Taking a menopause

While ABC is probably best known as the genius network that brought us hilarious and innovative sitcoms like According to Jim, Carpoolers and Cavemen, apparently the network also airs a show called Desperate Housewives, which stars a bunch of horny elderly women (it's sort of a less sexy version of Cocoon). The show's new season debuted this past Sunday and one of the "jokes" in the episode has angered people in the Philippines.

Teri Hatcher's character, Susan, was getting examined by her gynecologist, who informed her she was going through menopause (which, I have to say, sounds like an incredibly sexy plotline). Susan, offended by the doctor's comments, replied, "Okay, before we go any further, can I check these diplomas? Just to make sure they aren't, like, from some med school in the Philippines?"

So naturally, because no one has a fucking sense of humor anymore, people in the Philippines flipped out. Angry viewers called the network to complain and more than 30,000 people signed an online petition seeking an apology from ABC.

And, of course, ABC caved and issued an apology saying: "There was no intent to disparage the integrity of any aspect of the medical community in the Philippines." They also mentioned that they are considering editing the line out of future airings of the episode.

Stories like this really make me hate society, mostly because people need to lighten the fuck up. First of all, it's Desperate Housewives, not 60 Minutes. I seriously doubt someone is basing their medical decisions on an ABC sitcom. So fear not Filipino doctors, I'm sure your patients won't start canceling appointments in droves now that Teri Hatcher has condemned you on a sitcom.

Although, hearing about the public outrage makes me not want to go to any doctor who got their medical license in the Philippines. Not because I think they are bad doctors, but because it annoys me that they can't take a joke (because laughter is the best medicine, after all ... well, morphine is the best medicine, but laughter is a close second).

I was recently alarmed to discover that the doctor I visited for a number of years back in Maryland actually got his medical license from the Universidad Central Del Este in the Dominican Republic. This news was particularly troubling to me considering he was perhaps the whitest doctor I've ever seen in my life and I really couldn't imagine a reason why he would go to a college in the Dominican Republic unless, of course, he failed to get into any of the schools in the US.

He was a pretty terrible doctor. His main method of diagnosis consisted of telling patients that they were overweight, regardless of whether or not that had anything to do with their symptoms. "You broke your leg playing basketball? Hmm, you should probably try to drop a few pounds." "You have brain cancer? Maybe if you lay off the pudding pops, this won't happen."

Now that I live in Boston, I found a new doctors' office that hopefully is filled with competent doctors who graduated from Ivy League colleges. I'm not actually sure about the doctors because I haven't been able to make an appointment with one. My Boston doctor want a copy of my charts from my Maryland doctor, but apparently my Maryland doctor's office is too incompetent to handle the request.

On August 16, I went into my Boston doctor's office and filled out a form requesting that my Maryland doctor mail a copy of my medical records to the Boston doctor. The Maryland doctor's office finally processed this request yesterday, seven weeks after they received the request. Apparently, the reason it took so long was because they have a special company that comes in and copies the medical files for them (because everyone working for the office is apparently too stupid to work a copy machine) and this outside company only comes in every six weeks. Thank God I am only trying to go in to my new doctor's office for a checkup and I don't have anything seriously wrong with me, otherwise I would be dead by now.

The most frustrating thing over the past seven weeks (besides being forced to wait seven weeks) is that no one there was helpful whenever I called to find out the status of my request. It's only within the past few days that I found out this outside company only comes in once every six weeks and, for all I know, the doctor's office made that up just to get me to stop yelling at them.

Every time I called, I would be put on hold for at least a half an hour. Then, once I got an actual person, that person was never able to tell me what was going on. Usually, the person would just say that he/she had to look into the matter and would call me back, which, of course, the person never did. So I would be forced to call them back, at which point they would make up an answer just to get me off the phone. Lather, rinse, repeat for seven weeks.

But luckily, the morons eventually got their act together and supposedly my records should be on their way to Boston (just as soon as I pay $17 for the privilege of finally having my records copied). Then, I will never have to deal with the Maryland doctor's office again.

Hopefully, my new doctor in Boston will have his act together. And hopefully, he got his medical license somewhere other than the Philippines - the last thing I need is him telling me I'm going through menopause.

Random Thought of the Week:
It is rumored that Will Smith's production company, Overbook Entertainment, is working on remaking The Karate Kid, with Will Smith's son Jaden set to star in it. Without Ralph Macchio, William Zabka and the late Pat Morita, there is no point making a Karate Kid movie, but that doesn't seem to matter to the soulless, uncreative suits running Hollywood.

I honestly believe that at this point we are about two years away from a remake of Citizen Kane starring John O'Hurley as Charles Foster Kane, Dane Cook as the reporter trying to uncover the meaning of Kane's last words and Verne Troyer as "Rosebud the talking sled."

Joel Murphy is the creator of HoboTrashcan, which is probably why he has his own column. He also has some really hot friends. You can contact him at murphyslaw@hobotrashcan.com.