You can take it with you

I've been quite honest with all of you since day one that if the right offer came along, I would sell out in an instant. If Wal-Mart or Comcast or any of the other companies that I loathe approached me and offered to buy out HoboTrashcan for a pretty penny, I'd be on my own private island sipping mojitos before the ink was even dry on the contract. I'd use my super-powered laptop to write columns saying things like, "I can't believe what a whore Lindsay Lohan is, just like I can't believe the super low prices at Wal-Mart."

And, while I'm not sure if I will ever get this opportunity to sell out in my lifetime, I have stumbled across a pretty great way to whore myself out for cash once I'm dead. It's seems Paranormalist Jim Callahan is offering one million dollars to anyone who is willing to work for him once they are deceased.

"Who is Jim Callahan?" you are hopefully asking yourself at this point, since I am planning on answering that question in the next paragraph.

Jim Callahan is a paranormalist competing on a show no one has ever heard of called Phenomenon (which sadly has nothing to do with the movie made by John Travolta back before he became a scary crossdresser). Last night, Callahan got a bit of mainstream attention when one of the show's judges - Criss Angel - confronted him after his performance.

Callahan's act last night consisted of writhing around on stage while communicating with his dead wingman, Raymond Putman Hill, who died in 1980. Putman, no doubt possessing the secrets of the universe and the meaning of life now that he has "crossed over," was used by Callahan to identify the contents of a box on stage (the box contained a toy car).

Angel, clearly unimpressed by this amazing show of paranormal activity, challenged Callahan to an impromptu show of his abilities. Angel offered Callahan a million dollars of his own money if his dead buddy Hill could explicitly describe the contents of an envelope Angel had in his pocket.

Now, as we all know, Callahan could have easily claimed that million dollars and shown the world just how real his abilities are ... but he didn't. Instead, he called Angel an "ideological bigot" and attempted to get in Angel's face, I guess in an attempt to handle this dispute in the way it should be resolved - with fists.

Clearly impressed by Callahan's genius retort to that no good ideological bigot, I decided to check out Callahan's website to see if there was some way I could shower him in praise. That's when I discovered his offer to pay dead people one million dollars to perform with him.

Sounds like a pretty sweet deal, doesn't it? Think about it - all of the other poor dead schlubs out there are working their dead-end (no pun intended) jobs while you do a few shows a week with a truly talented showman and make a few quick bucks in the process. Then, you are free to spend the rest of your time in the afterlife hanging out at Jesus' white parties, eating caviar and swapping drunken stories with Benjamin Franklin and Thomas Jefferson. Think about how impressed those two cats will be when you whip out a huge stack of bills - with their faces on them.

Now, I'm sure at this point you are just as ready as I am to get this cherry postmortem gig lined up. So, since I'm a nice guy, I'll give you all of the info you need to make this dream a reality.

First off, here is the disclaimer pulled directly from Callahan's website:

$1,000,000.00 will be paid to the first lucky person to join the show as a deceased employee of Applied Thought Technologies, LLC, who is able to manifest in a recognizable likeness/visage of him or her self on a consistent basis (what would commonly be referred to as a three-dimensional apparition or ghost). This person may not be aided in this task by any person other than Paranormalist Jim Callahan. Participant must agree to take payment from profits made from DVD sales, broadcast fees and live performances. Participant will be paid one half of profits from the above mentioned sources until the limit of $1,000,000.00 has been reached.

After that point, the participant/deceased employee is free to negotiate further for profit appearances at his or her own discretion and will be under no obligation to continue in the employ of Applied Thought Technologies, LLC. All others chosen and are able to participate in my experiments or performances after their deaths will be compensated $25.00 per show.

Sounds pretty sweet, right? Sure, your million dollars comes from profits from DVDs and live performances, but a true talent like Callahan probably makes that kind of dough in a week. The only real hitch is that, to make the big bucks, you have to be the first to die (since $25 a pop for gigs won't get you into those sweet afterlife parties, especially not in this economy).

Perhaps you are thinking of killing yourself to jump to the front of the line. Well, I have some sad news for you friends, that is against the rules. "Those who commit suicide are not eligible for a position in this current show and will not be considered for inclusion in our database, nor are those who are murdered by those wishing to get someone into the show." While that certainly puts a damper on things, there is a little bit of light at the end of the tunnel: "Those who will be dead as a result of capital punishment or euthanasia will be considered on a case by case basis."

Sure, the government is trying to halt all capital punishment until the Supreme Court can rule on a big appeal, but you can always roll the dice and get euthanized. Or, perhaps you will really luck out and get hit by a bus on your way home tonight or diagnosed with some sort of terminal disease.

While I am definitely hoping to take advantage of Callahan's generous job offer myself, I can't help but feel disappointed that Robert Goulet didn't hear about his before his tragic death. I love Goulet and it would have been great if he could have gotten this contract signed so that he could serenade Callahan and his audiences during shows. You know he would have given it his all.

Still, I think of myself as a bit of a showman and I really think I could help Callahan freshen up his act. I mean, his current spirit wingman has been dead since the 80s, which I'm sure dates the act. What if the object hidden in a box onstage is an iPod or a Tivo? Raymond Putman Hill would be no help in identifying it.

So, if you will all excuse me, I'm going to wrap this column up so that I can go fill out my application. Sure, I'm only in my 20s and am fairly healthy, so I might not end up being the lucky million dollar winner, but it's worth a shot. I've got to do something with my time while I'm waiting for Wal-Mart to call me.

Random Thought of the Week:
With the looming Hollywood writers strike, I'd just like to tell all of you television executives that I have the completed manuscript for my pilot about a rock star ninja cowboy from the future who comes back to our time to stop a robot biker gang and their pet dinosaur from setting off a bomb during the main event of Wrestlemania and I am more than willing to work as a scab writer.

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.