Lost: Down the Hatch – The Long Goodbye

Chris Kirkman

“What They Died For” Recap and Analysis …

Previously, on Lost: Sawyer screwed the pooch on the sub, sabotaging Shephard’s straight-shooting speech and subsequently sending Sayid towards suicide. The sub shook and shimmied and Shephard saved Sawyer, while Sun and her suitor sucked seawater and said sayonara. Shephard and the sole survivors soon sobbed.

This week, on Lost: As many a time before over the past six seasons, we open on an eye. Jack’s, to be exact. We soon see that he’s not waking up in a jungle, or trapped inside a Dharma aquarium, or bearded and hopped up on goofballs. No, this is AlternaJack, and he’s got quite the life, now. It’s morning in LA X, and Dr. Shephard makes his way to the bathroom. Once there, he notices something very peculiar, indeed.

Dude, you really need to stop eating PB&J in bed.

Little Jack Jr. interrupts his pop and says he’s made breakfast. They sit down to a big ol’ hearty bowl of Super Bran and it becomes quite obvious how Jack got his neck wound – he probably blew out a vein in the bathroom after all that fiber. David asks his dad if he’s coming to the concert tonight, and Jack says absozooberutely.

Soon, not-so-crazy AlternaClaire waddles out and they all have a shiny, happy family moment before the phone rings. Jack picks it up and a voice informs him that Oceanic has found his lost luggage – in other words, Papa Shephard has finally reached port. Jack says thanks and we are soon treated to the identity of the voice on the other end of the line – Desmond, who speaks American pretty darn well.

Meanwhile, over on Island Prime, it’s morning on the beach and Jack is pulling some stitching out of his underwear in order to sew up Kate’s wounded shoulder. Sawyer is up and about, and sits a bit dazed on the beach with Hurley. Kate grimaces and mourns for the Kwons while getting her stitches, saying that Jin hadn’t even met his little girl yet. “Locke did this to them,” says Kate, gritting her teeth in a slight snarl. “We have to kill him, Jack.”

To be such a pretty girl, Kate sure can make some messed up faces.

Jack calmly looks down at his patient, nods his head slowly and simply says, “I know.” Awwww yeah!

Cue the swirling Lost!

With Kate all stitched up, the four survivors stand solemnly on the beach and watch the debris from the sub wash ashore. Kate leans her head on Sawyer’s shoulder. Jack breaks the silence and says that they should head to the well that Sayid told them about before he pulled an Arzt. Inside that well is Desmond, and if Locke needs him, says Jack, then they’re gonna need him. They all mount up and move out.

Back in LA X, Desmond is in his POS rental again, checking out the school parking lot. AlternaLocke is back in action, and some students welcome him back as he rolls across the lot. Desmond starts up the car, but Dr. Linus flings himself across the hood, yelling bloody murder. Desmond gets out of the car and proceeds to beat the ever-loving snot out of Benjamin – as usual – saying that he’s not there to hurt Locke, he’s there to help him let go. During the beatdown, Ben gets a flash or two of times in another life, brutha where he is getting a similar ass kicking at the hands of the Scot.

I half-expected Desmond to start belting out “Singing in the Rain.” Too obscure, my droogs?

Desmond hightails it out of there, leaving Dr. Linus beaten, bloodied and bewildered.

Let’s stick around LA X for awhile and see what shenanigans ensue, shall we?

Smoking Stinks. Hah, get it? God, I love the set designers on this show.

AlternaBen gets all patched up in the nurse’s office. She makes the mistake of calling him Mr. Linus, and he quickly corrects her that it’s Doctor Linus, showing a tiny bit of the Island Prime prick we’ve all come to know and love. She runs and grabs an ice pack, and Locke wheels in, wanting to know what happened. Ben fills him in about the beatdown, about Desmond, and most importantly about the feeling. Locke tries to call the police, but Ben stops him, telling John what Desmond said – that he was trying to get Locke to let go. John is stunned. “Does that mean something to you?” asks Ben. Locke puts his phone away.

