Boob Tube breakdown

September is one of my favorite times of the year. After suffering through a boring summer of lackluster television programs, this is the time when TV actually starts to get good again.

There are two shows that I have been waiting anxiously all summer for their return - House and The Office. That means that the rest of my TV-watching week is wide open. Luckily, the four big networks are unleashing a slew of new television shows this fall. Like every other fall, some of these shows will be good, some will be bad and quite a few will be cancelled.

To help keep track of all of the new shows being released this fall, I have assembled this handy TV preview, complete with witty comments and opinions by yours truly:

Back to You - Fox (Wednesdays at 8 PM)
Synopsis: In the 90's, the local TV news scene in Pittsburgh was dominated by one team: Chuck Darling (Kelsey Grammer, Frasier, Cheers) and Kelly Carr (Patricia Heaton, Everybody Loves Raymond). They had that elusive quality all news teams need: chemistry ... at least on-screen. Off-screen, Chuck was a bit of a self-centered womanizer, Kelly a bit of an uptight know-it-all. So when Chuck got the call to move up to a larger market, no tears were shed.

But after an embarrassing on-air tirade ended up on the Internet, Chuck found himself on the downswing career-wise. He even questioned whether his lifestyle of chasing women and living in hotels was as exciting as it used to be. So when he got the call to return to Pittsburgh, to reunite with Kelly and try to take the newscast back to No. 1, it was an offer he couldn't refuse.

My take: Fraiser and the wife from Everybody Loves Raymond reenact Anchorman. Glad to see Hollywood can still churn out fresh, innovative ideas.

The Big Bang Theory - CBS (Mondays at 8:30 PM)
Synopsis: Meet two brainiacs with a lot to learn. Leonard and Sheldon can tell their quarks from their quantum physics, but have no clue how women add up. Leave it to their pretty new neighbor, just off a messy breakup, to teach them a thing or two in The Big Bang Theory.

My take: Do yourself a favor and just go rent Weird Science instead.

Big Shots - ABC (Thursdays at 10 PM)
Synopsis: The lines between boardroom and bedroom blur in Big Shots, the story of four friends who are at the top of their game ... until the women in their lives enter the room. These competitive but dysfunctional New York CEOs take refuge in their friendship, discussing business, confiding secrets, seeking advice and supporting one another through life's twists and turns.

My take: "The lines between boardroom and bedroom blur ..." That might explain the companies' new "No Pants Fridays." I also enjoy the line: "Four friends who are at the top of their game ... until the women in their lives enter the room." Women ruin everything.

Bionic Woman - NBC (Wednesdays at 9 PM)
Synopsis: Struggling as a bartender and surrogate mom to her teenage sister, Jaime Sommers (Michelle Ryan, EastEnders) didn't think life could get much harder. But when a devastating car accident leaves her at death's door, Jaime's only hope for survival is a cutting-edge, top-secret technology that comes at a hefty price. With a whole new existence and a debt to re-pay, Jaime must figure out how to use her extraordinary abilities for good, while weighing the personal sacrifices she will have to make. Ultimately, it's Jaime's journey of self-discovery and inner strength that will help her embrace her new life as the Bionic Woman.

My take: "Jaime's journey of self-discovery and inner strength ..." Look, I know she's the Bionic Woman, but do they have to turn the show into a Lifetime movie?

Cane - CBS (Tuesdays at 10 PM)
Synopsis: Emmy winner Jimmy Smits returns to series television as the newly proclaimed heir to the Duque family's sugar cane and rum empire. Starring a stunning ensemble cast, it's a steamy and seductive drama about bitter rivals and their dangerous battles for love, lust and wealth. Mix with a twist and you have a potent blend for the season's most sizzling saga.

My take: Someone writing copy for CBS really loves alliteration (or hates the creative writing team member with a lisp): "Starring a stunning," "steamy and seductive," "the season's most sizzling saga." Jesus, I'm having flashbacks to when I had to go to speech classes once a week in elementary school to read all about "Sammy the Snake."

