Lost has officially come to an end, which means it’s time to start rewatching it from the beginning and rereading all of Chris Kirkman’s old recaps to see how many of his crazy theories actually panned out. To help you on that journey, here’s a complete list of every column Kirkman has written for HoboTrashcan.

Lost – Season Four

• 2.07.08 – “The Beginning of the End”
• 2.14.08 – “Confirmed Dead”
• 2.21.08 – “The Economist”
• 2.28.08 – “Eggtown”
• 3.06.08 – “The Constant”
• 3.13.08 – “The Other Woman”
• 3.27.08 – “Meet Kevin Johnson”
• 5.01.08 – “The Shape of Things to Come”
• 5.15.08 – “Cabin Fever”
• 5.29.08 – “There’s No Place Like Home: Part One”
• 6.12.08 – “There’s No Place Like Home: Part Two”

Lost – Season Five

• 1.23.09 – “Because You Left” and “The Lie”
• 1.30.09 – “Jughead”
• 2.06.09 – “The Little Prince”
• 2.13.09 – “This Place is Death”
• 2.20.09 – “316″
• 3.27.09 – “The Life and Death of Jeremy Bentham”
• 3.06.09 – “LaFleur”
• 3.13.09 – A little intermezzo (Bonus Column)
• 3.20.09 – “Namaste”
• 3.27.09 – “He’s Our You”
• 4.03.09 – “Whatever Happened, Happened”
• 4.10.09 – “Dead is Dead”
• 4.17.09 – “Some Like It Hoth”
• 5.01.09 – “The Variable”
• 5.08.09 – “Follow the Leader”
• 5.15.09 – “The Incident”
• 5.21.09 – Flashbackin’ (Bonus Column)

Lost – Season Six

• 2.04.10 – “LA X” (Recap)
• 2.05.10 – “LA X” (Analysis)
• 2.11.10 – “What Kate Does”
• 2.18.10 – “The Substitute”
• 2.25.10 – “Lighthouse”
• 3.04.10 – “Sundown”
• 3.11.10 – “Dr. Linus”
• 3.18.10 – “Recon”
• 3.25.10 – “Ab Aeterno”
• 4.01.10 – “The Package”
• 4.08.10 – “Happily Ever After”
• 4.15.10 – “Everybody Loves Hugo”
• 4.22.10 – “The Last Recruit”
• 4.29.10 – Meanwhile (Bonus Column)
• 5.06.10 – “The Candidate”
• 5.13.10 – “Across the Sea”
• 5.20.10 – “What They Died For”
• 5.25.10 – “The End”

And if that isn’t enough Lost-related goodness for you, here are a few other site features to help you cope with the loss of this iconic show …

• One on One with Michael Emerson
• One on One with Alan Dale
• One on One with François Chau
• One on One Mark Pellegrino
• Murphy’s Law – What happened to the remaining Lost survivors after the finale?
• Murphy’s Law – Jack Shephard’s redemption
• Murphy’s Law – Lost action figures I’d like to see
• Positive Cynicism – Possible endings for Lost
• Hobo Radio 133 – Saying goodbye to Lost
• Hobo Radio 116 – Going Ben Linus on your hatch

Chris Kirkman

“The End” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost:

Goodbye to all my friends at home,
Goodbye to people I’ve trusted,
I’ve got to go out and make my way,
I might get rich you know I might get busted,
But my heart keeps calling me backwards,
As I get on the 707,
Riding high I got tears in my eyes,
You know you got to go through hell,
Before you get to heaven,

Big ol’ jet airliner,
Don’t carry me too far away,
Oh big ol’ jet airliner,
Cause it’s here that I’ve got to stay …

This week, on Lost: LA X. Christian Shephard has finally reached his destination – or at least a package with his name in big, bold stencils indicates as such. While his coffin is loaded on board a truck by a pony-tailed baggage handler, AlternaJack sits in his office, going over x-rays. Jack prime washes his face, and ponders his wet, aged hands. AlternaBen steeps some tea with his good arm, while Ben loads a cartridge and ponders how long he’ll have to continue killing people. AlternaLocke takes one last look at his wheelchair as he’s wheeled away on a gurney toward his healing surgery. AlternaSawyer wraps up his day in the police force, as Sawyer takes a seat next to Freckles on a log and checks her gunshot wound. AlternaKate sits in the AlternaCamaro as the Oceanic delivery truck pulls up to a church, and AlternaDesmond meets the pony-tailed delivery guy and signs for the package. The two lift the coffin onto a dolly and Desmond asks pony-tail to wheel it around back. As Desmond heads back to the Camaro, we know it’s time to start. Let’s get to it.