Over at LAXPD headquarters, Desmond walks in and asks to see a detective. They take him over to Detective Ford and Des turns himself in for the hit and run and, more recently, the assault and battery that occurred earlier that morning. Sawyer books him and throws him in the hoosegow with Sayid and Kate. What a coincidence! Desmond is very pleased, indeed, wishing both Freckles and the Iraqi a good day with a wry smile.

Later that day, Ben’s leaving school for the day and bumps into Alex. She says that he shouldn’t drive because he only has one arm and looks a bit like Napoleon. Yeah, Dynamite. Zing! He says she has a point and they mosey over to the car where Alex asks her mom if it’s okay if teach tags along for awhile. But of course, says Danielle Rousseau, looking decidedly non-crazy and very happy to see Benjamin. The two even invite Ben over for dinner since it’s coq au vin night – you know, since coq au vin is the only thing that French people know how to cook.

“We insist, even if we have to kidnap you.” AlternaDanielle is funny, pretty and charming. It’s amazing what happens when you actually run a brush through your hair every other year.

Over at chateau Rousseau, things are going swimmingly. While Alex does her homework, Danielle and Ben get better acquainted over dishes. Ben asks about Alex’s father, and Danielle tells him that he died when she was two. It’s also probably the reason why she’s so attached to Ben, since he’s taken a real interest in her. He’s the closest thing to a father she’s ever had. Ben looks in on Alex as she studies and gets a bit choked up. Danielle asks if he’s okay, but Ben plays it off, saying it’s probably just the onions. Danielle says that she’ll put in less next time. Ben laughs as if to say “Oh, that’s funny,” and then the light dawns and he looks up as if to say “OHHHHH hell yeah.” Get you some, Ben.

Over at the hospital, Jack is doing some paperwork in his office. John Locke comes wheeling in, and Jack is glad to see him, but wants to know what he can do for John. Locke pauses for a moment and then lays it all out – they were both on Oceanic 815, Jack gave him his card, John threw it away, John gets hit by a car, he happens to get Jack as a surgeon, Jack wants to fix Locke, Locke doesn’t want to get fixed, yadda yadda yadda. All that’s great, says John, but check this crap out: the moron who ran him down earlier showed up at the school today and beat the snot out of Benjamin Linus and told Ben that he wasn’t there to hurt Locke, he was there to help him let go – the exact same thing that Jack said to John the last time they saw each other.

Jack is a bit confused, and thinks that John is suggesting that Jack sent Desmond to run Locke down in the first place. Locke quickly denies that and stumbles a bit before suggesting that all of this is truly happening for a reason … maybe all this is just a sign, pointing out that Jack is supposed to fix him. Jack, still maintaining some of his obstinance even in LA X, says that perhaps John is mistaking coincidence for fate.

The only thing missing from this smile is an orange peel.

Call it whatever the hell you want, says John – but he’s pretty sure he’s ready to get out of that chair. Jack smiles.

Over at LAXPD, it’s time for the prisoners to be transferred to county lockup. Sawyer bids them farewell, but lingers by Freckles’ cage. She makes one more play, acting all cute and charming and asking Sawyer to let her go, but he can’t do that – he’s a cop. “Nice knowing you,” says James, walking away, but still looking back over his shoulder at the brunette he just can’t seem to get off his mind.

Desmond, Sayid and Kate are bouncing around in the back of the paddy wagon, when Desmond speaks up: “I think it’s time to leave.” Kate wants to know who Desmond is, and Sayid says that Des is a crazy person. Crazy or not, says Des, it doesn’t matter – they all still want to get out of there. Kate asks if Des is just going to ask the driver to stop, but Des says that the driver already knows where to stop – and when that happens, Kate and Sayid have to promise that they’ll do what Desmond asks of them. Sayid says “Oh, absolutely” and they all laugh a little, and Des asks Kate, and she says sure, and they all grin. That’s about the time the van slows to a stop and all of a sudden Kate and Sayid aren’t smiling any more. The back of the van pops open and a familiar face peers in.

