Tale of the tape

The term “jumping the shark” is used to refer to the moment when something good begins to decline in quality. It was originally used to talk about television shows (which is fitting since the term is actually a reference to one of the last episodes of Happy Days where Fonzie did, in fact, jump over a shark on his motorcycle), but is now used to talk about anything in life that has passed its prime. It’s a great term, though perhaps it’s become a little overused (which, ironically, could lead to the term one day jumping the shark itself).

I bring this up because I think that there may be another addition to the shark jumping list very soon – the celebrity sex tape. And, if you are looking to pinpoint the exact moment that the celebrity sex tape “pulled a Fonz,” it will be when Screech from Saved by the Bell joins the club.

Celebrity sex tapes have been around for some time now (just ask Roman Polanski or Rob Lowe), but they really came into fashion in 1998 when Pamela Anderson’s tape with rocker Tommy Lee (there is actually a law that requires you to refer to him as “rocker” Tommy Lee at all times) was released on the Internet. Critics agree that the film is by far Pam Anderson’s finest work. The immediacy of the Internet allowed millions of people to view the footage instantly at the click of a button. It’s at that moment that the celebrity sex tape was suddenly in fashion. Showing pink was the new black.

From there, the next big milestone for celebrity sex tapes came (no pun intended) when some toolbox named Rick Salomon released a tape he made with Paris Hilton. The tape included some innovations, including the use of night vision technology, and brought some new life to the celebrity sex tape phenomenon. Plus, it’s the first time most people ever saw Paris Hilton do anything useful.

Things started to get shaky after that. Suddenly, celebrity sex tapes began springing up left and right. Former WWE wrestler (and former man) Chyna, Jenna Lewis from Survivor and rapper Eve all got in on the action. And, male celebrities started releasing tapes too (including Bam Margera, Fred Durst and Tom Sizemore). Plus, there is apparently a 45-minute tape featuring Kid Rock and Scott Stapp from Creed having sex with four groupies on a tour bus, which Kid Rock has been trying to block the release of.

The market was suddenly oversaturated. Every washed-up celebrity looking to extend their 15 minutes of fame suddenly had a tape “accidentally” leaked on the web. It became a way to get people to talk about you again (or, in Fred Durst’s case, a way to prove that he has actually had sex before). Sex tapes started to become commonplace.

It was only a matter of time before the whole fad got old. It was a good thing, but it couldn’t last forever. I think that the release of the Dustin Diamond sex tape will be the final blow (again, no pun intended). I just don’t think the world is ready to see Screech Powers engage in sexual acts. The tape is rumored to be incredibly kinky and strange, including the famed “Dirty Sanchez.”

This wouldn’t be the first time that Dustin Diamond was involved in shark jumping. He was around for both Saved by the Bell: The College Years and Saved by the Bell: The New Class, so he has an Evil Knievel-like knack for hurdling sharks.

I hope I’m wrong. I hope that somehow we can find a way to save this entertainment format. Sure, it’s been abused and, in the wrong celebrity’s hands it can be horrifying, but it’s too good to lose forever. Besides, think of all of the poor, untalented actresses out there who need a way to feed their families.

That’s why I think it is time for some reform. I think we need to step up and start laying down some guidelines. I think with a little bit of effort and ingenuity, we can save this dying trend.

First of all, we need to improve the quality. It makes no sense that these actors and actresses are making tapes with bad lighting and poor angles. Too many of these tapes rely on shaky handheld cameras or a stationary camera set up over in the corner that never moves or zooms in. I know that this adds to the whole illusion that the tape was some spur of the moment, amatuer endeavor, but let’s be honest here. These tapes aren’t getting accidentally released. Not anymore. Any celebrity that makes a sex tape knows what they are getting in for.

So why not get directors? Why not get a whole production crew? Let’s get some good lighting and better angles. You might not be able to convince Steven Spielberg to get involved, but I’m pretty sure M. Night Shyamalan needs work.

The next problem is the guys. Let’s be honest here – more men watch these sex tapes than women. So let’s put an end to male celebrities leaking tapes with just them and some unknown female. I’m not saying male celebrities shouldn’t be allowed in sex tapes, but they just shouldn’t have top billing. So, if Screech wants to be in a sex tape, he has to get Elizabeth Berkley or Lark Voorhies to appear with him.

In fact, I think all celebrity sex tapes should have to feature two celebrities. No more Paris Hilton and some random dude. From here on out, it should be Paris Hilton and Verne Troyer or Paris Hilton and Mr. T or even Paris Hilton and herpes.

So let’s save this dying art form before it’s too late. If we act now, we can restore the genre to its former glory. But, if we don’t, I’m afraid it won’t be too long before Henry Winkler is having sex in a shark tank.

Random thought of the week:
I like pancakes.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.