Wisdom of the ages?

This past week I celebrated my 35th birthday. Well, "celebrated" might be a bit of a misstatement. More like "tried like hell to forget that I'm actually that old, but nobody will fucking let me, so I have to sit here with a shit eating smile on my face every time someone brings it up and act like I'm cool with being almost middle aged while mentally I'm still a frolicking 24 year old." Still, I'd be lying if I said I wasn't marginally excited that I had survived everything that life threw at me up until this point and still managed to kind of come out on top. Hell, turning 35 with things in my life as they are is actually an accomplishment. As my father sagely pointed out to me recently on a visit to my house, I didn't turn out half bad. To his surprise, I actually did better than he feared. Nothing like a little parental support to cheer you up, huh?

A lot can be said about getting older, and you can bet your ass most of it isn't very pretty. Thirty five is that delicate age between 30 (I'm finally a real adult and had better start acting like it) and 40 (If I admit that guy is cute people will think I'm a pedophile). In fact, it's so in between that it's basically forgotten. Other than the occasional e-mail that someone sends me with the droll subject line of "Sakes alive, Marie's 35!!!!!!" not much is made of turning 35. To me, in my small mind, 35 is a milestone year right up there with Sweet 16, becoming "legal" at 21, car insurance rates dropping at 25 and admitting your life is over at 30. But apparently the folks at Hallmark don't think so. As I was shopping for Mother's Day cards, I just happened to find myself in the birthday section, and I randomly glanced at cards that I thought would be great if someone bought one for me. I found all the requisite landmark birthdays listed above, including the obvious ones for turning 40, 50, 60 and dead. But no cards for 35!! In fact, there were no cards for 45 (I guess it's time to start driving a mini van painted robin's egg blue), 55 (Can I get my discount at Denny's yet?), 65 (Social Security, here I come) and 75 (Wow, plaid polyester really does look good).

So why is it that after a certain point birthdays are only made a big deal out of at the decade markers? Is it that because after 30 we're all collectively trying to forget the years in between each reminder of how much closer to death we really are? To prove my point, have you checked the children's section? They get cards for being 14.7 minutes old, for being 17.5 months old, and for being eight years old. What's the big deal about being eight years old? I don't even remember being eight years old. That was over a quarter century ago. (Ouch. That reality bites.)

Speaking of things that remind you of how pathetically old you are, I've been watching VH-1 Classic this month because they deemed May "Metal Month." (Makes "devil horns" with fingers and bangs head.) That's when they play all the hair bands that I lusted after in high school. The thing that really pissed me off though was that this commercial for some "best of" Poison CD kept talking about "20 years of music" or some such nonsense. All the fuzzy feel good vibes I was getting from watching Def Leppard videos and reminiscing about my younger days vanished in a flash. Has it really been 20 years since I was clamoring for their records??? I was feeling so young watching those videos and reliving my misspent youth, but that quickly deteriorated into the realization that I'm two steps sideways from a certain Bowling For Soup song. What the hell have I been doing with my life??? I still feel like I'm just out of high school. There's no way almost 20 years has passed. Let this be a lesson for you kids: Don't smoke too much weed. It fucks with your recall ability.

One thing that pisses me off about getting older is the difference that society puts on men and women. For a woman in today's society, being anything older than 27 just makes you undesirable, like a soggy banana whose shelf life has long since passed. For men, they actually get sexier as they get older. Why is it that there is such a premium put on women to always look like they are below 30 otherwise they are deemed a "hag," but men can get gray and wrinkly and a little saggy around the edges, but he becomes "distinguished." Fuck, men don't even have to try and stay in shape. If their paychecks are big enough, he can be a fat, old slob and a young supermodel-looking bimbo will easily replace the "older" wife that bore his children, took all the shit he fed her over the years, and helped him get to the place where he had enough money to buy that trophy wife, all because Wife number one got "old." And the thing is, when a man does that, people shake their heads at the injustice of it all, but nobody really thinks twice about it. But Goddess forbid if a woman decides to do the same thing. She'd be front page news on CNN.com.

The one good thing that can be said about turning 35 is that I feel a lot more comfortable in my skin than I ever did before. I know I need to loose more weight, but I finally don't feel out of place in a group of skinny, beautiful women at a club. I know I'm not as young as I used to be, but I now have the benefit of the experience that comes with living this long. It's not as much as my mother or grandmother has, but it's a hell of a lot more than what a high schooler has. For the first time in my life, I didn't feel like I had to compete with every other female out there. I realized that regardless of how I look, and how you think I should look, I am who I am, and I'm a damn smart kick ass person. And I'm no longer afraid to admit that to myself or anyone else within earshot.

So what did I learn after all these years? What kinds of wisdom can I pass on to the ladies about to round that corner from their 20's to their 30's?

• Don't worry about being as skinny and beautiful as those women in the media. Sexy is all in the attitude. Nothing more, and nothing less.

• Act how you feel, not how you think you should act at a certain age. If suddenly turning into Betty Crocker at 32 isn't for you, don't hang up your dancing shoes. In fact, go out and buy another pair in red and wear them with pride.

• Forget about what your sister-in-law or best friend is doing in their life right now. You're not them, and you weren't given the EXACT same set of opportunities that they were given. If they own a house, have a fabulous career, the required 2.3 children, text book perfect husband and multiple degrees, but you still pay rent, work an hourly job and don't have any immediate candidates for marriage, stop beating yourself up. There's nothing that says we should all be on the same page at the same time.

• Don't forget that no matter how fabulous someone else's life looks on the outside, they have their own sets of troubles behind closed doors. So before you go thinking you should mirror your life after theirs, remember that their problems can become your problems too.

• Remember to take time every so often to do something that makes you feel fabulous. Whether it's getting your hair or nails done, going shopping, having coffee with a girlfriend or taking a long drive with the top down on a warm afternoon, at least once a month you should do something just for you. You'll be amazed at what that can do for your outlook on life.

So, my little snatchlings, those are my thoughts as I begin to turn the corner on another decade of my life. People that know me will probably wonder why I'm feeling like this no matter what age I'm turning. People always tell me how young I look, and how surprised they are to find out not only 35, but that I have a 15 year old daughter. I don't see why it's such a big deal, but I'm not going to complain. I even got carded the other day. That just about made my month. But the fact of the matter is that I am a lot older than most of my close friends, and there are many times I feel it keenly. But, I do believe the fountain of youth lies in our attitudes, not some bottle, syringe or surgical procedure. You all want to know how it is that I can look so young? It's because I still FEEL young. Trust me, the more you enjoy your life and have fun with it, the better you'll feel. That's the best anti-aging formula around.

Marie believes that you're only as young as you feel, so she recommends only feeling young people. You can send her birthday wishes to poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.