I’m fairly certain that Michelle Rodriguez has been on the flip side of this scenario more than a couple of times.

Ana Lucia wants her money or else she’s gonna have to shoot them all as if they were trying to escape – or as if they were all Maggie Grace. Desmond tells her to keep her pantyhose on, that his guy will be there soon. She lets them out and uncuffs them, and soon Desmond’s guy is there. It’s Hurley. He’s sorry he’s late, dude … and he’s also shocked that Ana Lucia is there. “Do I know you, tubby?” she asks. Hurley says no, that they’ve never met, then hands her an envelope full of cash and she splits. Hurley asks if she’s going with them, but Des says that she’s “not ready yet.” Awesome.

Hurley brought along his Camaro for Desmond – the same one he smashed through the fruit stand back in season five, only this is the AlternaCamaro. Desmond says excellent, and asks if Hurley knows where he’s taking Sayid. Absolutely says Hugo. Des says they should get going and that Kate is coming with him. Kate gets her best scrunchy face on …

See?

… and wants to know what Desmond means. Des nonchalantly pulls a little black dress out of the trunk of the Camaro and tells Kate that they are going to a concert. Kate takes the dress, perplexed, and Desmond opens the passenger door. “Let’s go!” grins the Scot.

Thus concludes this portion of the adventures in LA X. To be continued Sunday!

Meanwhile, on Island Prime, we finally learn what Richard, Miles and Ben have been up to – apparently trekking through the jungle toward New Otherton. That is one long hike, let me tell you. And to top it all off, Ben says that they’re taking a shortcut! That has to be an in-joke. Speaking of jokes, Miles questions Ben’s directions and he says to trust him, that he lived in these houses for a very long time. Oh yeah? quips Miles. “Well, I lived in these houses 30 years before you did – otherwise known as ‘last week’.” Greatest line of the episode, by far.

The trio soon exit the Jungle of Mystery and head onto main street of New Otherton, making their way toward Ben’s bungalow. Miles’s dead Spidey sense starts tingling, and he pauses and kneels by a patch of ground. Ben wants to know what’s up, but Miles doesn’t think he should say anything. Richard says it for him – it’s Alex. He buried her there after Keamy blew her away and Ben left the Island after turning the great wheel. “Thank you, Richard,” says Ben solemnly.

The trio enter Ben’s bungalow and Ben opens up his secret room behind the bookcase, entering, and shoving some clothes out of the way. Miles notices the stone door covered in heiroglyphs and asks “What’s that? A secreter room?” Okay, I lied, that is the best line of the episode. Anyways, Ben explains that it’s where he was told he could summon the monster, but little did he know it was the monster that was summoning him. Lesson learned, Ben – smoking stinks.

Ben opens up his secret safe and peers inside. The C4 he stashed there a while back is still intact. He asks Richard if they intend to cripple the plane or blow it all to hell. Blow it to hell, says Richard. Better take it all, then, says Ben.

Mmmmm, brownies. That’s Good Eats. (That’s a little Alton Brown humor there for the four of you who might actually get that joke.)

They shove the C4 into Richard’s knapsack – no need to treat it gingerly like old Black Rock dynamite – when they hear a noise in the kitchen. They investigate. It’s Zoe. Ben wants to know who the hell she is, but Widmore soon pops out and says she’s with him. “Hello, Benjamin,” says the old bastard with a grin. “May I come in?”

Chuck pours himself a glass of water and tells Ben to put the gun down. He then gives Zoe orders to head to the dock, get the equipment, and sink the outrigger. Ben says that she’s going nowhere, but Charles warns him that if he shoots him, Ben’s chances of surviving on the Island are very slim. He then sends his lackey off to do her chores.

Ben wants to know how Chuck got back to the Island, and Widmore tells him that Jacob invited him. Ben says that Chuck’s pants are certainly on fire because there’s no way that Charles has seen Jacob. Uh huh, have to, says Chuck – Jacob appeared to him soon after they blew the freighter all to hell, and he told Chuck everything he needed to know to fulfill his purpose.

