Eat fresh

According to The Best Week Ever's website (one of the most trusted sources in Internet journalism), when Subway spokesman Jared Fogel was a (still overweight) college student at Indiana University, he ran a very lucrative pornography rental company out of his bedroom. The story goes on to say that Jared's porn collection was "vast and extensive."

There are so many things that disturb me about this story. The first, and most obvious, is Jared's blatant disregard for federal copyright laws. If he had paid attention to the beginning of his porno films, he would have seen a message similar to this: "Federal law provides severe civil and criminal penalties for the unauthorized reproduction, distribution or exhibition of video discs. Criminal copyright infringement is investigated by the FBI and may constitute a felony with a maximum penalty of up to five years in prison and/or a $250,000 fine." But, most likely, Jared used his Cheeto-stained fingers to skip by this warning, in order to get to the "good parts" of How Stella Got Her Tube Packed.

Now, I'm a reasonable man, so I'm willing to look past a clear violation of federal copyright laws (unless a member of the FBI is actually reading this column, in which case I say Jared should fry). But another thing that disturbs me about this story is the idea that people would rent porn from some guy's personal collection. I understand that these were college kids, so they were probably up to their neck in student loan debt and didn't have any cash to spend on their own porn (apparently, Jared only charged one dollar per rental). But the thought of renting a tape that countless other college kids (and probably Jared himself) had touched after tickling their Elmo is just disgusting. I was never that into science, but I can just image what one of those tapes must have looked like under a microscope. I know that when you go into your average Subway, the "sandwich artist" taking your order always puts on a clean pair of gloves before handling your footlong, but something tells me Jared and his college buddies didn't bring that same level of hygiene to their personal life.

While that thought alone makes me want to barf up the delicious honey mustard chicken sub I ate at Quiznos today (it was MMMM ... toasty), that's not what creeps me out the most. What I can't get over is the disturbing thought of Jared the Subway guy owning a "vast and extensive"collection of pornographic tapes. Up until I saw this story, I just always imagined that Jared was a eunuch. I thought his life consisted of eating Subway sandwiches and buying sensible slacks. He never really seemed like a sexual deviant.

Of course, I guess that side has been there all along, I just never noticed it. In fact, this new revelation sheds some light on that commercial where he stares deep into Michael Strahan's eyes and shouts "More meat!"

It's just weird to try to imagine college-aged Jared. I never put much thought into his life before his Subway fame. But now I wonder how many of his classmates at Indiana University saw him waving his fat jeans around on national television and thought, "Hey, that's the dude I rented Sperms of Endearment from."

Maybe it's time that Subway finally let Jared go. We all know Jared's "amazing" weight loss story and somehow I doubt the use of the Jared Fogel name is helping to sell a lot of submarine sandwiches. Jared's 15 minutes have been up for years and, if they do fire him, he has a lucrative career in video pornography to fall back on.

Besides, if Subway really wants to sell some sandwiches, they should stop worrying about their advertising campaign and start focusing on making subs that don't taste like ass. Their product is inferior to Quiznos in every way (including advertising - those Quiznos commercials with the two singing creatures were awesome) and they have no clue how to actually toast a sub. Seriously, how difficult is it to toast a fucking sub? It must be tough, because the few times I've ordered a toasted sub from Subway, I've been given a footlong pile of suck. Really, it's no miracle that Jared lost all that weight - if I had to eat Subway every day, I wouldn't have much of an appetite either.

So do the right thing, Subway. Send Jared back to his house of porn, then teach your "sandwich artists" how to make food that actually tastes good. And, in the meantime, we can all focus our attention on the skeletons in other fast food pitchmen's closets - like Ronald McDonald's raging meth habit.

Random Thought of the Week:
I've often thought that Internet petitions were a huge waste of time. But there is one cause that I wholeheartedly support and I strongly encourage you all to lend your name to a good cause.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.