WTF

I've come to the realization recently that there are a lot of really useless and stupid things out there that serve no purpose at all or just plain don't make sense, kinda like Michael Jackson's nose. Many are things that have been around for quite some time, and I am just now questioning their usefulness in my daily life. Other things have been creeping in quietly under the radar just recently, but my eagle eye and steel trap mind don't miss much, at least not when I've had a sufficient amount of caffeine coursing through my veins and a marginal amount of sleep.

So, without further ado, here is the run down of, to quote a literary giant, "things that make you go hmmmmmmmm."

I want to know why no matter what I buy here in the United States the alternate languages on the packaging still include French. I understand why Spanish is printed on everything. They are quickly becoming our largest minority. (Hmmm, that sounds odd too. "Largest minority." Ha.) So, Spanish totally makes sense to me. But are there that many French people in the US that can't read how to apply their shampoo and conditioner correctly? I can almost understand French being a language included on cosmetics and beauty products. France has a huge fashion industry, so I guess having the instructions written on my shampoo bottle in French will make me feel more sophisticated and worldly when I shell out $25.00 for a bottle of hair soap I can get at the local drug store for $2.00. But on the side of dishwasher fluid? Please.

Why in the name of all that's holy are there "express cook" buttons on my microwave? Isn't cooking with a microwave express cooking as it is? Do I really need speed dial buttons for one, five and ten minute increments? Has our lives gotten so hectic that we don't have to time to push two more buttons to come to the same result? And, that fucking "popcorn" button doesn't work worth a shit. Why do they still keep putting it on there? I've never seen anyone use it that didn't get disastrous results. Is it to justify the growing expense of these machines? And they should take off the "fish" and "defrost" buttons. Put the frozen meat in your sink overnight, and cook your damn fish in the oven like a real person. Who the hell microwaves fish as a primary cooking method? Plus, with all the mercury they keep finding in tuna, I'm surprised that more microwaves haven't blown up from all the heavy metals in our seafood.

For those of you who are like me and are slavishly addicted to MySpace, answer this question for me: Why the fuck are there privacy settings on MySpace? If you are going to have a profile page about yourself on the largest "social networking website" in the world, you obviously don't give a flying fuck at a rolling donut about your privacy. You're willing to post semi-nude shots of yourself taken in the reflection of a bathroom mirror and put a caption below it of "arnt I hawt?" but you really feel uncomfortable with people knowing that you're online right this instant or when was the last time you logged on? Give me a fucking break. Get a life. If you're worried about Internet stalkers, take down your fucking profile. There's a privacy setting that's guaranteed to be foolproof.

I am having a hard time understanding the continued need for "explicit lyrics" tags on CDs. I remember clearly when the PMRC (may they rot in hell) decided to become America's parents and "warn" families of the music their children were listening to. Any good parent would have already known what their kids were listening to and would be able to make a clear judgment on whether or not 10 year old Susie-Q gets to buy that NWA record. Here's a hint for clueless parents out there: if you're a right wing conservative Christian trying to shield your children from the horrors of the world you are forced to live in until God comes back to rapture your ass, here are a list of things that you should look for on a CD cover that will be a CLEAR sign that this CD is NOT for your child: band names that have obvious references to Satan and hell; images of Satan, hell, blood and massacre; scantily clad women in barely-there bikinis; band members in makeup and spandex (and are men) and anything put out by a rap artist. Chances are if it's in the rap or heavy metal category, you don't want that in your house. So stop with the ridiculous "warnings" already. It fucks up good cover art.

What the fuck is the purpose of text messaging? Got something to say to someone? Just dial their fucking phone number and talk to them. It takes less time, and the conversation won't be peppered with "LOL!!!!" all over the place because you'll actually HEAR the person laughing out loud. But, if you MUST text message, please learn how to fucking spell and stop with the ridiculous abbreviations. "UR" is not acceptable as either "you are" or "you're." I also hate "anything" and "are you" spelled "NEthing" and "RU." Oh, and another thing, please know the difference between "you're" and "your;" "their," "there" and "they're," and when something is ACTUALLY funny enough to laugh out loud at. Most likely what you're writing "LOL" to is the lamest thing someone could say to you, but you're still "LOLing" anyway. Fucking moron.

So, as you can see, just going through daily life is a challenge for me. So many things out there annoy the shit out of me, and I either can't take enough medication to make the thoughts go away or I can't escape the stupidity because it has now creeped into every single aspect of my life. I would shoot myself in the head, except that a gun I was looking at in Wal-mart actually had a warning label on it about how pointing a loaded weapon at yourself or another individual and pulling the trigger could result in severe injury or death. Damn. At least if they didn't tell me the obvious, my family could sue the gun industry for not telling people that guns could kill you and be rich as, well, the gun industry CEOs.

Oh, don't get me started on warning labels. There isn't enough bandwidth for THAT rant.

Marie loves to receive mail from her faithful readers, all three of them. If you're feeling like you want to drop her a line, please do so. Just make sure you can spell and use proper rules of grammar, punctuation and syntax. Otherwise, she'll spam your MySpace page with annoying comments with automatic sound. She can be bothered at poisongirl@hobotrashcan.com.