They’re interrupted by Zoe on the walkie, informing them all that Locke has landed at the dock and he’s hightailing it up to New Otherton. Run back, says Chuck. She does. Chuck suggests that they all, you know, hide.

Out in the Jungle of Mystery, Jack and company are trekking toward the well. Sawyer takes a metaphorical seat on the analysts couch and asks Jack if he really killed everyone on the sub. No, says Jack – he killed them. He being Locke, of course.

Hurley and Kate take up the rear, and Hurley soon stops, seeing young Island Matt Damon off in the brush. Kate asks if he’s okay, and Hurley says he’s fine. She walks off. Hurley turns around and jumps at the sight of the young boy. The boy demands the ashes in Hurley’s pocket, and he pulls them out, asking what the boy wants them for. The boy wastes no time, grabbing the pouch and running off into the jungle. Hurley gives chase.

Not to be cruel, but if Hurley’s been carrying that bag around in his pocket for several days, is little Jacob even sure he wants his ashes anymore?

Hugo comes upon a clearing. Jacob’s there. Hurley asks if Jacob saw a little boy run by with his ashes. Jacob explains that his ashes are there in the fire, and that when it all burns out then he’ll never see Jacob again. Hurley is perplexed, as are most of us – but these are the rules of the Island. Jacob says that he should run off and gather his friends, because they are very near the end. Yes, we are, Jacob.

Back in New Otherton, Zoe shows up and she and Chuck make a break for the secret room. Ben, however, wants to stay and confront the monster because he’s gonna find him sooner or later. Miles thinks these are both wonderful plans, but he plans to exit stage left – right quick and in a hurry. Before he goes, he grabs Chuck’s walkies and hands Miles one – just in case he needs the Asian for any reason. Chuck tells them all that they’re gonna die and Ben says that he guesses this is goodbye. Chuck and Zoe hide in the closet.

Ben asks Richard if he’d like to wait outside for the inevitable, and Richard says that he’ll just talk to Locke – that he knows this man and all he wants is for Richard to join him, and by talking, it might buy the rest of them time. Good luck with that, says Miles, as he hauls ass out the door and into the Jungle of Mystery.

Outside, Richard walks slowly through the Dharma compound. Ben watches from a distance. It’s not long before we hear the clickety cricket sound, and the battle horn of Ol’ Smokey sounds off and soon Richard has a face full of smoke monster. Ol’ Smokey sends Richard rocketing to the moon, and leaves Ben standing there, staring, his face full of shock and awe.

Dude, weren’t you paying attention when we were saying that “smoking stinks?”

Hrm … guess not. See you around, Ricardus.

Ben slowly walks over to his porch and takes a seat and waits. He doesn’t have to wait long, as MiB comes around the corner and takes a seat next to Ben, telling him that Ben is just the man he’s looking for. “Well, you found me,” says Ben quietly. “Can I get you a glass of lemonade?”

MiB sits and picks at his fingernails with his favorite, large hunting knife. “I need you to kill a whole bunch of people,” explains Locke. And if Ben does kill a whole bunch of people, he can have the Island all to himself when MiB leaves the Island. Sounds good to Ben. MiB inquires about the outrigger, and Ben fills him in on Widmore – even going so far as to tell him that ol’ Chuck is inside, hiding in Ben’s secret closet.

The duo head inside, and Ben opens up the closet for MiB. He warns Locke that Chuck’s ladyfriend is armed, but he guesses that’s not a problem for Ol’ Smokey. As Ben opens the door, MiB tells him to wait outside, that Ben doesn’t need to see this. Oh, but Ben really wants to see this. MiB seems a tad impressed.

The door opens and the light goes up, and Zoe and Charles are standing there like two little kids, suddenly caught before olly olly oxen free has been called. MiB says howdy and declares that it’s nice that he and Chuck can talk face to face without those pesky sonic fences in the way. MiB turns to Zoe and asks who she is. She starts to answer, but Chuck stops her, telling her not to talk to MiB. Ol’ Smokey doesn’t really take kindly to that, so he whips out his pigsticker and slits her throat. She collapses in Widmore’s arms.