Carpoolers - ABC (Tuesdays at 8:30 PM)
Synopsis: There are men who actively try and figure out the world - together. These men are more complicated than we might think - they have hopes, ambitions, families, careers and insecurities. These men are the Carpoolers; four guys, living different versions of the modern suburban family life who obsess, dream and strategize as they rocket their way up and down the carpool lane every day.

My take: While I was typing this sentence, this show was actually just cancelled.

Cavemen - ABC (Tuesdays at 8 PM)
Synopsis: They have been around since the dawn of time, survived the Ice Age and witnessed the evolution of the Homo sapiens, making them one of the world's oldest minorities. Keeping mostly to themselves over the millennia and living in remote communities, a small number of cavemen - and cavewomen - have been slowly migrating from these sub-societies and attempting to acclimate themselves to the Homo sapien world. Needless to say, this has proven difficult.

Meet three cavemen who have successfully made the move to San Diego and are just trying to fit in. Joel (Bill English) is a sophisticated and intelligent man who has a beautiful girlfriend, a decent job and shares an apartment with his younger brother, Andy (Sam Huntington, Superman Returns), and his best friend, Nick (Nick Kroll, VH1's Best Week Ever). Nick is wary of the Homo sapien world and feels like he's running away from his heritage. Andy, on the other hand, looks at this new world with his eyes wide open and is willing to take risks in order to learn and to live life to the fullest.

My take: Not only is this a television show that is based on a series of Geico commercials that stopped being funny months ago, critics also accused the pilot of being racists towards black people. Way to go, ABC. Keep making Walt Disney proud.

Chuck - NBC (Mondays at 8 PM)
Synopsis: From executive producer Josh Schwartz (The O.C.) and executive producer-director McG (Charlie's Angels, We Are Marshall) comes a one-hour, action-comedy series about Chuck Bartowski (Zachary Levi, Less Than Perfect) - a computer geek who is catapulted into a new career as the government's most vital secret agent. When Chuck opens an e-mail subliminally encoded with government secrets, he unwittingly downloads an entire server of sensitive data into his brain. Now, the fate of the world lies in the unlikely hands of a guy who works at a Buy More Electronics store.

My take: I have to admit, this show sounds intriguing (though unoriginal). However, my only complaint is that Josh Schwartz and McG, the powerhouses behind The O.C., couldn't get Adam Brody to play Chuck. I know Brody had a cameo in Mr & Mrs. Smith playing a similar role, but no one else in Hollywood is original - why start now? Besides, Super Spy Seth Cohen would have made for a much better show.

Dirty Sexy Money - ABC (Wednesdays at 10 PM)
Synopsis: Power, privilege and family money are a volatile cocktail.

Living proof of this are the Darlings of New York City, so absurdly wealthy, they put the "upper" in Upper East Side. This preeminent family is always getting mixed up with the wrong people and finding themselves in the middle of bad situations. It'll take a miracle to take care of the legal and sometimes illegal needs of the Darling family.

My take: When I was typing the name above, I zoned out and wrote "Dirty Sexy Monkey," which I think would have been a much better show.

Journeyman - NBC (Mondays at 10 PM)
Synopsis: From Emmy Award-winning writer-producer Kevin Falls (The West Wing), Journeyman is a romantic mystery-drama about Dan Vasser (Kevin McKidd, Rome), a San Francisco newspaper reporter and family man who inexplicably begins to travel through time and change people's lives. Along the way, he must also deal with the difficulties and stress at work and home brought on by his sudden disappearances.

My take: I love that he "inexplicably" travels through time. I imagine a bunch of guys sat around a table trying to figure out how the lead character is able to go back in time ("Tricked-out DeLorean? Quantum Leap Accelerator? Fuck it; we'll just make it 'inexplicable.'")

