If I were a rich man ...

The second richest man in the world, Warren "Don't call me Jimmy" Buffett, announced this week that he is planning on giving away the bulk of $44 billion dollar fortune. His plan is to donate the money to the Bill & Melinda Gates Foundation and four other charities starting next month. The chairman of Berkshire Hathaway, Inc. will donate 85 percent of his stock (approximately $37.4 billion worth), with about $31 billion going directly to the Gates Foundation.

Now I think everyone (with the possible exception of Buffett's relatives) can agree that this is a cool thing to do. Instead of waiting to have his wealth redistributed after he dies, he decided to donate the money now while he is still alive to see the effects. I like that and I think it makes him a stand-up guy. He's earned my admiration and respect.

But, there's part of me that can't help but think that there are better ways to blow $37.4 billion dollars. You are the second richest dude in the world and you've suddenly decided to get rid of it all, so why not have some fun with it? At the very least, he should have married Anna Nicole Smith right before he gave away all of his money, just to see the look on her face as he unloaded it all.

Now, I know what you are thinking. You are wondering what I would do with $37.4 billion dollars. Well, luckily for you, I have some thoughts ...

The first thing I would do is take a page out of professional card player Phil Gordon's book. Gordon, who made a ton of money at a young age in the business world, decided to go on the ultimate sport's trip. He bought a "tricked out" Winnebago (well, as tricked out as a Winnebago can be) and spent a year hitting every major sporting event, starting and ending at the Super Bowl. Now, I think Gordon's plan is a little extreme (and even he admitted that it was a bit much), but I would get a luxury box at the Super Bowl and invite all of my friends, ringside seats at WrestleMania and front row concert tickets to see all of my favorite bands.

Wait, I have $37.4 billion dollars. I'm still thinking too small. On second thought, I think I'd buy every single ticket to the Super Bowl, then only invite like 30 - 40 friends and have the rest of the seats be empty. Or maybe I'd just hire some of my favorite bands to play a show in my basement. Hell, I could buy half the teams in the NFL along with my favorite bands and make them all hang out with me.

I'd buy a mansion, a few cars, a helicopter and a tank. I would even build a moat around my mansion, complete with a draw bridge. You just never know about your neighbors. Plus, I think I'd buy my own private island. I've always wanted one of those. Maybe I could finally begin my plans to create Old People Island, which I discussed at length on one of our Hobo Radio podcasts. (Of course, if I did have $37.4 billion, I wouldn't have to try to work cheap plugs for our podcast into my columns.)

Then, I would hire a personal assistant, but I would only give him one job. All he would have to do is walk into a room right before I did with a boombox on his shoulder. He'd hit play on the boombox and "Whatever" by Godsmack would begin blaring through the speakers. That way, everywhere I went, I would have my own entrance music. (And if that got old I'd make him do the whole John Cusak Say Anthing deal with the boombox outside my window in the rain.)

I would finance the big screen adaptation of my James Frye-esque memoirs. I, of course, would play myself (the rockstar ninja cowboy from the future) and I'd get Ed Norton to play the leader of the robot biker gang, Naomi Watts to play my nympho stripper girlfriend, Kane as himself and Tyler Perry as Oprah. Hey, it's my movie.

I don't want you to think I would only do selfish things though. I would also use my vast wealth to cure cancer. I would hire all of the top scientists in the world, then I'd give them cancer and lock them in a lab. I bet they'd have a cure within a week. Once they had tackled cancer, I'd have them build me a bad-ass flying car.

These are just a few of the things I would do with my $37.4 billion. Given enough time and alcohol, I think I could come up with plenty of other great ideas, too. My point is - there's still time, Warren Buffett. You can still stiff the Gates Foundation and have some fun with the cash. At the very least, before you blow all of that cash, do the one thing all of us working stiffs would love to do – you know, two chicks at the same time.

Random thought of the week:
Who do you think would win in a fight between Robin and Aquaman?

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.