When thinking of a caption for this, my fevered brain could only repeat over and over – “Big Mac, Filet o’ Fish, Quarter Pounder, french fries, icy Coke, thick shake, sundaes and apple pies!” I wish I could explain, but it is a dark and wondrous place up there.

“Why’d you do that?” pleads Chuck.

“You told her not to talk to me, that made her pointless,” says MiB, flatly.

It’s clear to MiB that Charles is not afraid to die, so there’s really only one way to motivate someone like that – once he gets off the Island, states MiB, the first thing he’s going to do is find Chuck’s daughter, Penny, and kill her. Chuck doesn’t much like that, but he also believes that MiB will kill her whether he talks to Smokey or not. MiB gives Chuck his word that he won’t, as long as Widmore tells MiB why he came back to the Island.

Chuck ponders for a moment, and then spills the beans. He explains that he brought Des back to the Island because he’s got this funky resistance to electromagnetism, and the Scot is a measure of last resort. MiB doesn’t quite understand, but Chuck says he’s not going to tell the old smoke monster anything in front of Ben. Ben hovers at the door, but then slowly turns around and shuffles slowly away. MiB suggests that Chuck whisper the secret to him, and so he does, leaning in and saying something under his breath that sounds an awful lot like “watermelon watermelon watermelon.”

And then Ben blows ol’ Chuck Widmore away.

RIP Charles Widmore. Cause of death: Lead poisoning.

Ben leans up against the door jamb. “He doesn’t get to save his daughter,” says Benjamin. How delightfully vengeful. MiB remarks that Ben never ceases to amaze him, and that, fortunately, Chuck had already told MiB everything he needed to know, so no harm done. “Good,” says Ben, glancing at the floor. “Did you say that there were some other people to kill?” Dude, even in the face of damnation you are still the man.

Out in the Jungle of Mystery, it’s nightfall, and Hurley has gathered Jack, Kate and Sawyer and taken them back to see Jacob. And see him they do – all of them. Somehow burning his magic ashes enabled all of them to see the dead protector. Soon, secrets of the Island start coming out, as most secrets this season have tended to – while seated around a campfire, making s’mores. To make a long story short, Jacob screwed up when he tossed his little brother down a hole and created a monster, and ever since then that monster has been trying to kill him. He knew that someday the monster would figure out how to make Jacob pine for the fjords and so Jacob needed to secure a replacement. Hence, the Candidates.

“… and then the police called and said to grab the kids and run because THE CALL IS COMING FROM INSIDE THE HOUSE!”

All of this doesn’t sit too well with Sawyer, and he says that Jacob had no right – that James was doing just fine before Jacob came along and starting mucking about. Jacob calls Sawyer on his B.S., telling them all that they were flawed and lonely before coming to the Island, and their time there has made them realize how much they need the place, as much as it needs them. All part of the process, I suppose. Kate asks why her name was crossed off. Because she became a mother, says Jacob, but it’s just a name in chalk – the job can still be hers if she wants it. Nice bit of creative cover-up there, if you ask me.

Jack asks for details about the job, and Jacob explains about protecting the light at the heart of the Island. He says that they have to protect it from the monster, and do what it is that he failed to do. So, basically you want us to kill him, says Jack. Yup, because if you don’t, he’s certainly going to kill all of you, says Jacob.

Hurley wants to know how Jacob is going to pick, but Jacob says he’s not going to – it’s up to those four to decide, and if they don’t, things are going to end very badly.

Before anyone else has a chance to respond, Jack raises his hand and goes “Ooh ooh! Pick me, pick me!” as if he was getting to be captain of the football team, not guarding the grail for then next millennia. It’s what he’s meant to do, states Jack. Well, duh, says we.