“His name is Christian Shephard? Seriously??” Seriously, Freckles.

Kate wants to know why she’s here, but Desmond can’t tell her that – and he especially can’t tell her why she’s here. As for why he’s here with her – well, Des has to show her. I’d like to have a nickel for every time Kate Austen has heard that line.

On Island Prime, Jack is shin-deep in a pool of water, either zoning out or realizing his destiny – it’s tough to tell which. Sawyer shows up, wondering what the hell just happened all up in here, but Jack has absolutely no idea. All he does know, however, is that Jacob said they have to head over to the local Home Depot, just past their bamboo forest, because that’s where the light at the heart of the Island resides. Sawyer postulates that Desmond is key, because Ol’ Smokey needs him to snuff out the light. Jack says that Jacob didn’t say anything about Desmond, but Sawyer shuts Jack up real quick-like, saying that it doesn’t seem like Jacob said anything about anything. YEAH. “It’s kind of true, dude … he’s worse than Yoda,” says Hurley. DOUBLE YEAH.

Sawyer heads out into the brush to find Desmond, and Hurley admits that he has “a bad feeling about this.” Star Wars geeks around the world rejoice.

Cue the last swirling Lost!

LA X. The Flightline Hotel. Hurley’s Hummer pulls into the parking lot, and Hurley shows Sayid a tranquilizer gun to try and jog his memory. It doesn’t work. Hurley jumps out, telling Sayid to stay put and to trust him, dude. There’s no indication of trust just yet, but Sayid does as he’s told. Upstairs, Hurley knocks on a door and Charlie answers, looking like Richard Alpert, wearing a ton of mascara. Hurley grins like a sodding idiot, announcing that he’s there to pick him up for the concert, and Charlie tells him to bugger off. Hurley apologetically tranqs his bass-playing ass.

Downstairs, Hurley loads the hobbit into the trunk. Sayid asks what that was, to which Hurley responds, “That was Charlie.”

On Island Prime, Jack, Kate and Hurley trek along with the Giacchino trekking music in the background, and Kate and Jack have a little moment about destiny versus free will. Hurley notes that it would all be so sweet if they weren’t all about to die.

Over at the well, Locke is curling some rope, while Sawyer looks on from the bushes. It’s not long before he pulls a Kate and finds himself at the business end of Ben’s rifle, becoming a hostage. Sawyer and Locke engage in some witty repartee in which Sawyer admits that he knows Smokey needs Desmond in order to destroy the Island. Then Sawyer realizes that Ben’s most recent bruises are starting to clear up, so he elbows him in the face and exits stage left. Ben wonders why Locke isn’t going after Sawyer, but there’s no need – oh, and he’s really sorry about destroying the Island, but Ben is more than welcome to join him on his little boat when it all sinks to the bottom of the sea. Sounds fun.

Locke kneels, noticing tracks. “I think there was a dog here,” says Locke.

I really want a Vincent.

VINCENT! Rose, Bernard! Desmond! It seems as though Rose and Bernard rescued the Scot from the well, but Rose doesn’t mince words, telling Des that as soon as he’s up and able, he’s able to get the hell out of their camp. She and Bernard are through with the A-Team’s adventures. It’s about that time that Bernard returns from fetching breakfast, and he’s caught more than fish – Locke and Ben come slithering into camp. Locke whips out his giant knife and informs Des that if he doesn’t follow his every word, he’ll gut the lovers and make it hurt. Des has no choice but to do what Smokey demands.

Locke, Des and Ben trek off through the Jungle of Mystery, past some banyan trees. Smokey eyes them warily. He remarks that Desmond has no idea where he’s taking the Scot, but Des says it’s probably somewhere with a bright light. Just a hunch, says he. There’s a burst of static, and Locke asks what that was. “What was what?” asks Ben, his usual cat-that-ate-the-canary look across his face. Locke turns to walk off and Ben hides the walkie talkie in his pocket. Smooth, Benjamin. Real smooth.

