Evaluate that relationship now.
Star Wars/Marvel/Star Trek/Doctor Who Clothing from HerUniverse
This. Site. Is. Amazing. Since the beginning of time, there has been oodles of options of nerd-ware for men. Mostly t-shirts (and trust me, I have my fair share of men’s tees), sometimes boxers, but how great would it be for your girl to wear something that expresses her love of [insert pop culture phenomenon here] in a way that is tailored to fit her body? You can’t go wrong.
I also think this is the only thing on this list that is more gender-specific, but I’ve known guys who would wear the shit out of this stuff and rock it. So again, it’s more human-specific.
Subscription to Loot Crate from Loot Crate
This is like, Christmas once a month. A lot of months, it’s the highlight of my month. In the middle of a crappy work week, just stubbed her toe, she goes out to check the mail and lo and behold! there’s a little black box filled with an onslaught of surprise geeky gifts.
Doctor Who Pop Vinyls from ThinkGeek
If you have a Doctor Who fan in your life, you know it. She isn’t keeping it a secret. Chances are, she’s wearing a really long striped scarf and giggled the last time an exterminator came to the house. She wants these. Probably all of them. Definitely #10.
There you have it, my gift guide for girls … like me. Or guys like me. Hope it’s helpful. Please send all of my gifts c/o HoboTrashcan, 123 Hobo Lane, Cleveland, OH. Merry Christmas and Happy Shopping!
Fontina Turner, a food blogger and graphic designer from Philadelphia, makes classy-as-fuck comfort food and consumes an unhealthy amount of cheeses and craft beers. She can be found in the kitchen, at the bar, on Twitter or trying to make H. Jon Benjamin love her. Contact her at email@example.com.