Jacob takes Jack out to a creek and tells Jack that the heart of the Island is out past the bamboo field that Jack woke up in when he first came to the Island. Jack says there’s nothing out there, but Jacob knows there is – and now Jack will be able to find it. Jacob asks for a cup from Jack and while he’s fishing around in his pack, Jacob pulls some water out of the creek and says some latin mumbo jumbo over it. He then takes the cup, dips it in the water and hands it to Jack. Drink up, he says. Jack wants to know how long he’s going to have to do the job. “As long as you can,” says Jacob.

Two guys, one cup.

Jack raises the cup and downs the whole thing. As he lowers the cup, his countenance changes, ever so slightly. He raises his eyes to Jacob, as if a sudden realization has come over him. Jacob smiles. “Now you’re like me.”

Further out in the Jungle of Mystery, Locke and Ben walk toward the well. Ben asks an excellent question – if Locke can just turn to smoke and fly around, why does he bother walking? Locke tells Ben that he likes the feel of his feet on the ground – it reminds him that he was human.

For this week’s episode-inspired drink recipe (the next to last one ever), I thought it would be appropriate to give us a little something special we could all sip for, well, an eternity. Trust me on this one – this is a delicious golden concoction that you’ll want to protect with your life for a very, very long time. THE GRAIL CUP 1 part honey liqueur (Barenjager or even Evan Williams Honey Reserve) 1 part sweet tea vodka (I recommend Jeremiah Weed) 1 part freshly-steeped tea (Lipton is fine, but make sun tea, if you can!) A bit of freshly-squeezed lemon juice Grab a simple cup from your pack – perhaps even something suitable for a carpenter – and fill it with ice. Combine the honey liqueur, sweet tea vodka, fresh tea and lemon juice, grab your special cup and swirl the elixir about, inhaling its intoxicating, life-infused aroma. Drink deeply. Repeat until you feel like you could live a thousand years.

The two soon clear the jungle and approach the well. Locke peers over the edge, telling Ben that this was the well he flung Desmond Hume into a few episodes back. Locke sent Sayid to kill Desmond, but obviously the Iraqi failed to do his job. Ben notices a rope leading down. “Looks like someone helped him out,” he says.

“No, Ben, someone helped me out, ” says Locke, taking a seat on the edge of the stone well.

This intrigues Ben and he asks what Chuck said to Locke before he died. Locke tells Ben that Widmore said Desmond was a failsafe – a backup plan set in motion by Jacob in case Locke was able to kill all the candidates. Ben is stumped, and asks Locke why he’s so happy that Desmond is still alive. The monster explains: because he’s going to find Desmond, and when he does, he’s going to get Desmond to do the one thing that the could never do himself. He’s going to destroy the Island.

Guess that means Ben doesn’t get to keep the Island all to himself.

Cue the THONK!

Typically, the transition episodes just before the finales of Lost tend to be a bit disjointed, and often filled with a lot of “let’s go here, while they go there,” that plays out rather slowly. It’s an inevitable, but necessary, part of the production process, setting things up for the big climax. This episode was, indeed, a transition episode – but unlike many of its predecessors, I thought it kicked some major butt. We saw the return of badass Ben, Ol’ Smokey snuffed out another major recurring character that we all thought might play a more important role in the scheme of things, and the happenings over in LA X ratcheted up to an awesome high. I have to admit that I’m far more excited and intrigued by what’s going on over in the alternaverse than I am on Island Prime right now, and that’s okay. As long as I’m on the edge of my seat about something then Lost is still doing its job.

There’s not a whole lot of analysis this week since everything that’s happened is pretty much prologue, but I have a few thoughts rattling around. Let’s get to it!

THROUGH A MIRROR, DARKLY
It appears as though AlternaHurley has quite the grasp on the happenings of Island Prime because he remembers Ana Lucia quite well. He’s gone far beyond just the few flashes he had when he and Libby had their picnic on the beach. Does he remember everything from his alternate life? Has Hurley’s two conscious minds merged somehow? Perhaps both Hurley and Desmond know what’s at stake – that there is a chance that the reality of LA X could be wiped out forever if actions aren’t taken.