Miles is on the other end of the walkie, wanting to know where Benjamin is lurking. Seems he’s founds something. That something is Richard Alpert, who has seen better days. Richard tells Miles that they need to stay on mission – they need to blow up the plane.

Over in LA X, Miles sees Sayid drive by in the HurleyMobile and gives Detective Ford a call. They need to keep Sun safe, since she’s the one who identified the Iraqi. James heads over to the hospital to check on the Koreans.

At the hospital, Sun and Jin are discussing the suckier parts of being shot, when Juliet pops in for a visit. Wait, JULIET?? Yes! It seems as though Juliet Carlson is alive and well in LA X, and an acting OB/GYN. Juliet squirts some of that magical sonogram gel on Sun’s pregnant tummy and they all have a look-see. That’s all it takes for Sun and Jin to have a full-on awakening, as they get the mystical flashes from their lives on Island Prime. The lovers are ecstatic, and Juliet doesn’t know quite what to make of it. They inform her – in English! – that the baby is a girl, and her name is Ji Yeon. It’s pretty awesome that the awakenings can even transfer language skills. It’s sort of like the Matrix. I half expect the next person to “awaken” and say “I know Kung Fu.”

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Chris Kirkman

“What They Died For” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost: Sawyer screwed the pooch on the sub, sabotaging Shephard’s straight-shooting speech and subsequently sending Sayid towards suicide. The sub shook and shimmied and Shephard saved Sawyer, while Sun and her suitor sucked seawater and said sayonara. Shephard and the sole survivors soon sobbed.

This week, on Lost: As many a time before over the past six seasons, we open on an eye. Jack’s, to be exact. We soon see that he’s not waking up in a jungle, or trapped inside a Dharma aquarium, or bearded and hopped up on goofballs. No, this is AlternaJack, and he’s got quite the life, now. It’s morning in LA X, and Dr. Shephard makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he notices something very peculiar, indeed.

Dude, you really need to stop eating PB&J in bed.

Little Jack Jr. interrupts his pop and says he’s made breakfast. They sit down to a big ol’ hearty bowl of Super Bran and it becomes quite obvious how Jack got his neck wound – he probably blew out a vein in the bathroom after all that fiber. David asks his dad if he’s coming to the concert tonight, and Jack says absozooberutely.

Soon, not-so-crazy AlternaClaire waddles out and they all have a shiny, happy family moment before the phone rings. Jack picks it up and a voice informs him that Oceanic has found his lost luggage – in other words, Papa Shephard has finally reached port. Jack says thanks and we are soon treated to the identity of the voice on the other end of the line – Desmond, who speaks American pretty darn well.

Meanwhile, over on Island Prime, it’s morning on the beach and Jack is pulling some stitching out of his underwear in order to sew up Kate’s wounded shoulder. Sawyer is up and about, and sits a bit dazed on the beach with Hurley. Kate grimaces and mourns for the Kwons while getting her stitches, saying that Jin hadn’t even met his little girl yet. “Locke did this to them,” says Kate, gritting her teeth in a slight snarl. “We have to kill him, Jack.”

To be such a pretty girl, Kate sure can make some messed up faces.

Jack calmly looks down at his patient, nods his head slowly and simply says, “I know.” Awwww yeah!

Cue the swirling Lost!

With Kate all stitched up, the four survivors stand solemnly on the beach and watch the debris from the sub wash ashore. Kate leans her head on Sawyer’s shoulder. Jack breaks the silence and says that they should head to the well that Sayid told them about before he pulled an Arzt. Inside that well is Desmond, and if Locke needs him, says Jack, then they’re gonna need him. They all mount up and move out.

Back in LA X, Desmond is in his POS rental again, checking out the school parking lot. AlternaLocke is back in action, and some students welcome him back as he rolls across the lot. Desmond starts up the car, but Dr. Linus flings himself across the hood, yelling bloody murder. Desmond gets out of the car and proceeds to beat the ever-loving snot out of Benjamin – as usual – saying that he’s not there to hurt Locke, he’s there to help him let go. During the beatdown, Ben gets a flash or two of times in another life, brutha where he is getting a similar ass kicking at the hands of the Scot.

