Being an Internet Goddess

I've Changed My Mind.

I used to think I wouldn’t date a guy unless he was – at the very least – aware of my website. I was afraid that if I tried to hide my website from him, the droopy eyed, balding, ultra-conservative would find out and accuse me of being a lesbian pornographer and abandon me at Kamehachi’s sushi bar with a $239.00 bill when I was going to dump him that night anyways!! Just an example, not that that ever happened…

I used to this that it was only fair that any member of the opposite sex in whom I’m truly interested be aware that our entire relationship, most particularly the sexual aspect, would be potential fodder for my radio show and column. I didn’t want some burly redhead suffering from a truly stupefying case of premature ejaculation to read too much into a regular article heralding our untimely sexploits, less he accuse me of being an insensitive bitch who craves too much foreplay!! Again, just an illustration.

Not to be full of myself (yeah, right), but I’ve grown weary of either being put on a pedestal or being treated like the most disappointing peanut butter sandwich with the crust still on. I imagine these men would be otherwise considered “nice guys,” placed in the unenviable position of knowing that the girl who never wears makeup, eats at Arby’s and comes on the bottom in a very non-X-rated fashion is also the sexed-out hard-ass – modeling, hosting a radio show, designing and otherwise being featured on dozens of websites.

So, after much consideration, I’ve decided not to give future potential fellows any information that might lead them to the conclusion that I am anything other than an Internet novice. (What free porn? Where?) I will not regale them with tales of my nude modeling exploits; I will not tell them about my radio-show research on how men respond to not getting blow jobs; and I will not tell them about the kick-ass girlie website I’m designing. It’s just safer that way, because then they’ll never know what they are missing. They’ll just assume I’m an average-Jill with her pez dispensers, and an occasionally too-bitchy tone of voice, who, at the very least, gives really great head … but only when she feels like it.

The thing is, this is a significantly more difficult fib to pull off than it might appear, because most people nowadays can’t help but do a little Internet vanity search on their significant other, if for nothing other than to confirm that there isn’t a warrant out for his arrest … for example. I’m nosey like that myself; I can only presume that others are, too. Besides, I can’t keep a secret, and I have a hard time believing I’d actually be able to find someone I like enough to date, but not enough to tell him everything fun that happens in my life. But I digress … I think I was talking about myself? Oh yes, me.

I’ll save those naughty secrets for you – the readers of this li’l bi-weekly column, chronicling my ever adventurous life, working for a crazy thing called the “Internet.” You’ll be the sole benefactors of the knowledge I’ve acquired while modeling for the occasional perv, getting loads of bizarre email, hosting a radio show that has lead to more than one relationship debacle, in addition to all the fun things that happen in my non-Internet life. You’ll possibly find out more about my politics (I’m a die-hard Libertarian from the Ayn Rand school of thought), my relationship with my family (I grew up the oldest of seven in a very Mormon household), my loves (my cat, shoes, champagne, sushi and the occasional boyfriend – in that order), my sex (I’m a nymph, varying between ever-so conventional means of getting off and abundant deviant means) and what I like in people (honesty, fearlessness, and cockiness for starters …). I’ll impart to you all the modesty of being an Internet Goddess, and hope that the fellows I meet in real life never find out about this article.

Although … maybe it’s time I just give up on normal guys and date the guy who created Amazon.com or something. Maybe he’d understand me. Think he’s on AmericanSingles.com? Mmmmm …

Ann Marie Weinert is a Chicago based fashion and pin-up model, as well as Internet radio host for http://annmarieandkaty.com. More of her work can be seen at http://annmarieweinert.com.