If what we’ve seen recently about the light going out is true, and Ol’ Smokey is ultimately trying to destroy the Island, he is threatening everyone’s very existence. Jacob even said so himself this episode, pointing out to them all when they were telling campfire stories that they and everyone they know and love could be wiped out if Smokey succeeds in his plans. Since Desmond, and possibly Hurley, have the added advantage of knowing what’s happening/has happened/will happen in the alternate timeline, they are free to try and intervene by getting everyone together in LA X and making something happen.

“Let’s see, it’s just about butt-kick o’clock, so we’d better get moving.”

I’m not yet sure what that something is just yet, but I’d bet good money it has to do with the Island. Perhaps Jack fails to protect Island Prime, or he sacrifices himself in order to put an end to Smokey but it also sacrifices the Island. If this is true, then the only way to truly save “reality” is for AlternaDesmond and crew to somehow relight the fire at the heart of the Island. Right now the Island is at the bottom of the Pacific, so that might be a tad difficult. It could involve another submarine and some sort of kick-ass, James Bond-like underwater endeavor. Or perhaps there’s a portal to the Island somewhere in the world; if there’s an “exit” in the Tunisian desert, there may possibly be an “entrance” somewhere else.

These scenarios are very far-fetched speculation at this point, but it’s fun to think about how many ways the finale may play out. Have you all got some crazy ideas of your own? Let’s hear them!

OH, THE HUMANITY
So, Ol’ Smokey can be reminded of his humanity, can he/she/it? I’m speaking, of course, of Locke’s comment to Ben that he prefers to walk than fly about as a wisp of smoke. That can mean one of two things – one, that smokey was human at some point, or two, that he has assumed human form for so long that he feels and believes that he was once human. Either way, this bit of information could be used against him. In his human form, we haven’t witnessed any extraordinary strength – we only know that he appears to be impervious to bullets. If Jack and Co. can manage to keep Smokey in his Locke form – convince him that he should face them all like a man – then they could have a shot at taking down the smoke monster once and for all.

How can they take down an ancient smoke monster that has super strength and is seemingly impervious to harm? I’m glad you asked.

We all know that Ol’ Smokey is susceptible to sound, hence the sonic fences. I would imagine anything that is able to disperse and disrupt the particles that make up his semi-corporeal form would also do the trick. Hence, the shit-ton of C4 that Ben took out of his safe. Remember way back in the finale for season one when Smokey tried to drag Locke down into a Cerberus vent? Sure you do.

Ah, memories. So why was Ol’ Smokey trying to drag Locke away so soon, if he was just going to use him later? That’s a discussion that could drive us all mad.

Anyways, in order to “save” Locke when that happened, Kate threw a piece of the Black Rock dynamite back behind Smokey. When it went off, that seemed to upset the smoke monster, he released his grip on Locke and then took off into the Jungle of Mystery. Whether it was the actual explosion or simply the massive sonic shockwave that seemed to disrupt Smokey doesn’t really matter – the explosion made him let go and run away like a scared rabbit.

Now, let’s imagine that Smokey can be convinced to stay in Locke’s form for a final stand, and make sure that stand is right on top of a whole heap of C4. I imagine that if it that much C4 was detonated point blank on Smokey, the resulting blast would shred anything even remotely corporeal, and the sonic shockwave would scatter his semi-corporeal form halfway across the Pacific. But that’s just a theory.

One final downfall Ol’ Smokey that may be a final piece in the puzzle: despite all the death and destruction that he can wreak, Smokey seems to always have the need for a doomed lackey to do all his dirty work. At the end, it’s Ben again. Ben who has nothing to lose anymore. Ben who has taken care of his need for vengeance and now needs a shot at redemption. Ben who is probably tired of getting dicked around by everybody.

Ben who has a whole mess of C4 squirreled away for a rainy day. I’m just sayin’.

THE RANDOM BITS

The top is from last night’s episode, and the bottom is from “Man of Science, Man of Faith” right after they had blown open the Hatch. I thought this was great symmetry. Both times that Locke is peering down the hole, it’s about looking for Desmond.