I half-expected Desmond to start belting out “Singing in the Rain.” Too obscure, my droogs?

Desmond hightails it out of there, leaving Dr. Linus beaten, bloodied and bewildered.

Let’s stick around LA X for awhile and see what shenanigans ensue, shall we?

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Chris Kirkman

“Across the Sea” Recap and Analysis …

I’ll just leave this here:

Retcon - “Retroactive Continuity” v. to retroactively revise (a plot, storyline, character, event, history, etc.), usually by reinterpreting past events, or by theorizing how the present would be different if past events had not happened or had happened differently. See: Crisis on Infinite Earths; Wolverine’s bone claws; Greedo shoots first.

Once upon a time, there was an Island. It was a very special place. To this Island came a lady in red – shipwrecked and washed ashore, this lady was very, very pregnant. Although the lady in red survived her ordeal, she did not believe that her ship companions had, and so thought that she was alone. She wasn’t. Soon, thankful for finding a stream for fresh water, she bent to take a drink and was startled when she looked up and found that Allison Janney was on the Island, as well. She seemed shocked to also find that Allison Janney spoke Latin.

Allison took the lady back to her caves and fed her and tended to her wounds. She found that the lady in red’s name was Claudia. Allison’s meal seemingly did not agree with Claudia’s constitution and so the lady in red went into labor, popping out a little baby whom she named Jacob. The lady in red wasn’t quite done yet, though, and soon pushed out another little boy, whom Allison wrapped in dark, swaddling clothes. This little bundle would remain nameless, however, as Claudia had very little imagination and had only picked out Jacob’s name.

Baby Jacob and the appropriately-acronymed BiB – Baby in Black.

Claudia wants to see her babies, but Allison has another idea, and decides to show her a big rock up real close to her face, over and over. With the lady in red now completely in red, Allison could become mommy dearest to the yin yang twins.

A few years later, BiB – the Boy in Black – walks along one of the Island beaches and finds a wooden box. There are squares carved in the top, and ornate swirls along its side. Inside are six stones – three in white and three in black. Little Jacob wanders over and asks his brother what he’s got. BiB explains that it’s a game, and he’ll teach Jacob how to play if he promises not to tell mother.

This is an ancient Egyptian game called Senet – one of the oldest boardgames in the world. This is probably the coolest bit of research that the Lost team has turned up, and we’ll go over the finer points later, in analysis.

Back in the caves, mother is weaving. Mother questions Jacob about his brother, and Jacob pulls a George Washington, unable to lie about his brother and the game.

Mother heads down to the beach and finds BiB thinking deep thoughts. BiB knows that Jacob blabbed, and mother says that Jacob is incapable of lying, unlike BiB. The boy wants to know what he’s like, and mother explains that he’s – special. The boy wants to keep the game and mother allows it, saying she left it for him. He assumed it was from somewhere else, like across the sea. Mother explains that there’s nothing across the sea – there’s only the Island.

Later, in the Jungle of Mystery, the brothers are chasing boar when the boar is suddenly speared. The boys hide in the bushes and witness some Others field dressing the boar. These Others aren’t capri-loving, nor are they jungle hippies – these Others are dressed in field leather and brandish swords.

The brothers run back to mommy and tell her about the bad men. She tells them that they are not like them, and don’t belong on the Island. And then she decides that it’s a good time to blindfold the boys and take them on a nature hike through the same jungle wherein they said they had just seen sword-brandishing goons. Doesn’t seem like the brightest idea, but whatever mother wants, mother gets.

As the boys walk blindly through the jungle with their mother, they all chit chat. Mother tells them that the men they saw are dangerous because “they come, they fight, they destroy, they corrupt and it always ends the same.” BiB, wise beyond his years, deducts that if they are people and the Others are people, and the Others can hurt each other, then that means Jacob and BiB can hurt each other. Mother stops them, removes their blindfold and tells them both that she’s made it so that neither boy can ever hurt the other. Then she spins them ’round and let’s them take a gander at the heart of the Island – a cave at the end of the creek with insides that sparkle and glimmer like gold.

