Holy moly!

Holy moly ... man, this has been one wild week in the world of politics. I mean, if it got anymore exciting, I might actually be able to write a meaningful piece. But since it hasn't gotten that wild out here, lets take a look at the Week that Was(n't).

Actually Congress was pretty busy last week. While no one was looking because they were stirring up a ruckus on some non-existent threat to the sanctity of marriage. the House passed HR5252 which in a nutshell says telecommunications will be deregulated so that phone companies can get in the act of providing video service. Sounds great right? It sure does ... right up to the part where it says that ISP's will now be able to pick and choose what you see on the Internet much the same way they do with cable. Look, this is a boring topic and you can find out a lot more over at www.savetheinternet.com.

The big thing I'd like to point out is that anytime gay marriage, abortion, immigration or gay immigrants performing abortions come up you need to start watching what Congress is doing. We always sit back and play "Jo-Jo the Monkey Boy" at a magic show during election years where we get all worked up watching the hand with the wand that we totally miss the fact he shoved a rabbit right up our ass. All I'm saying is look out for what happens in the Senate. The bill has less of a chance at passing because unlike the House, only 1/3 of the Senate is up for reelection at any one time so they can afford to stand their ground against the special interest. Or at least 33.3% of them can (how in the hell do you get .3% of a person anyway?).

Speaking of standing your ground in the Senate; Robert Byrd set the record for longest serving Senator ever this week - 17,327 days and counting for a man so old that he once belonged to the KKK and that was alright with just about everyone, including "Negroes" as they were called, because that is what an upstanding white gentleman from West Virginia did back then. Oh wait; they still do that in WV? At any rate, the man is 88 years old and he ain't planning on stopping anytime soon. In fact, he is up for reelection this year and will probably take it again. The funny thing is people all over the country can't figure out how a Democrat that is about as liberal as they come, spoke out against the war, and still calls it "that In-Tar-Net contraption," keeps getting elected in one of the reddest states in the Union. The answer is pretty simple really ... cash. This guy has been on the Senate appropriations committee forever and has made sure that while fulfilling his duty to a grateful nation that he never forgets to sign a big pork check to send back home. Hell, with the amount of money he has sent to WV, they should be a world leader in just about everything. Instead they're still working on getting a full set of teeth between the 40 people that actually live there.

I need some type of witty transition right here so ... you know who else doesn't have any teeth? President Bush (drum crash)! Really, his poll numbers are through the floor and even the death of the most wanted terrorist in Iraq didn't do much to lift his approval ratings. So now, three years and change into the War in Iraq and the President decides, "Hmmm, maybe I should call together those folks that are supposed to advise me, I think they're called the Cabinet, and get them working on this Iraq thing." Too bad he has already fired every competent person that ever served him (with the exception of Condi, of course, because we all know that the wider the gap in your teeth, the smarter you are). But he is stuck with what he has, so all of them will be hanging out at Camp David this week, shovels in hand, trying to figure out how they are going to dig themselves out of this one.

Ready? Here comes another great transition ... of Course, the President isn't the only American that is going to be doing some digging. The US Men's World Cup team is going to have to perform like superstars after falling 3 - 0 to the Czech Republic if they want to get into the next round. The important political lesson here is that we aren't the most hated country in the world. When our team took to the field in Germany, the crowd actually sang along with our national anthem (the English version). I guess all those propaganda films we shoved down the Krauts throats after WWII paid off. Iran, on the other hand, got a long and steady boo. Which they immediately blamed on the six million Jews the Iranian President doesn't believe were killed by Hitler. What a jackass.

You know who else is a jackass? Me because I actually bother to pay attention to shit like that and no one is paying me for it ... damn, maybe I should move to WV and run for the Senate ... I mean the guy only has a few good years left right?

Brock Tanner does his research for this column in his underwear. He can be found throwing half-full beer cans at the television every time a Fox News Alert plays and its Greta Van Susteren talking about someone "missing." Contact him at brocktanner@hobotrashcan.com.