I find it incredibly ironic that Desmond is the “failsafe” for the Island, since Desmond turned the failsafe key in the Swan and took the first step towards who and what he was supposed to become.

Why, if Ben was just going to shoot Widmore, did the whole conversation between the two of them occur back in season four in “The Shape of Things to Come,” as if they were the ones that would play out a lifelong game of Senet? That’s somewhat of a disappointing turn of events – that episode completely set things up for Ben and Widmore to be the millennia-long adversaries. Oh well.

So now we know that the golden hole is somewhere near where Jack woke up in the bamboo field. I imagine that will play out in the finale – or at least partly explain why we’re all being treated to the series pilot again on Saturday.

I found it interesting that the episode opened with the mention of Jack’s missing father, but we never see the resolution of that. I’m sure it’ll come into play in the finale, but Desmond sets it all up and then the next thing you know, Jack is talking to Locke in his office and Des is picking up Kate, telling her they have a concert to attend. Isn’t Jack going to wonder why Oceanic hasn’t called him back about the coffin before the concert?

THE LONG GOODBYE
That about wraps it up for this week. I wish I had more thoughts to throw out there, but I need to save some mental and emotional fortitude for the insanity on Sunday, and the week-long recap and analysis festival that’s sure to ensue afterwards. Speaking of emotional, since this is the next to last Down the Hatch ever, I wanted to start the farewells now. There are many, many readers and fans of this column out there, and I appreciate all of you. Over the years, there have been some amazing discussions, comments and wild theories thrown out there, and I want you all to know that, even though I may not always have time to respond, I read and enjoy every single one of them.

On HoboTrashcan, thanks to many of the usual suspects for sticking around through the years: Daniel, Bud, James, zetts, SFoskett, Randy, tld, jonathan, Derek, A in TX and The Baxter for always bringing out the good talking points, lostfan for usually making even my troubled mind hurt (I don’t always understand what you’re saying but I’m glad you’re saying it), Mimi for constantly pointing out something incredibly cool that I missed, everyone who has spread the love on other sites and forums like Slate, and, of course, Joel Murphy for convincing me that 16 weeks out of every year I really don’t need all that much sleep. Oh, and let me not forget Lars – without readers like him, I wouldn’t seem half as smart as I do. My sincerest apologies if I’ve missed someone – if I have, shoot me a comment and I’ll give you some props in the final column. You deserve it!

Over on lostdiscussion.livejournal.com, where Down the Hatch was born, I’d like to thank mancer, beekerzwhirled, asavitzk, kyaraelf, varenn, cgallivan, filigod, rexroof, ashmh, prattlingpeony, flummoxicated, tone_milazzo, feldegast, anonymooz, liz007 and the incomparable makitt for sticking around for a really, really long time, not only encouraging my mad ramblings, but helping the community to survive and flourish throughout the years. I can’t thank you all enough.

Much thanks to sl-Lost.com for spreading the love and word of the column, and reposting it every week. The readers over there have managed to provide some very interesting and unique perspectives over the years. I haven’t understood a lot of it, but I love it, nonetheless!

To all the twitterers who spread the tweet love (especially msrib, sparklej, amandamcpherson and rballen81), my undying gratitude.

To Michael Emerson, thank you for the greatest compliment I could have received as a columnist.

And to my partner in crime, Little C, thanks for pointing out all the little details I might miss and for keeping my crazy brain grounded. You will always give me butterflies.

I’d better go before I get all choked up. Until next week (or Sunday, at the latest), keep thinking those thoughts and if you have an epiphany, tell me something good.

Namaste.

Chris Kirkman is a graphic designer/photographer/journalist/geek extraordinaire with way too many Bruce Campbell movies in his library. Michael Emerson, Lost’s Benjamin Linus, called Kirkman’s recaps “one of the smartest articles I’ve ever read about what goes on on our show.” Kirkman is still hoping that Lost will end when Bob Newhart wakes up next to Suzanne Pleshette, complaining of a strange, strange dream. You can contact him at ckirkman@hobotrashcan.com.