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Chris Kirkman

“The Candidate” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost: I have no idea, because Christian Shephard didn’t say those magical words and fill me in. It’s okay, though, I’ve been paying attention. Mostly.

This week, on Lost: Everybody dies. Well, not everybody. I’m sorry, I’m getting ahead of myself. Oh, and did I give something away? Well, if you haven’t seen the episode yet, why are you reading? You can’t blame me for that.

Anyway, before we can get on with the death and dismemberment, we have to start with an eye – Locke’s to be exact. AlternaLocke, to be even more exact. We’re in LA X, and AlternaJack is there, waking Locke up and making sure he’s okay. Jack tells Locke that he got mangled by a rented sedan and that his dural sac was all shot to shit, but Jack rooted around in there and now Locke is all better. Jack says that while he was taking a peek under the hood, he saw the damage that had been done to Locke before and wants to know how it all happened. Locke asks why, and Jack explains that Locke is a candidate – a candidate for a new experimental surgery that could restore feeling to Locke’s lower extremities. Hell, Locke might even be able to walk again, all without the aid of the Island.

Locke says thanks, but no thanks, and ends the subject as Helen comes in and gives Jack a kiss of thanks. Despite the kiss from Peg Bundy, when someone tells Jack no, he’s not liable to take that as an answer, and so he begins his episode-long descent into Mr. Fixit mode – all while Jack on Island Prime decides to take the alternate route and actually become patient, confident and likable. We’ll get to all that. First, let’s finish what we started talking about in LA X.

Meanwhile, in LA X … I’ll bet you didn’t see this shot in the episode. That’s because it’s from this week’s Modern Family, which even has a Lost reference. Not watching this show? Shame on you, because it is to comedy what Lost is to time-traveling, mythic melodrama.

AlternaJack is seeking answers and, like any classic detective, his first stop is … the dentist? Well, Jackie boy has found some medical records that state that Locke had some emergency dental work done after his crippling accident. So, he tracks down the dentist. Turns out, it’s Bernard. After some brief chit-chat, Jack finds out that Bernard was on Oceanic 815, and Jack was seated right next to him. Bernard even says that Jack was flirting with his wife, Rose. Jack is flabbergasted. Bernard, however, does not seem surprised at the connection.

This is Bernard not being surprised at the connection.

Jack presses Bernard for the 411 on Locke’s malady, but Bernard can only reveal so much. Dentist-client confidentiality, don’t you know. Bernard does tell Jack that another man was treated with Locke after the accident, and he gives Jack a name – Anthony Cooper. “You remember all that?” asks Jack. “Of course I do,” says Bernard, impishly.

Jack follows the name Anthony Cooper to a nursing home, where he’s stymied by an admitting orderly who asks if Jack is family. No, he’s not, but luckily Helen – who just happens to walk in with a lovely potted plant (anthuriums, maybe?) – is, by proxy. It doesn’t take long for sharp-witted Helen to realize what Jack is up to, and she is reticent to allow him to see Anthony Cooper. Helen tells Jack that he saved John’s life, and wonders why that can’t be enough. Our ever-stubborn Jack tells Helen that it simply isn’t enough. Save your breath, Helen, the guy is like a dog with a bone.

Helen reluctantly agrees to let Jack see Anthony, who is now wizened, gray-haired, catatonic and confined to a wheelchair. Helen wipes Anthony’s mouth and introduces Jack to him, explaining that old man Cooper is Locke’s daddy.

Turns out some old bastards get a fickle fate no matter what timeline they inhabit.

Back at the hospital, Jack is visiting Locke, still confined to bed. Jack asks if John is awake, but Locke simply mutters in his sleep, apparently dreaming. “Push the button. I wish you had believed me.” I believe we all know what he’s dreaming about. Jack gets a very puzzled look on his face, just as he notices Claire out in the hallway, looking for the good doctor. Claire has a box tucked under her arm and asks if they can talk.

Jack buys an Apollo bar from the vending machine – the same one from which Jack gets the Apollo bar when Jacob first enters his life over in the Island Prime timeline – and the two settle in to talk. Claire opens her special package and pulls out an ornate box, asking Jack if he knows why their father wanted her to have it. Jack is clueless, admitting that he didn’t even know about Claire.

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