K-Ville - Fox (Mondays at 9 PM)
Synopsis: From writer and executive producer Jonathan Lisco (NYPD Blue, The District) comes K-Ville, a heroic police drama set - and filmed - in New Orleans. Two years after Katrina, parts of the city are still in chaos, but hope has emerged. Battling an upsurge of violence, understaffing of police forces and a lack of crime labs and other facilities, the cops who remain in the New Orleans Police Department have courage to burn and a passion to reclaim and rebuild their city.

My take: New Orleans has been through so much in the wake of Hurricane Katrina, do we really need to torture them more with this Anthony Anderson cop drama?

Kid Nation - CBS (Wednesdays at 8 PM)
Synopsis: 40 Kids have 40 days to build a brave new world without adults to help or hinder their efforts. Can they do it? These kids, ages 8-15, will turn a ghost town into their new home. They will cook their own meals, clean their own outhouses, haul their own water and even run their own businesses including the old town saloon (root beer only). Through it all, they'll cope with regular childhood emotions and situations: homesickness, peer pressure and the urge to break every rule they've ever known.

My take: Generally, I'm not a big fan of reality television, but this show sounds awesome. It's about as close to The Lord of the Flies as you can get on primetime TV. There have even been reports that one child was burned by grease and four others accidentally drank bleach. What's not to love?

Life - NBC (Wednesdays at 10 PM)
Synopsis: From Rand Ravich (The Astronaut's Wife), Far Shariat (Confessions of a Dangerous Mind) and David Semel, who directed the pilot of NBC's Heroes, Life is a new drama about a detective who is given a second chance. Damian Lewis (Band of Brothers) stars as complex, offbeat Detective Charlie Crews, who returns to the force after years in prison, thanks to close friend and attorney Constance Griffiths, after serving time in prison for a crime he didn't commit.

My take: I'm guessing the show's title is meant to convey the fact that Detective Crews could have served life in prison or that he is attempting to reclaim his life after being wrongfully accused of a crime. But honestly, when I hear Life, I think breakfast cereal. So, unless you have a lucrative product placement deal in the works, I suggest you change the title, NBC.

Moonlight - CBS (Fridays at 9 PM)
Synopsis: Mick St. John is a private investigator who has truly seen it all after being bitten by his vampire bride on their wedding night 60 years ago. He now lives between two realities, fighting his adversaries among the undead while being in love with a mortal woman. St. John must cautiously balance these two lives before they clash, proving that life's gravest dangers are found in the moonlight.

My take: Awww, St. John's vampire bride waited until their wedding night to bite into his jugular vain ... that's so sweet and old fashioned. Much classier than these teenage vampires today, sucking the blood of any guy who shows the slightest bit of interest in them.

Private Practice - ABC (Wednesdays at 9 PM)
Synopsis: From Shonda Rhimes, the Golden Globe-winning creator of Grey's Anatomy comes a story about finding a way to begin the rest of your life. Addison Forbes Montgomery is a renowned surgeon. Having left behind Seattle Grace Hospital, a broken marriage with Derek "McDreamy" Shepherd, and her torn relationship with Mark "McSteamy" Sloan, Addison moves to Los Angeles for sunnier weather and happier possibilities.

My take: Sure, Taye Diggs is hot, but he's no McDreamy. Still, it's just nice to see Diggs working again, which was not a sure thing after his failed Black Groundhog Day experiment.

Pushing Daises - ABC (Wednesdays at 10 PM)
Synopsis: Once upon a time, Director Barry Sonnenfeld (Men In Black, Get Shorty, The Addams Family) and Writer-Producer Bryan Fuller (Heroes, Wonderfalls, Dead Like Me) created an unprecedented blend of romance, crime procedural and high-concept fantasy. It is a love story about a young man with a very special gift ... the ability to return someone dead briefly back to life with just a simple touch.

Ned, a mild-mannered baker of fabulous pies, discovered his gift as a child. Now he puts his gift to good use, working with his only friend, a private investigator, to crack murder cases by asking victims to name their killers. But the tale gets complicated, as all tales do, when he saves his childhood sweetheart and she miraculously stays alive. Each week, she encourages him to use his powers to solve mysteries and help others. Life would be perfect, except for one cruel twist: if Ned ever touches her again, she'll lose the life he gave her, for good this time. There's always a catch ...

My take: It sounds like a really interesting concept, but after being burned by Carnivale and John From Cincinnati, I'm just not sure that I'm ready to love a quirky, offbeat drama again.

Samantha Who? - ABC (Mondays at 9:30 PM)
Synopsis: What if you had the chance to start over, to do it all again? For Samantha Newly (Christina Applegate), this fantasy becomes a reality after a hit-and-run accident leaves her in an eight-day coma. When she awakens in the hospital, she is surrounded by family and friends. The only problem is that she has no idea who they are - or who she is. In medical terms, Sam has retrograde amnesia, which allows her to fully function in the world but leaves her with no personal memories. Most people would deem this disorder a curse. But Sam may come to call it a miracle.

As she sets out to rediscover herself, Sam is forced to rely on the only people who can help her - an eclectic bunch of friends and family. Although now strangers to Sam, it's not long before she begins to get an idea of who she was before the accident.

My take: An amnesia story? Seriously? Yeah, because that's not one of the most overused plot devices in Hollywood today. They should rename this show Samantha Who Gives a Shit?

Viva Laughlin - CBS (Sunday at 8 PM)
Synopsis: Hugh Jackman comes to primetime as executive producer (with a recurring guest role) in Viva Laughlin. This riveting series is based on the BBC smash Viva Blackpool. Part drama, part thriller, part musical, Viva Laughlin chronicles the story of Ripley Holden, a man who wrestles personally and professionally to open a casino in the desert city of Laughlin, Nevada. Against all odds, Ripley strives to support his family while pursuing his ultimate goal ... the American dream.

My take: Since there is no way in hell anyone is actually watching this show, let me edit down the above plot synopsis into a show that might actually be interesting: "Hugh Jackman ... wrestles ... professionally ... in the desert ... while pursuing ... the American dream." Wolverine taking on wrestling legend Dusty Rhodes in the desert? Now I'm tuning in.

Women's Murder Club - ABC (Fridays at 9 PM)
Synopsis: When you are a woman working in a man's field, you get a lot further by teaming up. Two-time Emmy Award-winning Director/Producer Scott Winant (Huff, thirtysomething) adapts the best-selling novels by James Patterson for a thrilling new crime series that redefines women's work.

San Francisco Detective Lindsay Boxer (Angie Harmon, Law & Order) can analyze a crime scene in seconds, but she's frustrated that investigating and prosecuting a crime can take months or even years. To circumvent the Justice Department men's club, she assembles an all-female group of experts - a medical examiner, a newspaper reporter and a young assistant district attorney. And because personal lives often blend into professional ones, they also become reliable friends. These women solve the latest homicides while unraveling the mysteries of their own turbulent romantic lives.

My take: Something tells me that in reality, the show will be more like this: "she assembles an all-female group of experts - a snobby blonde ex-cheerleader; a fiery, promiscuous redhead and a brunette bookworm with glasses and a ponytail." I also love that the team will "solve the latest homicides while unraveling the mysteries of their own turbulent romantic lives." You know, because nothing puts you in the mood for an in-depth talk about your dating life quite like a quadruple homicide.

Random Thought of the Week:
The grocery store near my apartment was selling UTZ Crab Chips this weekend. And I just found out that they are building a Chipotle three miles away from me.

Apparently, I'm like one of those animals that is moved into a new environment and completely changes the entire ecosystem. Boston is slowly adapting to me.

Now, if I can just get them to build a Chick-fil-a close by, the transformation will be complete.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.